Update, after a pause

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Submitted by imnotcoming on
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I haven't found a karezza partner.  I've been dating a few people.

One of them (Ethan) I mentioned at the end of 2011.  He's the main player of the last half-year.  Because of what we talked about on our first date, I got it in my mind early on that if we dated, he would be into karezza, for sure.  I think he was playing up his interest in and knowledge about orgasm abstention because it was a first date. 

It got messed up pretty quickly.  It turned out that he wasn't into karezza; rather, he used ejaculation abstention to extend lovemaking over the course of a couple days (have sex at night/no orgasm, have sex again in the morning/orgasm).  He has a really slow style, too, which confused me, because it seemed like we had the same flow at first, but our paths diverged after a few times.  I guess I thought that someone who had made it that far would find the jump to karezza to be the natural next step.  He did say that it seemed like the most logical way to keep a monogamous relationship together, but he didn't want to do it with me.  He knew from the beginning that I wanted that, but he is a total dom in the bedroom and expected me to go along with his flow, because the other women he's been with wanted exactly what he had to give.  He's really good at conventional sex.

Looking back, I see that I fell in love with him the day we first hooked up.  He never fell for me, but for some reason, I couldn't see that and I thought we had a future.  Our vibe also got messed up with me being needy and him being critical and controlling.  I fought it all the way down because I'm stubborn and not used to men being critical of me.  I broke up with him at the end of February, but we had another burp around the end of March.

Then I froze him out for another month, and I finally figured out that we can be friends pretty successfully as long as I don't sleep with him.  So now we are friends and I don't sleep with him.  He's sweet and complimentary like when we first met.  I was feeling pretty good about us being friends, especially since I've been casually seeing three other men since mid-April. 

I had a good stretch of snuggling with three different people in rotation (two of the new ones plus Ethan) and holding the sexual energy and feeling very energized and even.  But then I felt like I couldn't hold the energy anymore, and I had conventional sex with Henry (new guy) twice, and that brings me to the current moment.  The sexual current I was holding got wiped out, I've lost interest in Henry, and the others, too, and I'm super sad about Ethan, because he's moving far away in a week.  When he talks about moving, I get really upset, and that's what makes me feel that I did fall in love with him, whatever that means.

I had gotten excited about the prospect of Henry being into karezza - if he had been, he could've pushed Ethan out easily, but it's not even close to what he wants right now. 

Despite being a little black raincloud today, I think I've finally stopped trying to speed up the natural rhythm of things.  I've totally given up on trying to get someone interested in karezza. 

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I think it's healthy

Sorry about the disappointment and sadness around Ethan and Henry.

I am not in a position where this is an issue, but I do think it's far better not to focus on the other person. The only person you can focus on is yourself.

If you are practicing Karezza that is the important thing, isn't it?

It is super difficult to hold onto this space when your partner is into conventional sex, isn't it? But it isn't impossible. It's something to keep working at. Then you'll find someone who will be attracted to you for this, or someone you are involved with will be attracted to your way.