Girlfriend and I had sex the other night. I didn't intend to O at all, but I'm WAY more sensitive than I used to be down there, so it made a big difference. The sex was good, but I still feel like there's something missing. One week ago, I couldn't stop running my hands all over her, but the other day, I wasn't that turned on by her. Still on the up and down. Anyway, I'm starting back on the no MO/O track. I had some serious depression over the last two weeks, but it seems like I'm finally coming out of it. Here's to day 0.
Pretty depressed this past week. I woke up with the urge to MO, and had temptations to fantasize later in the day. I've been pretty depressed over the last two days. It was like 7/10 yesterday, and 6/10 today. I'll see how things go later this week. I told the GF that climaxing for me is a no-go.
So, I need to correct some behavior in regards to masturbation. Although I have completely eliminated porn from my life, I think that M/O is still having a negative impact. See, I've never completely eliminated it from the reboot, sometimes MOing once a week or less. Sex feels great, but I need to get this part settled. I will be working on this for the next month, after which, I hope to have one less habit. Honestly, many of the times I did MO were simply out of habit, or came from some rationalization that it was ok. Anyway, Today marks Day 2. Sex is the hard part.
Still going along, but I think that lately I've been depressed. I think being depressed has happened during the years I was also addicted, so it's hard to tell if I do have a problem with depression. It seems like many of the depression symptoms are also PMO symptoms. I want to make a good strong effort to do something to figure this all out.
So, I don't know if this is the time or place, but I consistently (maybe like once every few weeks) have vivid dreams of my girlfriend leaving me. It's happened throughout our relationship. Different characters, different places. Once she got married to a fat man, another time she cheated on me, she went back to her ex, a different time we were at a club and a couple seduced her, and she went home with them. I think I have issues. Who knows with this goddamn fuckin struggle we're all in.
Had sex last weekend. Felt pretty good, but got a major chaser over the next few days. Like crazy hard. Sex felt really nice. I felt pretty close with my girl. I still know that my libido isn't quite there yet. It's off and on, but sometimes, it's just blah. I'm thinking my process is just going to take longer than most. Moods are stabilizing, but not quite fully stabilized.
Things are stabilizing, I think. My libido blows still. I enjoy the GF's company. I feel ambitious. At times, I'm super motivated. Generally, I'm more positive. Still not quite there yet.
Edit: huh, I think I was low on dopamine or something. I think I accidentally just got "spiked" from a youtube video, which I turned off. But I still could tell it was there.
Crawled here. I'll keep it brief. I've made it to day 90 three times. And here is the breakdown
1st "90" - one and a half years ago. Problems:
- watched a lot of nudes/porn, but didn't MO
-most harsh withdrawals
2nd "90" - 6 months ago or so. Problems:
- "cheated" by watching clips and pics from time to time
- M'd too consistently
3rd "90" - current.
- most consistent
- least amount of sex/mo
- no porn
- no pmo
- saw pics here and there, but eventually eliminated it
By almost, I mean reaching a point of no return. It's not the 90 day mark. I feel like I'm at a point where I don't crave porn, I don't crave M, and I'm starting to appreciate more things. I feel very capable, hopeful, and optimistic. Ive been here before, and for some reason, I've always botched it. It's like I climb and almost get to the top, and then come crashing down. So, I want to avoid that. Stability! That's the word I'm looking for! I have seen these positive changes, and now I want them to be stable. I want to keep them. I want to keep my brain, and I want to keep me.
Had sex this past weekend. No real chaser, but I definitely am craving today. I had some moodswings yesterday (post O drivel), and now I'm balancing out. Interesting, I didn't expect to have cravings at this stage in the game.