This has been a long road. In 2013, I watched porn probably 4 times total, not lasting longer than 1 hr in sum. I've gone through peaks and valleys, and I came really close to getting passed it. Today, I binged. I don't really know, but as I went through it, I kept thinking "this just...sucks" - like, I don't feel terribly guilt about it. I've accepted it. I'm already working to move past it. I know already that the next few weeks will be hard and difficult. Every time I've relapsed, it is at least 3 weeks of self-loathing, depression, anxiety, loss of motivation, etc. I've done it. I know what this is going to feel like. How did I get here?
Well, I'm sure there are plenty of reasons. But the fact is I just told myself, "you know what? fuck it. who cares". Why? I don't know. I think I'm going to deeply regret this once I go into withdrawal. I've been able to abstain for long periods of time in 2013, but I just don't know. I need to keep in touch with someone to stay accountable. This personal, private battle is just too hard by yourself. I went to a sexaholics anonymous group even - that group is wrong for me on so many levels. No offense. But the philosophical approach just irked me. However, I just need to report in to real people. So, here I am again. I haven't given up. I know what I'm about to encounter is going to suck. SO BAD. But here's my day 0. That's all I have.