I haven't MO'D in a over a week. I want to keep this up until 30 days before I sleep with my SO again. On another note, I have to admit that I did see some "tame" pornographic images today :( It lasted approximately 5 min. No MO, nothing. In fact, I didn't even "look" at images, I just noticed that I started to get the rush with clicking on links. The demon is still there, though weaker. I left that situation right away. But fuck that, I left quick, and I keep my laptop locked in my car for extra safe-keeping.
So, I've been having O withdrawals all week. I O'd last sunday, and paid the price. I'm a long rebooter. Anyway, I started to get the same symptoms of low self esteem, self-doubt, distance from my SO, lack of interest with my SO, reevaluating our relationship, being judgmental and aggrevated,etc.
But today, on the way home, we just cuddled and held eachother for like 30mins. It was fantastic. It truly felt like therapy. Weird, right? I just held her and she held me - and it felt great. I will be doing more of this immediately!
Well, for the past few weeks I've O'd an average of once a week. The past few times, I O'd twice to fantasies of my partner. This past week? Bad shit. I had withdrawals for the next few days following the O (I O'd twice in a day). I've noticed taht I had seen a few erotic images (no porn) last week, but it was minimal - 5 min or so. I found myself wanting to go back, but I just chuckled and said "FUCK NO". But now, I find my sexual experience with my partner greatly varies. Sometimes it's awesome, and other times, it' just sucks.
Things are going much better. More horny, lovin my SO, feel a bit better with my moods. But I still have some mood swings. I don't have morning wood very much, and my erections are at about 60%. Some days I feel super horny, and others, less so. I haven't O'd since last Sunday. I'm going to try to talk to the SO out of sex over the next few weeks. It works out because I don't see us having sex until next weekend.
So guys, I've been thinking about my new GF all day. We've been dating all through this reboot, and it hasn't felt this good. Read my old posts - I was miserable, and barely able to feel things. She makes me laugh now, before she didn't. Last wknd, she came over and we just held eachother, and didn't have sex - which was nice. I just enjoyed her. In fact, I was worried that when she came over, I wouldn't have anything to do or talk about. Instead, she just sat on my lap and we chatted and cuddled. The best feeling ever.
My libido is still fluctuating. Last Saturday, I was really into it, last night, I was not. Like barely. I felt nothing, like almost bored. Is this still a flatline? Even when I put it in, it just barely felt o.k. - I enjoyed her company afterwards. I felt annoyed though - I didn't really have much to say at dinner. I feel like I've run out of things to say since we're always in contact. Maybe I need some space with her? I think so. I need time away to do what I need to do, and it doesn't seem as interesting to know all the details in a person's life every day.
- first time sex has felt awesome
- doing kegels - might help
- not really jerking anymore, but erections are weakish/flatlinish
- personal fantasies have turned vanilla. When I do get off alone
- feel more relaxed and less stressed. I enjoy living in the moment.
To work on:
practice self-compassion, just self-ciritcism
appreciate the people around me
I'm still flatlined. Granted, I feel much better than before. I feel more content. But I think MOing throughout the reboot (avg. 2/wk) has made it slower. I have not even thought about porn in forever. I feel more attracted to girls, and my SO. But I honestly don't feel fantastic yet. It goes in and out. So maybe I'm just having a bad day. Now, I only O if I have sex - which has been once a week for the past three weeks. Still struggling - I'm not out of the rabbit's hole. I think I might need to talk about not Oing with my SO. I just hate the feeling afterwards.
SO attraction has increased dramatically today! I can't wait to see her, and I miss her. :( I feel ridiculous about this. But it's true. I can't believe how dramatically different I feel towards her in a day. My brain can't be 100% balanced yet. So onward. I have to cut the Os out completely. They slow me down way too much.
But here's to progress!
Had sex the other day. It was good. I still don't feel like my libido was 100% there though. I did manage to rock my girl's world though. After the last two times I had sex, I noticed feeling totally relaxed and happy for the rest of the day - like in a bliss. I usually go for one session (one orgasm for me) ... but lately I've had much more energy: two nights ago - hiked 5 mi, got home at 4 am, woke up 4 hrs later and had sex for two hrs....then played basketball later than evening....and it was the best game I've ever played.