Post breakup thoughts, Karezza pitch, and abstinence

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It's coming up to two weeks since I was rather unexpectedly dumped by my lady. I've been through the whole raft of breakup emotions; denial, anger, depression, and now I think acceptance. It's led to lots of reflection, research and reading.

Cupid's Poisoned Arrow - round two

I re-read Marnia's book 'Cupid's Poisoned Arrow'. My first reading was during my reboot. I was fascinated by the science and ideas but there was friction in fully accepting or more accurately sharing with my partner and putting non-orgasmic sex into practice. When I first met her I was suffering with porn induced ED and had just started a reboot. It was quite a hurdle to opening talk with her about this and a step too far to suggest that when I was fixed we should try not having any orgasms.

This time round I was alarmed by the logic and precision with which the science matched the patterns in my own relationship. Both occasions she broke up with me had been preceded by our hottest sex sessions. It also explained why our initial sexual encounters together were so 'loving'. Because I wasn't allowed to ejaculated (no PMO) they were very tender with lots of touching and kissing. If my memory serves me well I felt very peaceful during this time as oppose to my horniness, tiredness, and agitation whilst having orgasmic sex with her.

I dropped the book off at her house along with a short letter containing my thoughts. I told her I would be in touch in a week when I am back in town. Irrelevant of what happens between us I am interested to hear her thoughts on our experience given the insights of this book. I then have a little over one month before going off on another travel adventure for 2 months. My ideal scenario is that she is prepared to experiment and we try Karezza for two to three weeks and then have a week of hot and heavy sex to comare. I'd like to think that she would be open minded enough to give it a go. After all she still wants for us to be lovers. It was the 'relationship' rather than me that caused her the problems.

No MO - round two

I have abstained from MO since the breakup. Although I wasn't using porn (now given up for 9 months+ ) I found myself slipping back into the habit of daily, sometimes twice a day orgasms. We would have sex many times in a night and orgasm 3 times was no uncommon for me. As such my libido was raging. I was actually finding it difficult to concentrate at work. My mind has been a bit all over the place due to the break up emotions but it's nice to remove orgasm and sexual desire from my mind at the moment. I will get to one month as a minimum. I really never thought I would be consciously deciding to abstain from O. That reboot really taught me a lot about my sexuality.

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Believe me...

no one sets out to learn this. Wink We'd all like to believe "the more orgasms the better!" myth.  But it can be surprisingly delicious to actually stay in love and still have sex a lot. enlightened

Keep us posted. It'll be really interesting to see if she gets curious.

Sorry for what you've been going through. Believe me...I went through it a lot. Cupid was a very short version of the full saga. broken heart

PS

I switched your topic to "karezza," as I thought it would be of interest to the karezza visitors, who might otherwise miss it.

Thanks

Yeah I wasn't sure whether to file into under "karezza". I'll certainly post my story over the next month or so. I really do hope she is intrigued enough to experiment.

Good for you for abstaining

Good for you for abstaining from MO now during the break-up. The first month after 'separating' from the last person I was with was horrible, I think worse because I was masturbating so much. Once I stopped, it became a lot easier to accept. Still VERY hard, but easier, or I was getting to deeper levels of how not being with him was affecting me and not just stuck in missing the sex.

What I miss

[quote=Zia]Good for you for abstaining from MO now during the break-up. The first month after 'separating' from the last person I was with was horrible, I think worse because I was masturbating so much. Once I stopped, it became a lot easier to accept. Still VERY hard, but easier, or I was getting to deeper levels of how not being with him was affecting me and not just stuck in missing the sex.[/quote]

When we broke up I was anxious because my regular supply of sex had now been cut off. In fact the first thing I did after she left was masturbate. She asked me "Is that really how you are going to process this information?". I told her no, but I was just very horny and my body had become accustomed to O whenever I saw her.

Over the next week I worked my way through my phone to see who I could hook up with. But then I realised it is not the sex that I miss, defined as hot / heavy orgasmic sex, it is her touch and femininity. There is a real sense of longing for her energy and nurturing qualities. My bonding program rather than my reproductive program has taken a blow.

She told me how her attitude to sex had changed. She never appreciated how much trust and caring mattered. Whilst together she had cut back on masturbation and stopped using her vibrator, which in the past she had a somewhat addictive relationship with. Abstaining definitely brings clarity and as you say gets you thinking past just missing sex. I really hope she is willing to try an alternate approach to sex.

great insights

always valuable to read your experiences and insights. Thank you. The insight about the bonding program -- this is so huge. It is something most guys don't ever get, in my experience. I certainly never did. And it's much bigger than sex. It really is what love is about. I am sorry for your loss but thank you for sharing your experiences.