Greetings from a brand new member.

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Submitted by Ghost_meg79 on
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Hello everyone,
I am excited to become a new member to this site and share my experiences. I was led to the reuniting site through the partner site, your brain on porn. My new partner and I met about three months ago and were instantly and electrically attracted to one another. After around a month or so he openly admitted he had a porn addiction. I had suspected because I have, in the past, worked in the sex industry as a dancer and sex toy retailer and noticed signs of delayed ejaculation and fantasizing during intercourse. I quit the sex industry because of guilt feelings, sexual dysfunction, and depression. I began to research ways to bond with my new partner and landed right where I should be: here.
The articles and information on this website and Your brain on porn have helped me to be a loving and supportive partner through our courtship. It has improved our bonding and slowed our lovemaking from a frantic exercise in taking all you can get into a sharing, loving, stillness that is healing for us both. We still have many obstacles to get through to performing karezza. But it is a slow journey. My best to all. I'm going to try to post weekly on my progress.

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Welcome Ghost

It's good to have your perspective.

Gary and I just watched this video, and I bet you and your lover would like it. The guy addresses porn use, but weaves in careful sexual management by the end.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rxl3XRmvrPk

I really think your generation is going to learn the powerful lessons sex has to teach us - precisely because you guys are exhausting the possibilities of, and crashing into the limitations of, the standard sex advice. At the end of the day, it's the knowledge and experience gained that count!

Marina, thank you very much

Marina, thank you very much for the warm welcome and video. It feels great to be led in a healthy direction. Thank you also Mcbarera for welcoming me. I'm consistently amazed by the apparent impact high speed porn is having, I never truly realized how much of a problem it has become in recent decades. I have never gravitated to porn use myself, but working within the sex industry in the past really desensitized me to the true nature of the industry. I worked as a dancer in clubs and sold porn/sex aids for years and never paid a second thought to the effect on men and women until the massive amounts of guilt pushed me to leave that industry in the dust. Thinking back, I realize that instinctually I knew I was a cog in a wheel that was hurtful to myself and others. I wonder sometimes how many other women suffer from this guilt after leaving the sex industry, and I only was a dancer and retailer....it hurts my heart for those women who are choosing/ being forced to make these films and
What impact this will have for them. Hopefully my man will benefit from viewing that video, Marina, I am very glad you shared it with me.

I just sent my BF the video

I just sent my BF the video to watch. I am sure it will open up some big discussions.

We are not living together yet, but we both feel a strong pull in that direction and have discussed it. Can karezza be practiced without living together?
What are the problems/pitfalls/mistakes we should expect for the next few months as we try to rebalance and prepare for non orgasmic karezza practice? We already have fewer orgasms with intercourse ( with some mistake ejaculation usually from me getting too fired up).
I have noticed sometimes he just wants it the "regular way". Could that be a comfort thing?

Thx.
Ghost.

It's tough

to do when you're not living together. Sounds like you're making some good steps in the meanwhile. It's great that he's open to exploring.

Have you checked out "Karezza Korner" in the lefthand margin? It has lots of FAQs.

Re: "He wants it the regular way. Is that a comfort thing?"

I found that my boyfriend has found more relaxation- slowly, but surely (as always with karezza !)- with gentle penile and scrotum touching, squeezing, and gentle, gentle oral by my own curious exploration. He has told me that he enjoys the consistent, firm pressure of me gently squeezing his penis in my hand, and it helps relieve the pressure of his erect penis normally released by orgasm.

My boyfriend also mentioned that he thinks the reason men want "hard sex" is because the friction creates a sensation of that consistent pressure which they desire-... and eventually could find in a PIV situation in which the woman is fully relaxed and then "calling" to the penis with her own, involuntary but desired vaginal enveloping of the penis... Perhaps men simply want the awareness of the vagina around their penis in a consistent gentle way yet have only been taught to force that awareness with faster, friction-based sex.

So, in relation to your question, his desire for regular sex could be him searching for a genuine feeling, and yes, that feeling of comfort. I think that honestly, this is what both sexes want- consistent acknowledgment of their desires- caring without indulging. His desire of regular sex could perhaps be found in other ways if you two are committed to work together and experiment, which it sounds like you are. Good luck :)

I think you're right

Sexual touch of genitals is indeed very nourishing and soothing for men. Various men have said that to me (which is why I put it in our book). The feeling of being "received and held" gives a sense of comfort. Women don't think to do it often enough, in part because unless the man is open to exploring a karezza approach, he assumes she wants action. Wink

An update.

An update.
Since we are not living together and both have children, we have yet to find a regular schedule for karezza sessions. We spend one weeknight together at my house and weekends alternate between households. Mornings spent together are always gentle and not goal oriented, some gentle touch and sometimes PIV, playful or quiet. This last weekend was full of energy and we lost control one afternoon, which left him totally wiped out and me feeling guilt. It has left the whole week with after effects. We took a few steps back, so I've been thinking I will try what gentlevegan suggested and be very careful with my energy and touch tonight. It is so so difficult to conquer that "lizard brain" and primitive reflex to procreate. Still working on it though. I always feel better not orgasaming, but I almost always do accidentally, maybe I am super sensitive? Even with gentle PIV I feel these energy surges and it is hard not to let them become orgasmic. When those happen it is hard for my partner to hold back. Any suggestions on ways to control my energy flow?

it just takes practice

of course it is difficult and sometimes very difficult at first. Super sensitive? Sure.

Focus on relaxing your root, opening up your vagina and relaxing your pelvic floor. Bring your attention back there. It doesn't matter if you don't "feel" it, just focus on relaxing and opening up. Don't picture it, try to just feel it as best you can. That's the key to not coming, I think. Just keep putting your attention on that relaxation. It's remarkable.

I suppose a few others here especially the women have really good ideas but that's my best one.

And keep at it. It is SO worth it.

 

I think emerson's advice is good

I'd just add that it takes time for those "trigger happy" orgasmic brain pathways you (apparently) constructed to settle down.

Might be a parallel to guys who got so good at coming to internet porn FAST that they're still trigger-happy during real sex.

If you're slipping into any fantasies, try to redirect your mind to what you're feeling in your body instead, and take care not to tense up your muscles or hold your breath. And if you don't want to trigger your partner, then don't vocalize either. Yahoo

Once you both find your balance at higher levels of arousal you will have more freedom.

Thank you for the supportive

Thank you for the supportive ideas. Gotta get my root chakra under control and focus on breath.

I am not fantasizing during lovemaking, I work very hard to be completely present because my partner has the tendency to disappear into fantasyland and this creates more disconnect. So our main goal right now is being present. He is trying to reboot and it is a lot for both of us.
Lots of new things to try this weekend. :)

your thoughts and beliefs

You may be creating more separation through your thoughts and beliefs about his not being present.

If you are into his business about his presence you aren't into your own.

It's a real "gotcha", LOL. It's no different than wondering about whether/when he'll come, or if he's having a good time...it gets you out of your own presence.

Subtle stuff!

 

Aha moment

Nail on the head Emerson! Thanks! Totally different perspective that I really was missing. Stay in my head and outta his. So important for us ladies to realize.

Just by changing my focus and breathing this weekend things changed dramatically.
My focus on holding and massage and I kept myself still instead of all over the place with energy -the activity followed it. Beautiful.
He said he really enjoys my massages. Just gentle loving touch, really, no goal just stillness and I focus my love through my hands.
Left the weekend feeling relaxed not wiped out and more loved and full of love.