Arranged for her to come round in the evening. She sounded stressed on the phone in the morning so I texted to tell her I would keep dinner in the oven and give her a massage when she got in.
I gave her a full body massage and really enjoyed looking after her, de-stressing her, and giving loving energy. I massaged her whole body from head to toe, including a bum massage. She was just wearing a thong and I found myself working hard to touch that area without turning her on. I was touching all around her vagina but in a way that wasn't meant to tease or heat her up.
We connected for 30 minutes in a still meditation. Staring into each other's eyes, just being with one another in the moment is a very powerful thing. Feeling my penis growing and exploring her vagina. All of a sudden she asked for a break. She said she felt overwhelmed with emotions. She looked on the verge of tears. She found it very hard to explain but just wanted to hug and be close to me. As if she didn't want to let me go. We sleep holding each other and it was a very deep sleep, unlike normal when we share a bed. She told me it was the first time she'd slept properly for weeks. Neither of us had an orgasm.
Tells me she loves me
We were kissing and cuddling the next morning and she told me she loved me. Hearing those words felt amazing. I genuinely wasn't expecting it as she had explicitly told me she didn't love me when we broke up. I had said it to her 3 days before. However she said it still didn't change anything. She still needed to work on herself and had all the same commitment and relationship problems as before. At this point I really opened up. I told her how she made me feel. The fact I was so deeply in love with her and would go to such extents to make her happy. That I saw the potential for something amazing.
The strangest orgasm of my life
We kissed and cuddle and then she gave me a long penis massage and I became really sensitive. She then licked my penis but in a way to confort rather than stimulate. However I was too aroused and told her I was going to cum. I came and then was overwhelmed with this energy. I was literally giggling like a kid and felt this rushing sensation round my body for 5 minutes or so. I really don't know what this was. I felt energised after that orgasm rather than drained.
I was leaving to go abroad and it looked like the last time we were going to see each other. Her phone went and she had to go see her friend who was having some problems. She suddenly was overwhelmed with passion and we both found ourselves kissing each other in a way I've never done before. So much energy. She wanted to have orgasm driven sex but she also needed to go.
We were saying goodbye for a few months and she was saying 'Is this the right thing?'. I told her I could fly back to see her. I was willing to hold on but she said we had to move on. She thought that the past few weeks of seeing each other after 6 weeks of no contact had just been respite. Things were still the same. It was such an emotional morning. I left town that day as I needed to get my head straight.
Both on holiday in same place
Four days later and we are both on holiday in the same part of the country. Me with my sister, her with her Mum who was visiting and flown in from the other side of the world. I told her I was happy to meet up and wasn't scared to meet her Mum. She emailed to tell me she couldn't. Her words:
"Seeing you is too confusing, and too hard. Every time I’m around you I end up tricking myself into thinking we’re still together, and then leaving you feels like breaking up all over again."
We spoke later on the phone later in the week for an hour. 30 minutes of laughing and sharing tales before talking about 'us'. She still couldn't verbalise her commitment issues or why she couldn't do a relationship. She said she wants to be with me so much, can't imagine the idea of me being with someone else, and doesn't want to be with anyone else. She was crying down the phone. As ever I didn't understand her issues.
We are both in love, have an amazing time together, a great sex life, have shared so much, and gone through some difficult times together. It's the most intimate either of us has been. She said when alone things are clear in her head but they get confused when she sees me. She told me she would write a letter to explain.
I realised that I am bored of this. I've been patient, understanding, and giving since the start of the year. Yet despite my efforts we are in the same situation. I thought Cupid (gave to her to read) and non-orgasm driven sex might be a cure. I can see it's power, she recognises it but in a way it has left her more confused. She asked if we could just be 'fuck buddies'. After close to a year that's what she wants. That made me angry. At that point something changed in me and my opinion of her.
Fuck buddy rendezvous
I came back to town to clear out my flat before going away. She was back for 1 night before leaving again so we arranged to see each other. Her Mum was staying at hers but she wouldn't introduce me. I felt pretty insulted by that. I texted to tell her to come round in lingerie and to this was just sex, we were not going to talk about us. It's like a light has switched off in my head. I've expended so much emotional energy on this woman and I think I've hit my limit.
We talked for a bit, kissed. She started getting emotional and talking about things in her life but I stopped her. I felt no compassion. She got out her notepad with lots of writing on and told me she had been struggling to write the letter. I told her not to read anything but send it when she was done. Honestly I really just didn't want to know.
She went to the toilet. She came back into my room wearing a long jacket. She took it off and was just wearing some sexy lingerie and knee high boots. I was very dominant and aggressive. I made her cum 5 or 6 times through oral. I made her give me a forced blow-job. I fucked her hard from behind. I came really early wearing a condom, but stayed hard and carried on fucking her. I felt no love. I saw none of her beauty or femininity I saw during our slow non-orgasm driven sex.
We finished and joked around for a bit. I made her cum through oral several more times. Then she gave me a blow-job to orgasm. After I told her to leave. I didn't want her sleeping over. She asked if we could see each other again. I said for sex but that's all. She told me her fear was that I would get bored of this and move on.
This has become unhealthy. I think I need to let go
As sad as it is I feel a change has occurred. I now realise she is completely incapable of giving herself to a relationship. I thought her commitment phobia would be curable with time, patience, and loving affection. I thought that telling each other we were in love was a turning point. I now see the problem runs far deeper. I definitely feel anger towards her and it is not an emotion I particularly like. I think this could of been a great thing. It's such a shame. It's such a waste.
I've made all sorts of plans and am travelling and pursuing my adventure sports for the next 6 to 7 months. I expect to be in town infrequently over this period. I guess I will see her and have meaningless sex. It's simply about satisfying an urge. I sure it's unhealthy and I know I should probably just cut it off. However the sex is amazing. We've always had an unreal sexual connection. Also if I am being honest I still harbour the thought that time might change things. Perhaps I am just deluding myself.