I used to post on this site regularly (I'm going to say 3-5 years ago) and felt both motivated and inspired to fight my ongoing battle with pornography.
I got to a point where I thought it was best for me to move on and to continue taking steps to further distance myself from online pornography. That was a huge mistake. I like to dream that one day I will never have this in my mind but that will never be the case, unfortunately. Yes, I was happy that I got to a point where I felt like I could continue this battle by myself and distance myself from this community. Such a bonehead decision on my part.
Flash forward to today and I am currently on the tail end of a three-month backpacking trip around SE Asia/Japan. It has been an incredible experience, and one that I envisioned would be the antidote to my crippling online pornography urges. The whole, "I'll find myself, build confidence and come back a different man." Sounds like a cheesy mess, but in ways, I have built confidence in certain areas such as stating what I want instead of hiding and not speaking up due to my shy tendencies. In terms of my addiction, I have failed miserably and honestly this trip has done more harm, well I have done more harm than good. To reiterate, I have travelled solo this whole time, tagging along with groups of people along the way (whom all have been wonderful). But at the end of the day, there is one thing that I have not been able to conquer, and that my ongoing loneliness. I am extremely passionate about photography and have brought all of my gear over as an incentive to get out more so that I can limit my alone time in dorms/bathrooms. This past week I think I have viewed pornography five times. I haven't been down in this hole since first-year University six years ago.
Quick tidbit of info: before I left for this trip I just ended a very short lived relationship that to me was the best thing that had occured to me romantically. I really struggled getting over her. She broke up with me because of our difference in age (I turn 24 next month and she is 28). I was very angry, sad, and defeated. It wasn't a valid enough excuse for me. That isn't a big age gap, but now I respect her decision as she has every right to do whatever makes her happy. We were perfect together though. Same humour and she wanted to help me with this issue no matter how many times I resisted (because when I usually bring this up to a woman I have been seeing they get scared or confused and the relationship then becomes a ticking time bomb).
Every time I fall into a spiral of shame after viewing pornography but I ultimately tell myself, "forget about it and focus on the next day." My strategy needs to change. Period. I have to break my current habits and try something new.
My kryptonite has been lack of sleep. I just straight up have gotten such crappy sleeps along this trip which is to be expected but for me, sleep is vital. If I don't I just follow my emotions and lately that has been a mess.
What haunts me the most, is that before this trip I approached a couple of producers in a city close to home about a documentary I wanted to create about the harmful effects of online pornography. We filmed a teaser video before I left and from what I hear it has been going really well. Numerous broadcasters are interested and the producers are working their tails off to make the edits look as perfect as possible. Why isn't this enough motivation for me to stop fapping to pornography? I feel like such a fraud. They filmed me on camera and I told them my whole story as if I have overcome all of this but little does everyone know that I have been failing miserably abroad.
My plan is to switch up my routine which includes writing this post and definitely writing more often so that I can switch things up. In ten days I return home and my goal is to come back on a no pornography streak.