Relapse and anti anxiety pills

Submitted by Hockeygod28 on
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I relapsed the other day and it had been about a year since I'd viewed porn. The weird thing was as soon as I was getting an erection it just felt un natural or fake. I was and still am very angry at myself, yet I saw this coming with the summer job I agreed to do. It's long hours and choppy sleep (4 hours here and 4 hours there). I'm also stuck on a 80 foot ship for 80 days so I'm going a bit nuts. Thankfully ive become really close with the housekeeper on board the ship. We get along really well and I feel safe around her, we've shared some really intimate stuff and it sounds silly because its only been a month but she really helps me out with my problems and I do the same with hers. I was and still am extremely attracted to her and we got close but decided it was best not to do anything sexual until the end of the summer. We still became very intimate and it started to make her stressed out because of the rules of the workplace which I completely understand. I took it the wrong way and thought it was me, it sent me into a downwards spiral and boom I relapsed again. This time has been extremely difficult though. As soon as that night occured it was if a floodgate opened in my brain and began to torture me with previous tastes and experiences I had with porn. I couldn't believe it, just from one time! It had been a year. I began to have a really hard time with people after that, I couldn't stop picturing everyone in a sex scope, it drove me nuts. Everywhere I looked I just saw everyone naked and doing devious sex acts. I also started having a more difficult time around other men which is linked to the hocd. I recently made amends with the woman I work with and I am starting to feel better just being around her even if she just wants to be friends.

I recently got prescribed an anti anxiety pill by the name of quetiapine. I started having mini panic attacks, and the local nurse in this remote area got these pills shipped in by plane. I've taken it three times and every time it just knocks me out. I don't notice a huge difference in my anxiety but I'm hoping it will get better with time. This whole summer at work I've just felt as if I'm about to explode at any moment due to anxiety. There are many factors to this as it is my third year here and the novelty has definitely worn off.

I started wearing a hair ekastic around my wrist with the purpose of snapping it everytime i get a burst of anxiety or any intrusive thoughts.


Friend, are you eating well?

Friend, are you eating well? Any concern with your sugar intake or with your intake of highly refined carbs, which are de facto sugar?

Do you get sufficient omega 3s from your food (which are found in deep-sea oily fish, free-range eggs, and free-range beef)? Or, should you consider an omega 3 supplement, such as krill oil? Omega 3s are important for brain cell integrity.

Do you get sufficient probiotics in your food (which are found in 'live' yogurt and 'live' sauerkraut, etc.)? Your gut produces neuotransmitters, and processed foods can contain ingredients that kill off your gut flora.

Have you tried the supplement, SAM-e? Have you tried EFT (see first link, below)?

Are you eating wheat, which can have a terrible effect -- e.g., schizophrenia -- on some folks?

I am leery of powerful psychotropics to treat anxiety and depression (the diagnoses are qualitative on a spectrum, and vary based on the perception of the psychologist or psychiatrist), based on our experience with one of our children. There were terrible side effects with the series of drugs. Only when our child dropped the psychiatric drugs and moved to fish/krill oil and eating well was there improvement (and total recovery).

Just food for thought, friend!

Finishing the summer

I only have three trips left here at the fishing lodge that I'm working at but yet it seems so far away. I haven't been on any meds for about three weeks and I've felt good about it. The girl that I work with has been by my side this whole summer and we are taking it to the next level. We had sex last week and it was goor but I know my sensitivity wasn't all there. We shouldn't have in the first place because we have been trying to hold off until the end of the season due to workplace reasons. Today we were smuggling on our time off in my room and I got so excited that I jerked off in the shower afterwords by myself. It completely screwed me up because afterwords at work I aost had a panic attack. It was as if I opened Pandoras box and a surge of intrusive thoughts hit me especially hocd thoughts. It made me sick and I had to lock myself in a dockshed away from people to calm down and breathe. I love being with her because I feel so afae and she stops my mind from going 100 mph but I can't be around her 24\7. Last year before I lost my virginitty I had a two month hiatius of no pmo or mo and it was the best I had ever felt. I want to get back to that because I can't deal with this crap anymore, these panic attacks are becoming too frequent.

I took an anti anxiety pill tonight to hopefully help.

Another factor could be that Ihave worked 65 straight days on a ship with no access to land. I'm

You know about the chaser, right?

What is "the chaser?" That might help explain the post-shower feelings.

