So the good and bad. I am actually looking forward to seeing my gf. Over the last two weeks, my pleasure while with her just wasn't there. We did have some crazy sex two or three weeks ago, but I just wasn't even into that. Sad, really. But I was happy to talk with her last night.
weird how there's waves of this stuff. I woke up today feeling sad and depressed. I felt this way the other day. I have to act like a robot to get myself to do stuff. I did this yesterday. I feel like I can focus more. I was in bed longer than I should have been. Just wanting to sleep and forget about the world. But I had to stop feeling sorry for myself. It's quite horrible.
gnawing. in the back of my brain. definitely feel some cravings. like i miss porn like an old lover. i've never noticed this gnawing before. i always thought i just had attentional problems. but in truth, i can barely get myself to concentrate when i'm like this.
Numb to pleasure, and depressed today. I talked to my gf on the phone, but I felt like I had to force the conversation - like, I wasn't genuinely there, so I just talked and the conversation didn't go anywhere. Meh. I found myself isolated today, but then I got out of it and drove around for a bit. I'm noticing that I can focus a bit better than the past week. My libido is dead right now. I feel stuck in a rut, but I know that I'm just going through this right now. It's a process, and Day 10 sucks. I've found myself with my hand in my pants for no reason, probably a habit.
concentration really sucks. i can't get myself to think or persist. I hate it. I need to get a lot of things done, but I can't seem to do it no matter what I try. I feel like it's impossible to sit down for any period of time.
I also feel really disconnected from my gf. like very distant. it's annoying. I try to keep busy, but i just don't have a lot of will power right now. damn.
First day of feeling somewhat normal. I still feel a bit odd/off with my GF. But I was able to concentrate today, and I didn't really feel a need to be on the computer. God, it feels good. I woke up with an erection too. I had some fantasies, but I had to turn them off. We'll see how this goes. This came just in time. I have studying to do, and finally the will/motivation to do it.
I just watched Gary's TedX talk, and I noticed that in one of the slides mentioned a rebooter who said he thought his reboot led to being fired from two jobs. This totally hit home, and I would like to clarify what I mean:
At my last job, I was given many warnings about not paying attention to detail. I would be forgetful about a lot of things, and generally just feel miserable. I began to think that I was just that way - lazy, not detailed, unmotivated.
hard to get motivated to do anything. i get up to try and do something, but I end up just back at a computer, mindlessly clicking links, and not even processing the information. I really have 0 motivation to do anything. My girlfriend seems annoying, and I know i've been withdrawn. I have no desire for sex. Normally (when I was more clean), I would send naughty texts, give more compliments, etc. But now, I barely have the desire to call her. I don't want to talk to anyone. Or be around anyone.
Sadness, no motivation to do anything. BLAH>
I feel a lot better today than the previous week. I've gotten almost no work done during that time. I've realized that I have a tendency to overwhelm myself with a lot of things. I start out being super ambitious and motivated, and then I overwhelm myself. I also end up being really hard on myself for not succeeding. Failing hurts my ego, and my own fear of different things has prevented me from doing stuff.
I've left my laptop at my parent's place for the last 3 days. I'm pretty sure I would have relapsed if I hadn't. Social interaction is bland, and I really sucked yesterday - to the point where my friends asked me if I was o.k. I just couldn't really join/participate in what was happening. I went through the motions anyway.