She'd had a hard day and asked to see me. I always enjoy seeing her, and care deeply about her so my answer was "of course". After putting down the phone I started to wonder whether it was such a good idea. Should she be seeing me as the one to go for comfort now that our relationship is no more? She had indeed had a rough old day. Although I felt empathy it wasn't strong like it would of been when going out. Our lives aren't as closely intertwined. The facts themselves didn't trigger much emotion in me but I felt a strong need to comfort her.
In my room we started talking about the other night, our first attempt at Karezza. Whilst talking through her experience she took her clothes off, but not to seduce; she was soo deep in thought that it was almost unconscious. Think getting undressed for a bath rather than seducing a lover.
Sitting on top of me in just lacey panties she explained how it had completely shaken up her view on sex. She told me that sex for her is being 'fucked'. Being pounded. Submitting and taking it. But the other night was equal. It wasn't about dominance and submissive power struggles. She had never thought of sex in this way. She also wondered whether bonding based sex is what two casual lovers should be doing. I liked that comment because it showed she realised the power of non-orgasmic sex.
I took my clothes off and we kissed, cuddled, stroked. I remember putting my hand on her vagina on top of her panties. At first you could see her heating up but I just left it there for a minute or so as we tenderly kissed. My intent was not to make her horny, just to comfort. She later did a similar thing to my penis. I find it strange how clearly we read the intentions of touch. It's very subtle yet we seem to easily grasp the motivation.
We both took off our underwear and connected. Hardly moving, but deep inside. Earlier in the day I had been re-reading 'Tantric Sex for Men' and I finally understood what they meant by the penis growing and searching as if having a life of it's own; snake like. I felt her vagina responding, contracting and releasing, welcoming me in. When we used to have hot and heavy sex she would get so wet that I actually wouldn't feel much. This was different. I've never experienced her vagina so intimately.
We would kiss lots, cuddle, and shared these intense long gazes. I would smile at her and seeing her smile back filled me with joy. She was radiating femininity, she looked absolutely beautiful. I was overwhelmed by her. I asked her a couple of times if she was ok. Coming from orgasm, goal orientated sex, initially Karezza / Tantra seems to be missing a clear feedback loop. The first time she uttered a few words, another time there was just this intense look on her face and a nod. I remember myself replying with a nod when she asked me. I didn't seem to need words.
I remember this energy flowing around my body. A state of bliss. She gently asked me to 'fuck her slowly'. I stayed deep inside and we lightly moved our bodies. She got more excited but never pushed over the edge. She looked so goddamm cute. Afterwards she explained it was like a 20 minute orgasm without having an orgasm.
Her body was super sensitive afterwards, but not in the usual 'you can't touch me anymore because I am too turned on' whilst closing legs to show her pussy is now out of bounds way. It was just this energy shooting around her. Like an endorphin high. I felt the same and still feel it now, the morning after. Like my body feels alive and buzzing. It's so strange. I'm sitting here smiling. I feel like a little kid.
I would of liked to know how long we stayed connected for. I think 30 minutes but it could of been longer. I remarked that you could just stay like that for hours. She asked me 'Why did we never have sex like this before?'. I replied that I had never had sex with anyone like this.
Left hard, no need for orgasm
I left semi hard and we lay together. She asked me if I wanted to cum and I said, with completely honesty, that I didn't see the point or a need. I had finished sex in a state of complete relaxation. Ejaculation would just wear me out and leave me exhausted which didn't seem worth it for a 3 second high. Neither of us had an orgasm and both felt perfectly satisfied.
As we lay together our bodies buzzing we both looked at each other and said 'Wow", "What just happened?", "What was that?". It was like nothing I have experienced before. Transcendental.
An equal experience
Because neither person is dominant it becomes a mutual experience. She told me that even when I was on top towering over her it felt like we were equal in the experience. That's just the position we happened to be in at that moment. For me it felt great to leave aggression out of sex. I was relaxed instead of heated up.
I didn't have to worry about ejaculating. There is no performance. Normally it's a juggling act between stimulating her more whilst keeping myself for falling over the edge into orgasm; which marks the end of the experience for me. That takes a lot of concentration and thought. I also normally engage in fantasy talk. My tantra book explained that using fantasy in sex is moving the experience into your mind and out of the present moment. That makes total sense.
I thought staying so still would be boring. But It wasn't. Without a goal what do you do? Where do you go? You just are. I felt so present. My world was her. Connecting and being in this moment. Like a meditation.
One thing I miss is giving her oral sex. I love her taste and smell. I wonder if it is possible to incorporate it without heating her up...
My attraction to her has increased so much because of these experiences. I totally dig how open-minded she has been. The fact that she respected me enough to give this a go. I see my life as a grand learning experience. I'm a pragmatist. It's awesome that she is a part of this. That we are experimenting and learning together and from each other. She challenges me and my thinking. I hers. Mutual growth.
Neither of us know what's going on between us. Perhaps we shouldn't define and just live.