New Attempt...17 Days

Submitted by Hockeygod28 on
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This feels like a nightmare that wont go away. I was so far at 70 days, and ill get back up to it and pass it this time but im just suprised at how much I deflated after that MO. For the most part I was on cloud nine, really happy rarely any HOCD, now its living hell again. The voices in my head have been altering my perception for the first two weeks. Its still pretty bad but im doing slightly better at the moment. Ive had moments though where im talking to my close friends and im not even thinking properly, my heads firing thoughts that I should just announce im gay and tell them how attractive they are. It was ruining me in that moment. I havent thought about suicide for a really long time , but the thoughts of it slowly creep into my head again. Nothing major like I have had in the past but just giving you an idea of whats going on in my head. Im doing all the proper ways of handling it, going from the schwartz method, and switching things up, been doing pushups and math equations at the same time to alter my thoughts back on track so I can just think properly. It does work, just a repetitive process over a long period of time. I am also just craving a woman to snuggle beside at night sometimes, just to watch a movie or hangout. Trying on this one, cant seem to find anyone at the moment but there is no rush. It will come no point fretting over it. Started taking anti-depressants as well, so far I havent really noticed them after taking them for a week but I was told by the doctor it will take about a month to kick in. I am just so glad I have this website to release whats going on in my head. I cant tell my friends, Ive told them about the porn addiction and how im going on this reboot process but about the HOCD thoughts in my head, its not that I dont want too I just know they wouldnt understand and would jump to conclusions. So for that I thank you again Marnia.


Thanks for checking in

I'm glad things are easing a bit. You're not the first to notice that the first two weeks after ejaculation are the toughest.

It won't always be so tough, as you know.

And all the work will come back to you. If you master thought control, you'll use if for life.

Definitely go for some snuggling if you can.


26 Days Down

I feel like Ive almost obtained this veteran tag with this whole journey. Because Ive hit so many bumps on the road and each time I make more progress, it makes this time somewhat easier. Its still hard as hell dont get me wrong, not for the fact of avoiding porn but ignoring my intrusive thoughts. Its hard but in the end I just have this feeling like ive been there so many times before that I can get through this. It really does help. I had a bit of an epiphany today, I didnt realize actually how obsessed with sex I am. I dont crave it so much at this point because Im still not ready but its just drilled in my brain. Everywhere I go and I see someone for the first time (a stranger on the road or in the mall for instance) and without thinking subconsciously my brain analyzes them to the point of what their orientation is. It really bugs me because I honestly dont care and i just want to move on with my day but my brain doesnt let me sometimes. There are so many times where I cant even see a stranger or a friend for who they are, I just see them naked. Just flashes of them naked, girls or guys. I totally understand the normal being that fantasizes someone naked that they really like (A teenager boy who cant pay attention in class because hes thinking of what his school teacher looks naked for instance) so its not the fact that im mentally undressing certain people here and there but its the fact that it happens SO OFTEN and at such random occurrences/triggers/unwanted triggers. It happens at times where I dont even find the person attractive or I dont want to find them attractive yet the image of them naked pops up in my head instead of what im looking at through my eyes which is just a person in clothing. Especially when it comes to younger children or elderly people. Im not some kind of pedo who endulges in child pornography or likes elderly people, my mind is just so on the fritz. I can deal with it if its someone im passing on the street and then can quickly come back to my regular senses and forget about it, but if its someone im actually engaging in a conversation with, it escalates almost in a panic attack for me. I try and end the conversation smoothly and have to quickly find a quiet place like a bathroom or just simply go on a walk to calm myself down. It sometimes feels as if someone is controlling how I think and I have no say in it. My old dirty porn mind is whats driving it I think.

My anti depressants are now taking an effect, its been two weeks since Ive been taking it. I dont notice huge changes but I am somewhat happier at certain times of the day where I usually wouldnt. It helps me forget about everything else going on in my mind and life and just focus on being happy.

I've heard that a lot

I think that's what guys call "porn flashbacks." Be glad you just see people naked in your mind. Some guys start putting them in porn scenarios.

However, they fade with time. So just don't give them much energy or try to analyze them as if they mean something. Time will heal them.

Glad you're feeling a bit less reactive.

HItting LOWS

My thoughts of suicide are coming back, I thought I was past that but holy crap I have hit another all time low. Its the end of term for college which is one thing so things are a bit hectic but my mind is just going nuts and I feel so down. There is no libido at all, I have erections in my sleep but when I see a girl in person its like im not even attracted to them and it scares me so much. I see a guy and its a scare or a little shock, I am not attracted to them at all but due to my porn habits it automatically fires that old neuron. Ive been through this before and I know usually how to get through it but I dont know what it is, I just need to vent its just really bad right now. At the point where im going to take a couple drags from a joint just to calm me down and regain some sleep, by no means am I going to be getting back into weed but I am so tense and paranoid right now its driving me nuts and my sleep patterns are screwed up. Got in a fight with my house mate today and we were texting each other and somehow I started thinking wow we sound like a married couple yapping at each other and I was just thinking this is ridiculous so I decided to apologize. But because I thought that I kept on processing and thought of us as an actual couple. The whole day my mind kept coming back to it and kept on scaring the crap out of me. I was doing a really good job mentally for 3 weeks just keeping on track and being able to deal with these speedbumps but right now due to the extra stress its become such a challenge.

The post that marnia just put it up with the 16:9 interview really helped and kicked my mind back into gear, it was a nice reminder to get back on track.

I need to get back into working out ive taken a big break due to school but thats no excuse because im in such a shitty, tense and irritated mood these days. My friends dont like being around me and I dont want to be so cranky but I cant help it.

