I feel fucked inside. I haven't viewed porn in one month and 10 days. 15 years of reversal in 6 weeks. Hah! dream on.
Things went swimmingly well, and I found out just how receptive an agency can be to individuals just such as myself. I can't begin to express all my enthusiasm. I believe a huge weight will be lifted off my shoulders, that has lingered for a vary long time, once I'm put through the hoops.
I've tried to take it easy this long weekend. I've been feeling a lot of sorrow. Dealing with some rather childish impulses, like thinking I can magically change my minor weight problem in days. I've been perusing other exercises then running, like push ups and sit ups. I can't seem to stick with anything. This Apathy pervades everything, and I feel twisted and unlovable inside. I have had some up moments, which I'm trying to focus more on. My Appointment with the employment agency is tomorrow. If all goes well, then I'll be one more step out of my pit.
I'm effacing this blog permanently.
Today has been a pretty good day for me. Just slightly irritated by my surroundings. thats all.
I almost had a relapse last night. I was looking through someones online picture portfolio , and it had art mixed in with POM, but I managed to refrain from letting it effect me too much.
I ran further last night than the last 3. It wasn't as painful as earlier this week; and it's turning into something I almost enjoy. Not bad for only four nights.
I'm officially on day three.
I almost relapsed the other night. I turned on the T.V. and saw a commercial with a really attractive bade on it, and wanted to to go jerk off to POM. I successfully suppressed the urge I'm thankful to say.
I've been going for late night runs over the last 3 days, and have tried to limit snacking to once a day. I'm feeling good overall, but am still having bouts of extreme despair.
I think I'm finished with T.V.
There is no sense to be had, and all in my emotional world makes no sense. It's like I drowned my better part. It's a hell That Keeps bubbling under myself, only this time I just can't keep burring it. It's given. 15 years of dissection. All I can think of is that one woman I should have been there for a decade ago, that I absolutely loved, who I will never meet in anyone else. No one will ever come close. The best I can hope for is to role the dice and wait for a simulacrum.
I just signed up yesterday.
Thought I'd lay my story down, so here goes...