Beginning The Journey

Submitted by Inquire Within on
Printer-friendly version

Ordered Cupid's Arrow today. Sent my husband links to information on this site and youtube videos with the hope he will be open to living Karezza. Neither of us have porn addiction (to my knowledge), but I have been aware of the Coolidge effect in our marriage for years. I've longed for cuddling slow sex for years, have given him "hints" but figure at this point, after 20 years of marriage, it's time to be more direct with my needs. I see some of my bouts of hysteria and his response "you just need to get laid" to be true. But I didn't need orgasm - nor did he. I just needed to be affirmed, caressed, gazed upons, stroked.

So we shall see how things unfold. Ironically, I have already planned a six month break from our routine. I'm going to be living 6 hours away starting about a month from now. Before stumbling upon this site I thought the break would create an "absence makes the heart grow fonder" experience, so perhaps when I do see him occassionally during the 6 months we'd have some great sex. I always feel like I'm begging for sex, often feel rejected etc, but what I really want is some direct attention.

How can I build Karezza into the six month distance? Does phone Karezza exist? Are words enough? Should I send gifts, make calls, send email notes....??

Topic:

Comments

I cannot answer many of your

I cannot answer many of your specific questions, but I can relate to being new to this. I think it is such a positive personal step for yourself to communicate more directly with him. Hopefully you will have a positive experience like I did. Having your feelings validated and heard is quite profound. Best of luck to you...

I think all those things can help

but we evolved without email, cams, phones or florists, so those aren't the signals that primitive part of our brains seek.

Maybe think about starting the karezza when you can be together more regularly. It can be hard to control yourself when you see each other infrequently. It's much easier with daily snuggling.

Good luck! Hope things sort out. Relationships are precious.

20 Year Habits are Hard to Break

The book arrived and I've been avidly reccommending it to everyone! - Except the husband. Funny how I can talk about this friends, co-workers, family (even brothers), but not to my husband. My fear is hurting his ego. He has tried so hard all these years and I know his take will be that I am saying he's a failure. Not at all what I'm trying to say. Last night all was going well in the bedroom, fabulous sweet, slow, but then he panicked and rushed the end. Uggg. I didn't orgasm and felt wonderful.

Also purchased Tantric Orgasm for men. Was going to leave it on his night stand. I don't want to insult or hurt him, but we need to open and grow in a new way. Cupid's Posoin Arrow is definetly too long to for him to actually read, and the spirituality aspects will be a major stumbling block. Perhaps a few years down the line. I did send him the links to the YouTube videos and this site. My concern with the site is all the talk about porn addiction will cloud his ability to see the other great ideas presented here.

it's a common story

we get very enthusiastic about this thing, this Karezza, and we proselytize everyone around us. I think we all go through this. Or most of us anyway.

Here's my take on things. There is nothing or nobody more important than your husband in your world, as my wife is in mine. And it truly takes two to tango and two to make love differently.

This evolves over months. It took us about 5 months to get into sync together. And my wife wouldn't read the books or anything. She thought my emphasis on sex was really too much and she didn't care that much about sex at all.

But that is gradually changing and as she changes, I change. I was initially needy and obsessed and now I'm not needy anymore and I'm not obsessed. It's become a quiet source of joy and pleasure for both of us and continues evolving. I keep a journal and I can see how it has evolved even over the past month.

My best advice is not to put any pressure on. And sending links or leaving books strategically around counts, in my world, as pressure.

The more I pushed the more she pulled back. I'm glad it only took 4 months or 5 months to get out of this push-pull situation as it caused considerable pain. I don't think I could have done it any differently, me being me, but if I was a perfect soul I would have pulled back more and let her come to me more, and not pushed or pressured as much.

As it is, I have been non-orgasmic for awhile now, 5 or 6 months, but she has not. However, most of the time, we both are. And it's been delightful, sublime, wonderful. Her enjoyment is increasing. I can tell, which is a delight to me, of course. And even if she has an orgasm it really isn't my business, it's hers, so I'll help her do whatever she wishes to do. Mostly she doesn't seem to want to have one most of the time.

We've been together longer than 20 years and this is the best sex we've ever had, and what's cool about it is it's far deeper and connects on a more profound level than ever before. My feelings for her have always been strong but they're much stronger and deeper now and sex and love are far more important to me than they were before. I've actually adjusted my business life to accommodate my new values -- it's been that important to me and I expect will remain so.

I hope this has been helpful.

 

 

Thank you

Emerson,
Your respose is very helpful. Thank you. I, too, am adjusting my life to better accommodate my values. Moving out of a career that has diminshed every bit of my being and becoming more receptive to opportunities in alignment with a more natural lifestyle. Today I read a beautiful quote, "Receiving is a gift of service. Receive with grace today." I am ready to recieve myself for the first time in many many years.

I do wonder, though, if I don't tell him about karezza or give him information how will he know? I love him and want him to experience a broader and deeper sense of sexuality and to share the experience with me. As he is aging and his erections are not as strong or long lasting he has become somewhat nervous and more driven toward performance and ejaculation than ever. I always assure him this is NOT my focus or concern - but it is his. So, no pressure and yet how to awaken new possiblities?

Journey

I hope he wants to come along on your journey~~perhaps since you are going to be separated, reading to him from one of the Richardson books over the phone could be something you could share? (that is one of the many things my lover and I do/did since we are apart during the week). Even though I gave him the men's book and he did read most of it, I feel certain he enjoyed having me read it to him and then the two of us talking about what I had read.

Also, even if he appears resistant at the outset, he could very well change his mind as it all starts to soak in and he has a chance to mull it around in his own mind. My beloved at first thought the idea of no orgasm was a tad bit crazy, but after 2+ years of making love this way, he tells me he is very grateful we discovered it. So patience is key!

Also, about being apart~~I think it's a wonderful way to learn to be creative in how you express yourself, whether it be through e-mails, texts, photos you send, or conversations. It's so easy to relate to someone when you are always together and you can sometimes get lazy...but when you can find ways to stay fresh even though you are apart, that is a great achievement. We send each other little photos of what happens throughout our days (sometimes the most mundane things) and it makes us feel as though we're sharing the daily moments. It's very nice. Sometimes he will record a song he's listening to on the radio and send it to me...the possibilities really are endless. You might find a whole new romance within each other~~ Smile

It's nice

to hear your encouragement. I read your blog posts and see I am about the same age as you (currently 49). My husband is 59. IHe will journey with me. I just don't want to push. Experience will be his teacher. I liked reading anothe woman's story.

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only woman who loves sex. So many women our age talk about not wanting to have sex or degrade it into animalistic f****. I love to be touched, caressed, entered, kissed...and I love stroking, kissing, touching, exploring all parts of his body. I guess this means my guy is a little more attentive than many???

Again, thank you.

Is he interested...

He's interested in having a great relationship and he was raised very Catholic and is a technical guy so talking about feelings or tenderness do not come easily.

It's probably mostly me. Just afraid to be vulnerable to a response I may not like.