Sleep deprivation can definitely do crazy things. Just recently saw a study on some military guys who were having problems from staying up too much playing video games. Let me know if you want me to dig it up. Also, not saying this is directly relevant, but you might find this guy's last post (scroll down) interesting:

Do the right things...and keep doing them. You'll be fine.


Tired prpne to more triggers.

A big thing for me is once I'm sleep deprived, I am the most prone to anxiety and intrusive thoughts. I don't ha e any days off here and it's been 65 or so straight days and I think in the morning I'm just simply driven by my unconscious. It's as if I have no filter as to what goes on up there until about mid day when I finally wake up mentally.

The girl I'm with wants to know what's bugging me and I have told her about my pornograpjy problem but only scratched the surface. I don't want her to know everything, one being that we still don't know each other that well and two being the fact that I don't want to scare her with the shit that goes on in my head because its already enough that it scares me.

Treatment for anxiety attacks

See my story at about a time I spent with a woman mostly just snuggling. I said:

"My purpose for proposing the visit were to enjoy lots of physical affection; to see if I could enjoy being with a woman 24 hours a day for two weeks without sex in the picture; to build up my confidence with dating and being around women; to show her that she is lovely and lovable (as I strongly suspected from our correspondence) and that she CAN attract the affectionate attention of a nice man; and to give her some "oxytocin therapy", to help her heal mentally (from some previous bad experiences with men, and from anxiety and rage attacks) and physically. On the third day we were together, she had a mild anxiety attack. (I might not have known she was having an anxiety attack if she hadn't told me.) I just held her calmly and talked to her. After an hour, she came out of it and was fine. Other than that anxiety attack, she seemed very sweet and normal for the whole visit."

I don't suffer from anxiety attacks myself, but I definitely find that snuggling up with a woman is very calming and soothing for me too.

My suggestion to you would be to sleep with your friend every night if possible but without the intention to have sex, or, if you can't control yourself, make it karezza.

Orgasms have some unpleasant hangover effects. I'm not surprised that it could cause HOCD and anxiety attacks for some people.

Odd incident

We ended up having sex again and it wasn't the same. I got extremely nervous and almost sick. I was so uncomfortable this time around. I'm not sure why because the first time we did it was great. I really enjoy simply snuggling with her and having her in my arms. When we start taking it further I start over thinking and have flashbacks of negative experiences. I have always really enjoyed giving females oral sex, its a happy time for me, I really enjoy it. Last night I couldn't do it, I went down and just got sick to my stomach with nerves. I'm not letting this one night ruin things because it was just one night. I told her that my libido is just really low at the moment t, which it is. She got extremely upset about the oral sex she provided me. I lost my erection after she had e me oral sex and she considered if a failure. She didn't fail, I keep telling her that, I just simply wasn't in the right mindset to get frisky. I was close to another panic attack earlier that day (running on three hours of sleep). I suggested the idea of holding off on anything sexual until we are out of this fishing camp and in our regular lives, its too stressful around here, we are all on call 24/7.

The plan is still intact

We aren't had ng sex, just cuddling. We have tried to tone down on the naked cuddling because we always end up having sex. With the more time I spend with her intimately I have noticed how much more of an erection i am able to achieve. When we started seeing each other I probably had 3\4 of an erection and it bugged me because I wanted I knew I wasn't fully aroused. Recently my erection has been so strong and she makes comments about it as well.

There is only 6 days left of this summer job and I am going back home afterwords for the first time in 2.5 months. I am so excited to just sleep and get my mind back in order. I bad to take an anti anxiety pill last night because j felt out of control of my thoughts. It helped but I had the craziest wet dreams, I envisioned myself having sex with my mom and one of my friends mom. Freaked me right out but I have been having alot of weird thoughts lately and I know its due to the amount of sleep I'm getting. I sleep in 4 hour intervals twice a day due to work. It's illegal in my opinion but my boss is not someone you want to mess with. I'm just trying to get through these last few days.

Today when I was snuggling with her during our break. She brushes her fingers down my back all the time because it feels so good. It relaxes me but today was different . she brushed her fingers all the way to my butt cheeks and it felt good but it immediately through my hocd back into the ring. I was thinking about how much I loved her soft touch and then my head went onto think that there is men out there that have soft touches as well. I had to get up and go to the washroom, it freaked me out. Being with a women had always saved me from my hocd , why did it make it worse just now! I am so god dam tired of this crap. As soon as I finished brushing my teeth I got over it but how the hell am I supposed to deal with it next time. Ugh I just want to strangle someone right now.