She had a wobble at the start of the month, funnily enough two days after my post about
A few weeks ago we took a day off work mid week and had steamy physical sex all day long. I burnt her out and she didn't want to have sex for a few days afterwards. She said her pussy was simply saying no more. She became distant after this day.
As of last week my relationship is over. I see a clear pattern. Around both occasions she had been in the depths of consoling and helping two close girlfriends (in a non sexual way) about the break up or imminent break up off their relationships. She sees the pain that a relationship can bring. We have hot steamy sex. Next she is ending the relationship.
She tells me I've been one of the best things, I've made her feel more beautiful and feminine than ever before, and that she can't imagine not having me in her life. She told me our experience (me going through a reboot and so not having penetrative sex for the first 3+ months of meeting) was like loosing her virginity again. This time in a positive meaningful way. It's changed her attitude to sex and for the first time she sees the importance of trust and caring for the person. It was a healing process for both of us.
But she said she doesn't love me and can't work out how to live within a relationship. She has never had one before. She gave it a shot and 7 months later thinks she is just not capable of giving herself to someone else. Emotional unavailability. Commitment Phobia. To me it seems like low self-esteem; as if she doesn't believe she deserves a fulfilling relationship.
She felt like she was now in the worse of positions. She knows the emptiness of casual meaning sex and yet can't seem to operate within a relationship.
We've never argued, never had a bad day together, always laughed, joked, played, challenged, flirted. We get on so well, and operated a policy of total honesty. We shared so much. We trust so much. She told me she couldn't imagine me not in her life. She still wants to be lovers. The sex was the best of her life. It's up to me if that happens.
We agreed to cut contact for a month. I really don't know how I feel. Something so good that doesn't work. My male logical mind struggles. Can I be friends? I fear not. I don't want her to be my friend. I want her to be my girlfriend. And I'm certainly not her sex toy.
From my readings here I knew about the fallout from orgasmic sex yet I didn't take it too seriously. I hadn't had sex for a long time (porn addiction) before meeting her so I was keen to catch up. Using the pull out method I never had an orgasm through intercourse, only oral sex. Initially I would have sex without orgasm, although towards the end that was uncommon. I'm wondering whether changes to our sex lives could solve the relationship problem.
A little of me has felt a weight lifted since the break-up. I feel quite alive and the feeling of having complete freedom again is strong. Maybe I really am not in a place to be in a relationship. Maybe her womanly insights allowed her to realise what I am now just grasping.
Should I be fighting for this? A lot of thinking and connecting with myself will take place over the next month. I've been masturbating regularly and my interactions with girls last night felt very testosterone and anger filled. I have decided to abstain from masturbation once again. A copy of Cupid's poisoned arrows will be hitting her front door.