I met her 2 days into my reboot - 1 year later I said goodbye to my lover

Submitted by intriqued on
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"Only in the beginning will it be difficult; soon it will become very easy. When there are two persons growing together, many times gaps will arise because people cannot keep pace with each other; everybody has his own speed, everybody has his own unique growth pattern. But if you love, you can wait a little till the other arrives, and then, hand in hand, you can move further."

"These are the real, difficult times~~when you come to know whether you love your partner, and whether your partner loves you, when these great gaps arise between you and you feel you are going far away from each other. These are the crucial moments, a fire test, when you should try to bring the other person who is left behind, closer to you. You should help the other person to be meditative.

The natural idea will be to bring yourself down so the other is not offended. That's an absolutely wrong attitude. You are not helping the other, you are hurting yourself. A good opportunity is being lost. When you could have pulled the other toward heights, you have descended yourself.

Don't be worried that the other will be offended. You make every effort to bring the other also to the same space, to the same meditative mind, and the other will be grateful, not offended. But these are not the moments when you should part from each other. These are the moments when you should make every effort to keep the contact with the other, with as much compassion as possible. Because if love cannot help the other in transforming the animal energies into higher spiritual energies, then your love is not love, not worth calling love."

Zia posted this passage in a comment on my previous blog post and it struck a chord. I'd become fuck buddies with my ex girlfriend and I wasn't happy about the situation. We'd taken something filled with love, intimacy, joy, friendship, trust, laughter, care and respect and turned it into the lowest common denominator. Mere pleasures of the flesh. I hated seeing her in this capacity, wondering about boundaries, her playing such a small part in my life, and the "what are we doing?" questions. I wasn't being true to myself. It felt great at the time but left me depleted and drained rather than inspired. It just wasn't possible with the woman I loved. I'd hung in their. I had been patient. I had tried to understand. But I realised we were simply at different places. So I made the decision to say goodbye. I told her we were going on a last date.

Relationship background

She broke up with me in February yet since then we'd been very much in each other's lives. She panicked when our relationship started to get more serious and ran from it. It happened twice and neither time felt like a rational or logical decision. The first time she was this bundle of raw emotions. I sent her away to think things through and by the weekend we were back to normal.

At the time I was looking at things in a very logical way. Trying to rationalise the way through her issues and problems. But it was a deep seated emotional response. She was afraid to get close to me, let me in, be vulnerable, accept my love and give hers. However she wanted to keep me in her life. She still wanted to have sex. At first I felt insulted but as time passed I realised her reaction must be part of something bigger. She was acting in a selfish way, yes, but there was more to it. She was keeping me in her life in the only way she knew how.

Both breakups were preceded by very heated sex sessions; the correlation seemed glaringly obvious. So I sent her a copy of Cupid. I wasn't sure how she would react to being sent it and the information within. She was interested in the science but couldn't match the patterns to her own life. However she was amazingly open minded and we tried Karezza for a couple of weeks and amazingly it created a space were we could saw those magic words 'I love you', something we had both been fearful of saying before. I actually told her first and I'm so pleased I found the courage to do so. I wasn't expecting her to say it in return, I just needed her to know. She told me 4 days later. I thought this had changed everything but sadly all her hesitations about the relationship were still there.

I wrote her a letter explaining how I felt and why I couldn't continue seeing her in a no strings attached sexual arrangement. I know she's retreated into a purely sexual relationship, her place of familiarity and safety. Her 'sex kitten' identify gave her some semblance of control over the relationship. She's a beautiful woman. If a 'fuck buddy' is all she wants then it'll be easy enough for her to find another. It doesn't need to be me. I expressed my gratitude for everything we've been through.

The last date

I told her that I didn't want our last date to be sad rather a celebration of us and everything we had shared together. In many ways the day mirrored our first date. She wore similar clothes and the places I took her and the things we did had a connection with that first meeting of strangers. I like this 'last date' concept. Why should the parting of lovers be sad? Why should it abruptly come to and end? Why not consciously choose to do something memorable.

