This is harder than I remember. I went over one hundred days on my first reboot. I guess my motivation isn't as strong now...
Six weeks went by since we told each other "I love you" and said our goodbyes on her front doorstep. She told me she'd write that week. No letter came. I presumed turning my back on her fuck buddy arrangement had been a slash to her ego. "Screw you!". So that's that. But the opposite transpired. It was the most beautiful letter I have ever received. I felt an unusual mixture of happiness, exposure, and vulnerability as I read it. She knew things I'd felt she didn't, or couldn't, and gave me insights into my own life which I had even realised myself.
I said goodbye to my lover of one year with a very heated sex session. It triggered a chaser and I was masturbating to excess in the following days. I've been seeing friends (male and female) and staying with my sister down by the coast but every day this week I have masturbated 2 to 3 times and I've hardly got any work done. Working from home means I have to be self motivated and these masturbation slumps are a killer.
"Only in the beginning will it be difficult; soon it will become very easy. When there are two persons growing together, many times gaps will arise because people cannot keep pace with each other; everybody has his own speed, everybody has his own unique growth pattern. But if you love, you can wait a little till the other arrives, and then, hand in hand, you can move further."
Arranged for her to come round in the evening. She sounded stressed on the phone in the morning so I texted to tell her I would keep dinner in the oven and give her a massage when she got in.
I gave her a full body massage and really enjoyed looking after her, de-stressing her, and giving loving energy. I massaged her whole body from head to toe, including a bum massage. She was just wearing a thong and I found myself working hard to touch that area without turning her on. I was touching all around her vagina but in a way that wasn't meant to tease or heat her up.
Last night, slow sex, stayed connected upwards of 1 hour. I like how we naturally flow into this type of sex. Just talking, comforting and touching and gradually becoming connected. Whereas orgasm driven sex the build up is fuelled by conflict, submission, dominance. Flirting with each other. Teasing and winding each other up until. Acting as if sex might not happen. Dirty talk. Until it all gets too much and we rip each other's cloths off in a frenzy.
She'd had a hard day and asked to see me. I always enjoy seeing her, and care deeply about her so my answer was "of course". After putting down the phone I started to wonder whether it was such a good idea. Should she be seeing me as the one to go for comfort now that our relationship is no more? She had indeed had a rough old day. Although I felt empathy it wasn't strong like it would of been when going out. Our lives aren't as closely intertwined. The facts themselves didn't trigger much emotion in me but I felt a strong need to comfort her.
She's just left. I'm a bit blown away by what just happened.
After splitting with my girlfriend I decided to abstain from MO. I wanted to clear my mind and chasing sexual urges would only confuse my thinking. After my experience with ED last year I know I will never use porn again, however I also see merit in cutting right down on masturbation for good.