Writing all this out really feels good though I feel a little bit more at peace. Just reminds me of what is actually happening and to stop believing everything that comes through my mind.

Will do for sure!

Yea I found that for sure its just the motivating part but im gunna get myself going here.

Just one thing I wanted to say to any of you who are currently taking anti depressants. I know side effects differ from person to person but I think my recent rock bottom moments have had a lot to do with alcohol. Before I started taking these meds a month ago I was drinking once a week usually on a friday and would drink pretty heavy. I thought it wouldnt be a big deal to do the same on meds but it is a totally different scenario. A depressant vs an anti depressant is a terrible solution and I learned the hard way. It seemed as if everytime I drank on meds, not even that much, 3 beers at the most, I would feel fine that night but the next night and for about three days to follow I felt more depressed than usual, a rock bottom feeling. I literally just wanted to be alone and not talk to anyone. I figured the first time this happened it was just a fluke, but this has happened consecutive times now and its my best intention to just quit drinking for a period of time until im better. It hit me today, I got out of the rut and it just hit me like a wall mid day, mood was a bit higher, my irritation to small things werent bugging me. So just to warn anyone out there taking meds as well, dont drink or drink very very little if you are going to something social like a party. It only makes matters worse, its an awful experience.

best of luck

Recovering from the hocd myself here. With OCD know that it if you don't treat it it gets worse before it gets better. Sounds like you are doing the right stuff to get through that and nearing the light at the end of the tunnel.

Doing Good I think.

Alot has happened in these last few days for me. I get into this vibe that I think its alright to go into bad habits just because Ive gone so long without it so it shouldnt affect me the same way. That mindset is completely false. I smoked weed again last night because one of my closest friends came over for the weekend and he wanted to chill like old times. So I smoked a bowl of weed and it was fun for the first part then the OCD kicked in and when I went to bed I ended up MO'ing. I had this urge to, this rush that I had when I looked at porn. Old habits came back into my head, like the thought of running outside naked or urinating in a weird place. Just weird old habits that were associated with porn. I woke up and was so curious as to why these old extinct thoughts could just re occur when I smoked weed and other substances. I never correlated the dopamine rush that comes from weed to porn but thats exactly it. A lightbulb flicked on in my head, anything that increases dopamine will bring back those old sexual urgest that are associated to my old porn habits. It just felt great to know why and now I can move forward with knowledge as to why that occurs not just a theory.

I also went to my counsellor again and it was the last time I would see her before I head home as the end of my semester at school is almost over. I have previously told her about my porn addiction but had never gone to so much details about HOCD just because I find it hard to bring up because alot of people just assume automatically your using it as a cover of being homosexual. But I just thought hey might as well just go into more detail about it because its the last time ill see her and shes been really supportive of everything thus far. She understood for the most part but still hinted that I need to just embrace my sexuality and be happy. I found it to be very frustrating talking to her at one point just because she wasnt educated on the situation and thats not her fault at all. She went on to say that Ive done a great job of overcoming this addiction and that I should be proud of my progress thus far. She also said she knows that shes not educated in the pornography addiction field but she knows a close co worker who does. She gave me his number and said he specializes in gambling and pornography addictions. He's really good with the neurotransmitters part behind this topic and that he would help me in a big way. She also said he had been married to a woman divorced then became gay. I got nervous when she said this because I dont want to walk into an ambush of him just saying embrace everything and be gay. I know I have the last say in everything but I just hope he can understand my situation and not just jump to conclusions because I think if he can actually give some advice or education on HOCD in person I really think it can help me. Im the type of person who needs some verification and knowledge to put away my fears so if he can help it would be great. I gave him a call and im just waiting a response as he wasnt able to answer his phone at the time.

My minds been running ever since I left the counsellors office, just for the fact that she kept pumping in the idea of embracing my sexuality and to not be afraid. Its just ramping up my HOCD, almost a feeling of im not sure what to believe. Ive calmed down a bit now and have stopped analyzing and breaking down ideas and just focusing on other things like school. I just dont want to listen to another person who is just assuming and not understanding the full situation, im a gullible person and I guess thats why what the counsellor said to me just made me think more and more and more until I went in another panic attack.

Im just crossing my fingers that this guy can help and I think that he can if he specializes in this department.

Oh and I am still on my meds by the way Marnia. They seem to be going well for the most part, I notice small changes in certain areas of the day where I would usually constantly have a really low mood. This has now changed to constantly higher moods.

Had a good experience as well

On the weekend I went out downtown and ended up going home with a girl. She was pretty cool and we didnt have sex but were close to. I felt really confident this time though. Before my problem was worrying about my ED or how I wasnt gunna be able to do it. I had a strong erection and just felt ready almost but I didnt go through with it because I still wanted to stick to my morals about making my first time special and not doing it on a one night stand because the chances are I will not see her again. But I took that as encouraging news, really confident instead of shaking nervous

Very glad to hear this

You've come a long way...despite relapses. 

I think you see clearly that your counselor just doesn't know about porn-induced HOCD. Period. I think you're worrying about it because you relapsed. Wink

Hope you have a great summer!

good job

You are feeling more relaxed and confident and you had a good experience which will make you more relaxed, confident and have more good experiences. As my counselor taught me One day at a time.


I am doing better Marnia. Thanks for asking. Taking herbs inositol and NAC which help.

I am seeing a new girl who I like. Dating helps a lot with the ocd/anxiety and the resulting insecurities. She is also very supportive and patient with porn/anxiety related ED which helps with my recovery from that. I mostly gave up P and M for her and this creatives a positive feedback loop.

I would not say I am healed I don't think you can 100% heal from ocd but with 80% healing I can have a normal life again.