It really was a great day. We walked, and chatted, and ate. Sharing a bottle of wine, with the best views over the city, we talked for 3 hours straight. It's something that amazes me. We've talked for 1000's of hours, shared so many stories, thoughts, and ideas yet we are never short of conversation. We actually stayed too long, I'd completely lost track of time. I felt we could of carried on sitting on those stools, legs intertwined as physically close as two people can be in public, talking for days. I still have so many questions, so much I want to find out about her, things I want to get her perspective on, jokes and tales I want to share. It was sad at times knowing this was an end but mostly it was joyous. Both of us being totally honest, at ease. A mutual understanding that although this was hard it was the right thing. No hard feelings, no arguments. It was beautiful. It's amazing that in all the time we've known each other we've never argued. We always seem to see things the same way. We don't irritate one another. It's always just relaxed and straight forward.

We had sex many times that night. Her best friend and housemate got back a few hours after us. We shared a few drinks, laughs, and tales together. I'll miss her as much as my lady. I always thought she disliked me in some way. I retrospect she was just being protective of her best friend. They are like sisters. She told me she had so much respect for me based on my actions, risks, and bravery in the way I'd handle our relationship. There was a lot of love and compassion in the room that night.

Later she spoke about her love of children, her maternal instinct and desire for kids. She asked me about being a father. We talked about marriage and our various VISA issues. It feels like because things are so good between us that it created a make or break situation in her mind. Also issues like living together, marriage, were brought about far sooner because we are from different countries. Maybe it felt like settling for her and that's not what she was after with a year left here. I feel time apart to reflect, be alone, and experience others will do us both a world of good.

Aggressive sex the next day - Pain for pleasure

We awoke with fuzzy heads and carried on where we left off. We had sex on and off for 4 hours that morning. I had two orgasms the night before but didn't orgasm that day. After a few hours I wasn't so aroused, I was so used to her naked body. We were talking and then were both overcome by an animalistic desire. I was being rougher with her than normal and she was reacting with moans of pleasure. I would dig my nails into her back and she would hit me. I'd force her down and she would bite me. Biting, scratching, hitting, spanking, choking. We were both getting so turned on.

To provide some background she always liked being submissive. I have no problem being dominant but at times she had wanted to be completely taken in an aggressive way. A rape fantasy. I tried it once. It scared me to see myself get that aggressive and being out of control (we had a safe word). She was asking me to slap her in the face which I drew a line at. She said she was scared and didn't recognise me. Towards the end she was asking me to "come back" and hugged me so tightly afterwards. It left me feeling very strange. She on the other hand just clicked out of it and was back to normal. I was left with all these questions. Why did she want to act out a rape? Has something caused this? Is this healthy? We talked about it afterwards and she was simultaneously ashamed 'Why do I always want to pervert things' and rational 'It's an escape. Completely loosing myself to a man. Feeling my most feminine'. It felt to me like this was a dangerous game to play.

Until that morning we'd never returned to this sexual scenario. It feels strange writing this on a public forum but I don't really have any other outlet. Apologies if this is too explicit. She became the dominant one and I submitted to her. She got so caught up in a moment, she was manic, seriously aggressive. "Your cock belongs to me, you little bitch". I'd never seen her like this. She was making a biting noise when near my cock. I would slap her ass and then she said "Are you really sure you want to be doing that when I'm in such an aggressive mood?". Then she slapped me in the face. I genuinely was a little scared. Was this still a game or had she actually lost it? She would blow me and then fuck me all the while I am lying obediently on my back. "Now fuck me hard like a good little boy". I would and then she would slap me in the face again. The thing was I was hugely turned on seeing her like this.

She would then get off and play a shy, submissive girl. "Have I been naughty? Do I need to be punished?" I spanked her hard, something I've always done a little, and fucked her hard. I wouldn't slap her though and told her this. It goes against my idea of how to treat woman. The thing is though that afterwards I realised her slapping me in the face was just a turn on. I don't know why but it did turn me on. I know she was acting this way towards me to show me it was ok to be aggressive towards her. This would be our last time having sex for a while, if ever, and I guess we got very experimental.

I've never had a sexual experience like this before. It was a first for me to be submissive to a 'dominatrix'. I find the dichotomy between sex and life fascinating. One moment she's slapping me in the face and calling me her bitch and the next she's making me lunch and drinking tea. Where does our sexual identity end and our regular identity begin? Are they separate or do they inform and influence one another? Last night we were practising Tantra, this morning BDSM. Our sex life has been an endless journey.

Serious chaser effect

I masturbated when I got back home. I masturbated 4 times yesterday and twice today. I was so turned on by this intense sexual experience. I had been limiting masturbation to once or twice a week and always stopped 3 or more days before seeing her as this contributes to better sex for both of us. These orgasms from masturbating have been powerful but haven't been necessary. I've barely done any work the past two days and haven't left the house. So I've decided to go a month without MO to rebalance. I want to maintain my energy and free myself from sexual desire whilst I get my head straight. I know this helped me last time after my breakup.

