Day 14

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Submitted by Gucci on
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So! Today sucked.

I've found that certain habits - although they might seem insignificant - are of huge importance to my (our?) well-being. This morning when I woke up for example: I felt good (which is unusual for me having just woken up) but ended up falling right back into sleep. Bad move Mr.; the rest of the day has been coated in mind-fog.

I ended up fantasizing a little bit about an would-have-been ex-girlfriend of mine (who I totally just straight up rejected because my porn addiction made her uninteresting even after she had basically told me she wanted to be with me reeeaal long-term & yadayada after knowing me for two weeks).

I'm still unsure of how detrimental this type of fantasizing is (I don't really think about the sex, but more about the relationshippy-parts, cuddling etc) but I do feel it drains a lot of energy that could be spent on other things. Because like today it fel physically REAL - all the sensations and stuff was there (which is pretty in a way - this would NEVER happen while using porn).

I had a downer day overall, got a lot of social anxiety when I went to the gym, felt really insecure and so forth. Whenever I feel low I unconsciously try to find some way to get me on top again - mostly by trying to do the things I enjoy when I'm up high, like listening to the music I like and act the confident way I do. IT DOES NOT WORK! I think ultimately that kind of line of though leads to going back to the porn in order to find some sort of relief for the anxiety/depression. I've found that I don't want to accept feeling low, which I feel is a prime example of my addictive personality; this is something I most definitively want and need to work on.

I have some issues with my everyday schedule as well. Right now I go to school MW while the rest of the week is unscheduled. Since I've neglected a lot of my relationships and most of the people I still keep in touch with has moved or are out of town for some time I'm finding the days I'm not in school difficult. A lot of the time (the good days, that is) I'm craving social contact and when I can't get it it's just horrible. The school I'm in right now is pretty hard to build new relationships as well because of the incredibly limited amount of time I get to see the people (not to mention everyone pretty much bolts after class). I'm working on that by starting to go to grouptraining though. I'll have to see how that works out.

Comments

Yeah, kind of. Like I said it

Yeah, kind of. Like I said it was more of a personal experiment - I didn't know what to expect or that it was even anything like an addiction. I stuck to it between 2-3 weeks a couple of times, but when I didn't get the 'highs' (I'm guessing about the time when my flatline period was beginning) I had gotten in the early stages I fell off the wagon.
The experience in itself was amazing. The best way I can describe it is I got transformed back into my best self. I became so aware of everything around me (people, nature), became more positive and felt natural taking charge. In the summer I had way more friends around too so it was easier staying busy and social for sure (although I felt how I have grown apart from a lot of my friends, I need a new social circle) :)

Also I quit smoking weed and nicotine at the same time so I guess I shouldn't expect the same experience this time around.

I'm up for the challenge though! :D

*hugs back*