Submitted by Hockeygod28 on
Printer-friendly version

I haven't been on this site in a while and thought it was a good time to do an update. I find myself in a flatline after reaching success a year ago. My success is defined in my mind as achieving an erection during intercourse. I don't know where to go next, as hard as I try to abstain from masturbation without porn I always relapse. Maybe this is because my incentive isn't enough of a motive anymore. I always pushed myself to abstain so I could one day achieve an erection with a woman. I did that. That being said, its not all roses in the bed. I'm still very nervous in bed, I feel completely comfortable until the clothes come off and that's when I shrink and my arms start to shake. The girl I have been seeing for the past two weeks is very good with my situation and calms me down. Once she does that I feel right at home again. Too bad she has commitment issues. She keeps blowing me off and telling me that she's still interested. As a person who has never been self-confident, I am using this as a chance to grow. So far it's been baby steps but since the summer I have realized that I need respect myself and not let people take advantage of me. I know that I need somewhat of a commitment right now emotionally, at least more than what I have been getting from this woman. Because of that, I am going to simply move on and tell her that I am looking for more of a commitment. It pains me to do this, but that's my point. My old self would chase and chase until I break down emotionally to fill that void of loneliness. And although I still suffer from loneliness all the time, it is not worth it to spend so much energy into a person when you are not receiving that in return, it can torment you. Loneliness is my darkest friend and has always been the reason I got into pornography in the first place. The only thing that keeps my mind occupied off masturbation and pornography is when I am writing and/or in my fiction and screenplay classes. It had been three weeks abstaining from anything sexual and after a days work of typing I came home. My roommates when to bed and I felt instantly bored, I checked craigslist for casual encounters (Women for Men) then body massage listings. I couldn't fall asleep and ended up rubbing my prostate and orgasming. Some people may not recognize this as a normal practice but in my pornography days I learned about it and here and there will do it. I enjoy it, but it just feeds my HOCD. Lately, that has been an issue as well. When I don't have a woman in my life my HOCD goes haywire which is another reason I hate ending things with a certain girl. But it's time for me to take a step forward and look for a brighter future. Yes I might struggle mentally but I truly believe it will be worth it to find a girl that compliments me and I do the same for her. It will probably be a hell of a long time, but it will be worth it. Ride the pain train until I roll into the golden station.

On another note, I need to invest more energy into not venturing into craigslist territory as it ALWAYS snowballs into something bigger. In my eyes, I am basically doing the same thing I did with porn. Scrolling through ads until I find the right one, especially if there is a picture attached.


I wouldn't break up yet

Give it a couple of weeks clear of climax before making such a major decision.

I'm not judging your masturbation practices, but if something feeds your HOCD, why are you doing it? If it's because the climax is more intense, could you settle for a less intense climax instead - one that may not feed your HOCD?

It's a funny thing, but when you "deprive" yourself of more intense pleasures, you begin to find lesser pleasures more pleasurable. Did you ever watch this TEDx talk? No human being should be allowed loose on this planet without watching it. Smile

The pleasure trap: Douglas Lisle at TEDxFremont - YouTube



That's my problem. It is because the climax is more intense. I know I shouldn't because it feeds my HOCD but it pulls me in like pornography. I am not doing a good enough job to steer clear from it. Whenever I feel an ounce of loneliness I am so much more prone to making these mistakes I regret the next day. I couldn't get out of bed until mid-afternoon today. That's how hollow I felt after last night.

The scale diagram in that ted talk made so much sense. I immediately drew it in my notebook and will hang it in my room. Use it as inspiration.