Saying goodbye

"If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. And if they don't, they never were."

We won't see each other for the next 5 months. I actually have three weeks left in the same country where we could meet up but I needed this to be a conscious decision. I couldn't go away and just let time be the deciding factor. I needed her to know how I felt and how unhappy the casual relationship was making me. Staying at that place wasn't helping her grow either. I think me calling it quits has given her a lot to think about. I think she was quite surprised that I turned my back on no-strings sex with her. Maybe that's the first time she's been unable to get her way through sex. I hope it makes her see that someone can love her for her and not just want her as a sexual object.

We've taken the relationship as far as we can go at this point in time. We are at different stages. So we call it the end of this chapter. I'll see her when I'm back but I don't have any expectations. We will meet as two new people, and either becomes friends, start a 'new' relationship (note it will be new rather than a continuation of the old as things will of changed), or decide we don't want to see each other anymore. We are both in love and that to me means we want the other to be happy, whatever form that may take. Love is not jealous, love is not possessive. She told me she can't imagine not always having me in her life. If a relationship starts with her when I get back then it will be on a whole new level. Two lovers spend 5 months apart yet still want each other more than anyone else? What a thing.

"And each relationship is a step towards a higher relationship. That higher relationship may happen with the same person, it may happen with another person, that is not the point. You follow me? It may happen with the same person, it may happen with another person, but this relationship will help you to go into that."
~ Osho

“Don´t be unnecessarily burdened by the past. Go on closing the chapters that you have read; there is no need to go back again and again. And never judge anything of the past from the new perspective that is arriving, because the new is new, incomparably new and the old was right in its own context, and the new is right in its own context, and they are incomparable. ”
~ Osho

Sitting on her doorstep smoking a final cigarette was sad but felt right. Everything we had been through over the past year. That chance encounter. Taking a risk on a stranger. Becoming friends. Working through my ED problems. Meeting each other's friends. Starting a relationship. Breaking up. Experimenting with Karezza and non-orgasm directed sex. Falling in love. Relating. Realising we needed to let each other go.

It's so strange to share an amazing 24 hours, tell each other how much we are in love, then kiss, hug, and walk away. I have many things I need to figure out. She said it would take her some time to process our relationship and her actions. We both agreed we are so much the better people for having known and shared our lives with one another. I love this woman more than I've ever loved before. What a beautiful woman. What an amazing year. I send my thanks to everyone in this community who has helped me soar from a porn addicted ED sufferer to touch the great heights of a love.

Comments

Thanks for sharing

It's hard to explain that women can use sex as a drug to hook partners, but it sure sounds like that's her "comfort zone." That's not a stable center for a relationship - heady as it is.

It's too bad she doesn't value that amazing communication and compatibility you two experience with each other. That can be rare, as you will see as you age. But it doesn't go well with the passion roller coaster, because the perception shifts and separations are even more unnerving and unsatisfactory.

But who's to say? It may not be the last chapter.

All the best!

Wow, intriqued, it has been

Wow, intriqued, it has been quite a year. Lots of triggers here for me, but I appreciate the way you've shared your story. I love your idea of a final date and I'm impressed at your strength to let go, I'm sure the geographical separation will also help in the coming months of reflection.

Thank-you for the osho quotes you've shared here, I think I'll post them to my own bedpost.

Zia]Wow, intriqued, it has

[quote=Zia]Wow, intriqued, it has been quite a year. Lots of triggers here for me, but I appreciate the way you've shared your story. I love your idea of a final date and I'm impressed at your strength to let go, I'm sure the geographical separation will also help in the coming months of reflection.[/quote]

Letting go was so hard for me; I'd been stalling for weeks. I thought things might change and my sex drive kept drawing me to this beautiful woman. Yet I knew it was necessary. She thanked me for being the brave one. I already miss her deeply.

Our last date really was a beautiful thing and I think it's amazing that it ended in that way. Talking to my friends it doesn't seem to match a normal relationship pattern. I find it hard to explain to others. "Why did she break up with you?", "Why are you saying goodbye if you are both in love?", "If she loves you she would want to be with you".

