IM1969's blog

Learning!

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Submitted by IM1969 on

I have realised that I can learn about myself in some areas that I thought I had mastered. I'm not disappointed by this, I'm actually pretty excited by it.
I realised today that when I get cravings for sexual release that I have a sort of pyramid of desires and my brain trickles down until it finds the most achievable/best deal at that moment.

Just got to not listen to it bargaining!!

All good!

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Submitted by IM1969 on

A good weekend - plenty of 'loving' and even sex.
Just got to keep on keeping on and stay in the moment. Stop any urges by quickly realising where they will lead.
Have achieved a lot more work, training etc than when I had slipped.
Got to keep learning always.

It's all about, 'the self.'

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Submitted by IM1969 on

All good here and still thinking a lot. Have decided that I will carry on working at staying on top of this by doing what I have been and then if there is some relapse in the future despite this then I will look at getting some therapy to help with the shadows from the past.
Either way I am the only person to sort this out when it comes down to it.

It makes me think of this from the Bhagavad Vita.

"Lift up the self by the Self - And don't let the Self droop down - For the Self is the self's only friend - And the self is the Self's only foe"

A reminder to me..... (and may be others)

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Submitted by IM1969 on

....I am married to a beautiful woman. I don't need to look anywhere else to fulfill any 'needs' I have. When I focus on her and our love then things are better.

I have lots to do that will make me a better person and make me feel better about myself.

PMO/webcams and looking outside my relationship will not add to my life, it will only damage things.

I am very fortunate and have lots of chances in life to grow.

I choose these chances over my addiction.

More 'all good here'

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Submitted by IM1969 on

No compulsion to MO yesterday........... none whatsoever! (They were some attractive women at the gym/pool but I did the look-appreciate-move on (thanks Marnia!) and didn't really feel like lingering.

I was busy and this really helps. Got lots to do with work, training and planning a trip that were are doing soon.

Feeling really close to MrsIM1969. It is very odd to think how I was thinking about her when I had lapsed before. However by her own admission she is working on her 'issues' too.

Still good here.....

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Submitted by IM1969 on

Not a lot to report really.

A few 'inappropriate' images popping in (and out,quite quickly) of my head but not as vivid as they had been, including a very odd dream about sex-aids.

I am feeling pretty good and when I have been tempted to slip I have just dwelled on the thoughts, examined them up close for what they are and projected into the future and seen where they will take me and thought about the better alternatives. The urges have not been like I remember they were in the past.

Interesting.....

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Submitted by IM1969 on

I really noticed yesterday that I had some images etc pop into my head at pretty inappropriate times during the day. The thing was I am sure that this will have happened in the past when I was re-booting but this time they were very vivid and really stuck out. I think that this is probably because my brain was a mess before they were there a lot more and less obvious whereas now it's a bit more sorted they jump out in contrast. It makes things easier to tackle.

A good day

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Submitted by IM1969 on

Yesterday was a good day.

I had a few urges/thoughts/images but I didn't crumble or rush off and hide. I spent some time recognising the thoughts, thinking about how they made me feel and then thinking of what the long term effect of giving in to them would be.

Really back in to the work and listening to music too. No training though, as although it helps me with the addiction, if I train when I have lost time because of PMO, it adds to the shame and I don't find it a positive experience. I try to use it as a reward. I will be out on the bike today.

Feeling positive despite all.

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Submitted by IM1969 on

Yes I slipped after more 270 days (which led to a month of on and off binging) I stopped coming on here and working at it after 200.

Previously I had gone about 100 days? I think I stopped coming here after about 80 then had slipped for about 260 days! So in two years I have been 'clean' for about half

So if I look at the numbers I can stay clean for a long time but need to work on it as after 1-2 months things don't work without thinking about staying on top of it.

I have made a mistake.....

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Submitted by IM1969 on

...I say 'mistake' but what I really want to type isn't very nice so I will refrain.

Well my last update was 203 days(?) and after that I went up to 271 days.

My mistake is that I stopped coming on here and I stopped working on it.

I am an addict and I always will be. This is not to say that I can't stay on top of it but I have to keep working at that. I obviously can't go 2 months without working on it a bit.

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