Introduction and Looking Back

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I have been lurking here for several months. This site is like no other that I have seen. Now that I have a blog, I have to put my thoughts in order. Let's see how this goes.

A little about my background. I was widowed three years ago after being married 39 years. My bride and I were married while I was in college, and we had, and raised five children together. We were sexually compatible and happy with the life we were building. Pregnancy did not appreciably come in the way of her appetite for sex, and she said that actually being pregnant took away the uncertainty and concern over the possibility of pregnancy that existed for her between pregnancies. I am sure that it helped that we both welcomed the news when it came. In fact, there was a period when I saw other pregnant women as sexually attractive, because of how my wife treated me while she was in that condition!

Years passed, our family grew, and we aged. We survived a rough patch that could have easily ended in divorce. We continued to be more or less happy with our sexual life. She told me once in our later years that early on, she had more of an appetite for sex than I apparently had back then, but she realized her appetite was waning and mine was now somewhat more than hers. It seems that we both found it difficult to talk through difficult issues together, and sex was one area that we did not discuss a lot.

It goes without saying that orgasm driven sex was what was on the menu. What else would be? Wherever it was that I learned it, whenever we made love I would manually stimulate her clitoris to make sure that she was satisfied, usually after I had come inside of her. She would usually tell me when she was ready for me to enter her. What we had was what we knew, and it worked for us.

Life continued, and in time brought with it occasional episodes of ED, which were taken good naturedly. Not to worry, they have a pill for that now. The blue pill got the job done, but it added the need for timing and planning. Also it could give me an unusual sensation of feeling flushed. Better living through chemistry? I suppose.

The last couple years of my beloved's life, she had a combination of health issues going on. The frequency of sex which had been tapering down dropped to even less. To put a number on it, looking back it seems that the last year of her life, it would be two or three months between episodes of making love. Neither of us were complaining, though, and I let her determine the frequency. She said at least once, "We should have sex more often.", and I sincerely agreed, but neither of us pro-actively took steps to make it happen. I looked forward to sex, but realized that it was becoming somewhat like work when we were through.

Back up for some personal information. Porn use and the PMO cycle were not a factor in my life. Growing up, porn came in magazines for the most part, and my family background kept me from getting very far into that. I figured out masturbation at the appropriate age, but jerking off to pictures never became a learned reflex. When the internet came along, I found the new availability of pictures that it brought, but it was more or less like eye candy. Sometimes I would look for some, and other times I would ignore it. I did not seek out the more outrageous stuff, and generally did not get into videos, just still pictures. Once I was having coffee with my pastor, and I must have brought up pornography. I was having a hard time finding words, and being a good counselor, he asked, "Is it too painful?" and I honestly answered, "Actually, no." I was a bit embarrassed about the appropriateness of looking at nudie pictures, being a father with two adolescent daughters at that time, but it was not an obsession or something that was having ripple effects. Looking back I can be thankful for that.

So what interests me with this site and the discussions that are in these forums? Well, duh, the subject is sex! But one thing that is fascinating is the detail that some here have given in describing their sex lives, but it is not like the writing is prurient at all, it is like fellow-travelers sharing traveling advice. A totally different context for a sensitive subject.

Now about my journey on this path, I am at peace for the most part with my years of marriage. Bumps along the road and all, it was a good ride. If I had not come across the descriptions of karezza sex that I have read, I would not be the wiser. But having read about it, I wonder how the later years of our married experience could have been. Without orgasm as the goal, ED would not have been an issue. No need for blue pills. No need for it to seem like work get through an episode of love-making. Maybe, maybe not, but it would have been nice to have been able try it out.



Thanks for chiming in and sharing your story

So sorry about the loss of your wife.

I share your appreciation of Reuniting forum members' candor and sharing. I am sure that anonymity on forums like this one contributes a lot to the environment here. Smile So does the fact that we're discussing a sexual tradition that has thrived in various "corners" of human experience over the millennia...but is completely out of fashion at present. This makes us an odd, but quietly enthusiastic, little band of fellow travelers.

Would you ever consider seeking a new partner? I know that if I died before my husband I would hope he would find another partner because of its potential to increase his wellbeing. Perhaps your wife would wish you the same.

Congratulations on sidestepping the slippery slope of porn videos, which hasn't been easy for most men to do since the arrival of streaming porn online a decade ago.

Looking forward?

Would I consider seeking a new partner? Well, that depends on what day of the week, or even the time of day that you might ask. But, for the most part, it is something that I would welcome, and I do give it some thought. If and how and when that may develop remains to be seen. No hurry, no worry.

Somewhat strangely, it is not something that we discussed, since considering our respective family histories, she would freely state that I would most likely out-live her. The timing of her death was unexpected, due to a sudden system failure without opportunity to say good-byes, unlike some spouses that endure a lingering period of illness.

My OP title was meant to leave opportunity for discussing "looking forward", which I expect that I will do in due time. There is an excellent grief support organization in my area. It includes a healthy social network that provides as much, or as little socializing as one might want while processing being single after a losing a life partner.