I don't want to be carrying any baggage into the next relationship but I can feel skepticism and disillusion towards love and relationships. I hate the idea that it's possible to find someone so compatible whom you share a deep intellectual, emotional, and sexual connection and yet it could be such a catastrophic failure. I have to view it as a learning experience. She told me I have changed so much for the better since she's known me. The only way is to take the positives and cast aside the negatives.

I find the idea of the dating world very odd. I am so aware of the feeling of going back to square one. Loosing all the depth I had in my love life and going through that process again with a stranger. All those risks, all that vulnerability. I read that breakups are harder for men than woman as men don't have the same intimate network and they don't receive touch in the way a woman does with her female friends. I completely feel this.

[quote=Zia]Thank-you for the osho quotes you've shared here, I think I'll post them to my own bedpost.[/quote]

Thank you for your original Osho quote. That short passage made everything so clear. I really love his work and teachings.

intriqued wrote:

[quote=intriqued]I don't want to be carrying any baggage into the next relationship but I can feel skepticism and disillusion towards love and relationships. I hate the idea that it's possible to find someone so compatible whom you share a deep intellectual, emotional, and sexual connection and yet it could be such a catastrophic failure...I find the idea of the dating world very odd. I am so aware of the feeling of going back to square one. Loosing all the depth I had in my love life and going through that process again with a stranger. All those risks, all that vulnerability. I read that breakups are harder for men than woman... [/quote]

When I've been the one to separate, I'd usually done the work before we broke up, so the post separation was not so hard. I think that's often the case with women whereas men process more afterwards. At least that's the generalization I've read about regarding the challenge of break-ups for women vs men. I can say however that It has taken me months and months to work through the relationships where I've been in love and ready for a relationship and they haven't been able to commit to that (the way I want them to).

I've just finally reached that point where I can honestly accept that the the last relationship I was in really helped me move to a higher relationship AND that that 'higher relationship' I'm now ready for may or may not be with him and that it's absolutely okay. I now feel very hopeful about my next relationship. I feel I'm in a higher place, I'm not going to be starting from square one. You won't either. I have an experience and a confidence and a commitment to this 'higher relationship' that I didn't have before and I know it will be that much easier to recognize if/when the next person I'm with will be ready for that or help them to get there if they want that (from the beginning, without triggering their commitment fears as I have so many times in the past). So far my interactions with other men have been so much deeper and meaningful and I'm much more clear in how I share my sexual energy with them in the exploratory 'getting to know you' phase.

I'm off now to bring a copy of Cupid to a friend who I've been connecting with more deeply lately, and who I'm feeling attracted to, but is not quite ready for a relationship. He's intrigued by where I'm at and thus requested to read Cupid, so we'll see. I'm mostly looking forward to having someone I know (vs talking with people on this site) actually read and discuss this material with me.

Zia wrote:

[quote=Zia]I can say however that It has taken me months and months to work through the relationships where I've been in love and ready for a relationship and they haven't been able to commit to that (the way I want them to).[/quote]

I can see that. It makes me chuckle how our whole relationship has been a flip on typical gender roles. Initially she was cumming too soon and I was having problems reaching orgasm. Then she breaks it off due to commitment issues. Feminism and the porn industry!

[quote=Zia]I now feel very hopeful about my next relationship. I feel I'm in a higher place, I'm not going to be starting from square one. You won't either. I have an experience and a confidence and a commitment to this 'higher relationship' that I didn't have before and I know it will be that much easier to recognize if/when the next person I'm with will be ready for that or help them to get there if they want that (from the beginning, without triggering their commitment fears as I have so many times in the past).[/quote]

That's great to hear, thanks.

[quote=Zia]I'm off now to bring a copy of Cupid to a friend who I've been connecting with more deeply lately, and who I'm feeling attracted to, but is not quite ready for a relationship. He's intrigued by where I'm at and thus requested to read Cupid, so we'll see. I'm mostly looking forward to having someone I know (vs talking with people on this site) actually read and discuss this material with me.[/quote]

Definitely. Talking with my ex girlfriend about Cupid was such a liberating conversation. I'd read the book twice and felt like I had acquired this knowledge and insight but had no-one to discuss it with. It was fascinating having such an honest conversation about our sex lives. I'm attracted to open minded woman. I know I will have this discussion with future lovers and anyone who casts it aside is probably not for me. What I really liked is that my ex then handed the book onto her best female friend. They now hug each other for 5 minutes a day for an oxytocin release. Hearing that really made me happy.