getmeout's blog

day 33 - some advice on how to talk about abstinence with my SO?

Submitted by getmeout on

had sex last wknd...a few times. No chaser. Back to flatline, and ROCD. I'm realizing that I'm better able to control my moods. I know I don't feel great today, but I'm able to just keep going through life until it gets better. My libido during the weekend sex was pretty low. And post coitus, I just didn't feel anything. Yes, I know, this has happened many times before. The only answer I have is to lay off all sex with the SO. She loves having sex, but I don't feel quite ready to tell her WHY we can't have sex for a time. But really, for me, I think it's the only answer.

Day 26

Submitted by getmeout on

Feeling better. Still happy. Very interested in my GF. I can't wait to see her! The ROCD seems to be going away. I really do want to see her. I feel more connected to her. Just a week ago, I did not miss her at all, and I was even bored of talking to her. But I stuck it out, and realize that I do have sincere feelings for her. Good stuff!

Keep pushing on!

Day 25

Submitted by getmeout on

Feeling....happy? Starting to. I have lots to be stressed about. But I honestly feel happy. At least right now; I hope that it continues. I really do. I have noticed a sharp increase in my ability to focus on things. It feels good. It feels like things are coming together. I'm pretty happy with my GF - and I really wish I could see more of her. And we talked about Karezza! She really wants to do it, but we see each other so infrequently. This also marks the first day with few to no ROCD symptoms...feels good man.

Day 24

Submitted by getmeout on

So Hi. Not much to say. Just checking in. I will say this. Every successful reboot I've had (or streak), was a direct result of posting here. Something about the accountability just helps so much. Thank you guys so much for your support - and especially Marina. Sometimes, just a few empathetic words can do so much. They truly do mean a lot, even when I can't seem to think straight. Thanks for your support everyone. Let's keep on trucking.

Day 23

Submitted by getmeout on

O'd today. My GF was sending naughty texts. I've struggled with this ROCD thing, and I'm finding a way to understand it. I often analyze our relationship, and often I feel an emptiness after said over analysis. I'm sure you guys have read. But today, after talking with a friend on how I might be leaving to grad school next year, I sincerely feel sad at the thought of not being with her. Side by side, interpreting the world as we encounter it. My recovering brain has often criticized her without reason, but now, I really appreciate her being here with me.

21

Submitted by getmeout on

Flatlined. Still up and down with my SO. I couldn't stop thinking about so many negative aspects of the situation, and "what ifs". I drove to see her today, and when I saw her, I felt at ease. when I hugged her, it felt amazing. but now, i'm back to feeling more or less nothing. gotta change up some of my routines. i'm going out of the city tonight with a friend.

Day 19 - MOAR ROCD

Submitted by getmeout on

This is tiring. This afternoon, I loved her. I opened up to her last night, and feel quite bonded with her. I met with her tonight, and felt close to her. Then I started to freak out. Then I started to notice her physical flaws. Up and down, up and down. I don't like this very much.

Day 18 - ROCD

Submitted by getmeout on

had sex with my gf a few times this wknd. One O. Sucks really. We were going through a tough time on Saturday, and both upset. We agreed to meet up. When I saw her, all I could do was smirk, and hug her. And we held eachother for a long while after. I sincerely did miss her. That night, I found myself being more protective of her, and more caring? Anyway, we were talking and I was excited to go out with her. Well, we ended up having sex. I wasn't very turned on by it, but she was. She says that she absolutely loves having sex with me, and that before me, she was never very into it.

Day 15

Submitted by getmeout on

Flatlined, still tempted with P - I'm craving dopamine. BUT, today, I saw my gf on Facetime, and was taken back by how beautiful she looked. I feel great to have her as a GF. She's amazing.

A true sign of progress.

Let's keep it up!

Day 14

Submitted by getmeout on

Focus still cloudy. I'm constantly fighting a mental battle to face my fears, and to not shy away from a challenge. It's so hard. I'm dealing with fighting personal character flaws (giving up too soon/shying away from difficulties). I suffer from the "smart kid" syndome. I was told I was smart growing up. This has had negative effects. When I fail at something, I feel super worthless and I avoid the task thereafter by all means. I tend to create mountains out of molehills - and in the end, I'm not very productive. I probably need to start talking to someone.

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