So, stil not out of the rabbit hole. I had sex last friday and saturday. It felt good. I was relaxed the next day. It felt wonderful. I jerked it once, but it was pretty hard to pull off. I think I'm actually still in a flatline. My mood has improved and balanced out. I don't feel super anxious. BUT, the next day after having sex with my SO, I felt miserable and unworthy for the better part of the morning. Super insecure and feeling worthless. She was alseep while this hapened. I felt like I wanted her to be away. I just wanted to be alone, far away from everyone.
Flatlined. Though I abstained from porn during my reboot, I didn't abstain enough from MO to feel positive effects. Once I realized this, I've been strict about it. The interest in my SO wanes in and out, but I still enjoy her company. I did view porn earlier in my reboot, and on one particular night, it was excessive. So my guess is that a lot of my progress was slowed. However, this was best way it worked. I turned off the porn first, and then the MO. Otherwise, I relapse. So right now, I'm starting to enjoy everything. Throughout this reboot I've been super depressed and axious.
so i think allowing weekly masturbation during this process has dramatically slowed my progress. I can say, however, that although I've jerked it plenty, I can't remember the last time it felt good. Most of the time, it feels unremarkable. So, I've cut off the jerking it completely, and apparently fell into a flat line. Normally, when I'm around this girl I've been hanging out with, I get a boner just by hugging her. We had sex a few nights ago and I just couldn't get into it. Weird, huh? It felt like a chore, and I was bored the whole time.
I felt bored and just now looked at a porn page (top 50), and was grossed out. Nasty, just nasty. Of course, I just had sex a few nights ago, and it's a million times better. Jesus, porn is retarded (once you get off it). This process has taught me few things about myself
so guys, i haven't jerked it to porn in a long time. i don't have cravings. this past wknd, i looked at a few clips for no more than 5 min, and then i realized what i was doing and went outside, and put my laptop in my car. I have had to do this more than a few times.
i still masturbate about 1 or 2 every 7 days. And each time, I kid you not - this is what happens:
1) intense anxiety / irritability
2) restlessness and no sleep
3) "racing thoughts"
4) it's affecting my relationship
5) lasts for 3 or 4 days
Wow, I feel good. I haven't felt this way in years. It's nice! I just feel so alive. Energetic, confident, creative. I feel like I was unplugged from the Matrix or something. It feels awesome. I strongly encourage you guys to find people you can trust to help you with your issues. My reboot has brought several issues to my attention, and it's nearly impossible to deal with them unless you have people around you to help sort them out. In other words, guys, social support. In most cases, you have people in your life you care about you enough to help you get through things.
intense anxiety over the past few days following MO. Incredible insecurity, which I believe stems mostly from anxiety. It just stays with me and sits in my chest, even when I'm not thinking about anything. If I think about small things the girl I'm dating does, it blows up into this intense anxiety that she's going to end it soon. i get really bad thoughts, and my mind doesn't stop. It tends to go away after a few days. I'm starting to think about how I think I do have a problem with anxiety. It has affected making big decisions in my life.
i can't seem to shake the jerking it. but masturbation has changed. it is more focused on tactile sensations rather than fantasies. My self-esteem is not in check at all. I am trying to work on it, but it fluctuates so god damn much. I feel pleasure coming back though. I still suck at feeling insecure with the girl I'm seeing. I realize now that this is a pattern with me, and has been ever since I started with girls. I question/look for evidence that they don't like me. I just want to be ready. The thought that keeps coming up is "i'd rather be prepared than surprised".
so, i feel more motivated and pumped up. Not too crazy though. I'm just more interested in getting shit done. I've noticed that my interest in my SO has died over the past two days. Like, I'm not that interested in texting her/calling her, and I get impatient with our conversations. Last weekend, I was crazy about her though and I was about to ask her to be my GF. But now, just "blah". I remember liking her, but I just don't really feel anything. I feel like her wanting to go slow (among other things) was a way of rejecting me when I opened up. So now, I don't feel much. Should I end it?
I jerked it like two days ago. i felt horrible the rest of the day. The colors seemed to go back to grey. I was super happy over the weekend, or maybe just content. But much of that is gone now. I'm seriously just going to stop with the jerks - 1) i get no pleasure from it 2) it still fucks me over for the next few days. For example, today I feel really sad, a bit depressed, and lonely. Blah. Last night, I drove to a park and cried for a bit. I really don't know what's going on with me. I feel on the verge of tears. I feel like an emotional little girl. Weird, right?