I really don't want to have to write this entry. It seems as if there is no hope with this - like it is impossible. I try. I try. I try again. And my ancient, please-be-damned, limbic system wins. It's like it's telling me I won't survive if I don't act out - and, hell, it feels pretty close to this. I don't do porn anymore (though the other day I gave in for the first time in a pretty long while) and the porn is not the issue here.
I'm not sure exactly how long its been since any PMO (I know I am good for March) but I just wanted to let you guys know that I'm going through some pretty tough withdrawal symptoms (particularly lack of concentration, obsessive/intrusive thoughts, and fatigue). It's my Spring Break now and I'm home from school. I've been doing some daily meditation as well as daily running to take place of all that other stuff. Thanks for all the help and encouragement. Let me keep going strong. I ask that God direct me through this.
And with some actual fervency this time! My first posts some 2 months ago occurred during a time where in which I was able to fail and be okay with it - that is to say, I was at a point where I was not really treating my spiritual life seriously (there was so many doubts about why I exactly came to the Christian faith the first time). I just wasn't there yet. I won't go into much detail regarding that first experience but what I will say here is that it feels that I am growing into some very strong convictions about what I really believe, how I act, what comes out of my mouth.
Have failed miserably since my effort detailed in my first few posts. Im coming to realize that now (or perhaps ever) is not the time to think, write, blah this and blah that. Sure, I realize that knowledge can inspire action (or non-action, here), but I just want to make it my effort to get on here once a day and honestly say that I haven't PMO'd. It's time for doing, not wavering in thought which leads to doubt. Day 1.
Day 2 has ended and I feel as if my mind has gotten a little bit stronger in trying to fight the urge to spill. It's quite late now, and I'm exhausted but I just wanted to keep myself accountable by getting on here and telling the community that it's been another day without masturbation or porn or orgasm. I pray that I don't have some absurd morning wood tomorrow. That always makes it hard. Any explanation for why this happens exactly? And a good go-to technique to fight it? This is Day 3.
Day 1 has ended and I'd be lying if I had said that I have not wanted to give in. I have recognized that acting out once to external stimulation - which I did, sadly (haven't surfed the web in a while; dopamine was sky-high; hated it but loved it) - increases one's desire to binge on masturbation (thanks, Marnia). This knowledge does not make it any easier - especially when you're in social settings having very genuine conversations with attractive girls.
So, as it is on this site, it seems as if we've heard it all. It is the numerous posts on trying to "kick the habit," extensive scientific evidences on why "acting out" depletes the brain of neurotransmitters vital to our well-being and anguishes the mind with unwanted yet inevitable feelings of sluggish complacency, low self-esteem and gnawing despair. It is the potential remedies that have been lovingly published by those who are successful and the positive brain-states that have been achieved by those who implement these techniques, yet many keep on keepin' on: we can't seem to stop.