Day 6 was an emotional rollercoaster. I went out with friends the night before - and again, I have bone-crushingly low-self esteem. It sucks. So I went out to the bar, and a girl I've been seeing was part of the group. Although we chatted and had a good time, I just couldn't help but question why she was seeing me at all. Later that night, I felt bad and gave the M+O a shot. Nothing great - I couldn't even get hard for it. I did O, but no chaser, no porn, nada. But feeling really bad about myself has in the past led to the same thing.
Day 5 feels like Day 4. I can feel my brain craving something though - it's the O. I don't feel like M'ing or watching P - but I can feel an urge to O. In most cases in the past, I think this is what it's been about. Once I get off porn for a few days, the cravings are minimal. But the O is different. I often finding myself inadvertantly trying to get it. For example, I might spend hrs on the computer, just clicking links - not looking for porn. It's an urge to just be on the computer.
There's something important I should note.
Oh Flatlining without knowing it:
There were several times I had flatlined without knowing it. This led me to suspect that I was gay. I am not.
Today was - good in the sense that I know the withdrawals are starting up. I woke up early today, but I felt unmotivated all day - lethargic and lazy. It feels like my surroundings don't register with my brain. I can't recall names very well. I tried to go for a run, but I felt tired. I feel lazy. In regards to this girl I've seen a couple times - I've been questioning why she would ever want me/or whether she has changed her mind about me (even though she has done nothing to indicate that). I don't feel like watching porn - but then again, I don't feel like doing anything.
Well, today was great. I woke up early and hung out with my brother. I wanted to get out and do more stuff. Staying at home doesn't accomplish anything. I keep thinking about the girl from the other night, but the odd thing is that I couldn't get turned on by her. This has happened before with women. Usually after laying off the porn, I can get turned on in real life. Sad, I know. But this is the situation I'm in, and I'm doing something to get out of it. Today has been busy for me.
Today I woke up feeling weird. I had some morning wood, but it felt different. I've felt this before following a lot of porn use. Under normal circumstances, I might have just watched some porn. But now, I'm not.
I feel good today. My mood is good and I feel focused. I still have some financial axieties that have been worrying me. In order to help with this, I'm going for a workout this afternoon. This morning, I slept in - actually, I woke up feeling axious about my finances. When I have abstained in the past, I found I had less anxiety and I could cope better.
Okay, where do I begin? I first came across yourbrainonporn.com last July. Reading through many of the posts, I realized that many of the things I feared personally seem to be related to the problem of excessive porn use. I often felt I had problems with women, and felt I was unable to connect with them. In college, I had a difficult time going on dates. I began to feel inadequate - as if I has missed out on some important developmental step that all the other guys had been on. This led to low-self esteem, anxiety, depression, and questioning my sexuality.