Last night, slow sex, stayed connected upwards of 1 hour. I like how we naturally flow into this type of sex. Just talking, comforting and touching and gradually becoming connected. Whereas orgasm driven sex the build up is fuelled by conflict, submission, dominance. Flirting with each other. Teasing and winding each other up until. Acting as if sex might not happen. Dirty talk. Until it all gets too much and we rip each other's cloths off in a frenzy.
When we connect in stillness she looks so beautiful to me. Radiant. So cute. We find ourselves telling each other these things 'Your beautiful', 'This feels like love'. I've never known her vagina so well. It contracts, my penis grows and shrinks as if searching. Her vagina is so welcoming and feels like a resting place.
She gave me a penis massage. I had read about this but wondered how she knew of it. She admitted she had been doing some reading on Tantra. That felt amazing. Touching my most sensitive area but not to overwhelm or heat up, just to comfort. At a level were we coud hold a normal conversation.
Is oral still possible?
We both said that we really miss performing oral on the other. It's an ego thing as we can see how much it pleases the other but also we both generally just love the sensation of giving oral. So I licked her but without a charge to my touch. I was breathing her in, smelling her scent, tasting her, and was still with her in my mouth. We stayed like this without her getting worked up for 10 minutes or so. She said it was a beautiful experience.
She then gave me oral but in a very soft and loving way. I remember lying down and staring at a candle flame burning on the other side of the room. My eyes went blurry and I became completely lost in the moment. All of a sudden I felt overwhelmed with a rush of energy that surged through my body.
I've read that Tantra can bring past emotions and trauma to the surface. I am starting to understand that. It's something about feeling so close to someone. A feeling of such vulnerability. Being so connected. Such a tight bond. It creates a safe space where deep feelings and scars are allowed to bubble up to the surface.
We connected again and lied in near stillness for another 30 minutes or more. So much cuddling and kissing, massaging. I realised we never really looked into each other's eyes during orgasm driven sex. She would often have her eyes closed or we would be in a position where I couldn't see her face. To gaze into her eyes for 10's of minutes. That's powerful in itself. She managed to avoid orgasm all night.
Seduced to orgasm
But before going to bed she said 'Would you like me to make you cum'. I was all of a sudden stuck between two mindsets. My body was screaming for a release. There was a strong urge. My rational mind was telling me I should avoid it. She then became really seductive and sexy 'I love the feel of you cumming in my mouth. I love pleasuring you and seeing you out of control'. I gave in and laid back as she gave me oral to orgasm. It felt amazing. A release after hours of stimulation feels so powerful, but a tantric failure. We cuddled afterwards and she was so sweet and tender. We fell asleep in each others arms.
The next morning we woke early and had sex. Again we went slow but we hit a point where she asked me to move a little faster. We got into a 69 position and then we stopped as we knew it was breaking the rules and heating each other too much. Back to slow sex.
I find my erections come and go with this style of sex. Sometimes I will stay hard in her for an hour when I get totally lost in the moment. Other times I will be soft and it won't be easy to get an erection as there is no obvious charging up stimulation. Other times I can be soft when entering and then go hard. I just go with the flow. I really don't see how this type of sex would be possible with a condom. Any thoughts on this?
I thought I was close to orgasm a couple of times. That happened when she was on top of me. Especially when she had her back to me (Reverse cow girl). I am not yet fully capable of judging whether it is an orgasm build up or just the additional sensitivity of this kind of sex. It's a new sensation to learn. An orgasm slipped out of her but it wasn't an overwhelming one. She said it felt very powerful but she was almost silent. She gave me orgasm again via oral.
Time for a bath
A few hours later we had a bath together. Lights out, candles. That felt amazing. We touched lots and she got on top of me but I couldn't get hard enough to connect. I guess because I had an orgasm not long before. I gave her soft oral and she had an orgasm. An hour later we go out had some tea and took a nap in each other's arms.
On waking I felt hungry for her body. That aggressive side had come back. We tried to have slow sex but we could both tell our hearts were not in it. I didn't spend anytime 'warning' her up and as a result she wasn't very wet and it wasn't possible for me to get fully into her. I had to perform oral to stimulate her enough for full entry. It still felt like her vagina was resisting me. She said it was odd. It was a stark contrast to still sex when we always comments on how wet she gets. I put her on all fours and fucked her more forcefully. Not with a normal level of aggression but we were not Tantra still. Oddly I found myself looking out of the window, looking at passers by, slightly detached from the experience.
Back to hot sex - pleasure for her less for me
She got on top and I started to 'bounce' her up and down. She had 4 or 5 orgasms in a row. Her whole body shuddering on top of me. They looked more sensual, fully body. I just love seeing her have pleasure like that. We had been trying to avoid orgasm and be Tantric but I just couldn't resist. I wanted to see her cum. She wanted to come. Because of our breakup it was a couple of months since she had had orgasmic sex. After orgasm we would go still and then start moving slowly and roll into her next one.
The 'sound' of sex was back; the bed creaking, our panting, the mattress noise, her squeals. I had forgotten how loud 'normal' sex is. I felt quite distant. I wasn't in the moment and my penis was not hard in the same way it is when we are still. I felt like my role had been taken away. I don't get the same pleasure to my penis when we are having sex like this. My pleasure comes from orgasm but that also marks the end of my experience. So it's like stalling for time whilst she can fully involve and immerse herself in the experience. I didn't orgasm.
17 hours of touching, 7 of those sex.
We lay together and she said she felt sated. There wasn't that feeling of closeness. She kind of clicked back into normal and got dressed. She became really silly as she normally does after stacked orgasms (chemical overload). We realised we had been constantly touching each other for the past 17 hours (sex, cuddling, sleeping, bath) and must of had sex for 7 of those hours. Crazy. Just totally adoring each others bodies.
During our first couple of Tantric 'sessions' she didn't have an orgasm. I'll be interested to hear her thoughts on how she feels over the next few days. Whether she picks up on any post orgasm hangover. Both of us totally see the benefits and how non-goal driven sex is so different and beautiful. But we are struggling to contain our urges. Today we totally failed in avoiding orgasm. When she was dressed and ready to leave I wanted her to give me oral to orgasm. I didn't ask or suggest but that's what I was thinking. My earlier orgasms and goal orientated sex left me hungry. Sex without orgasm leaves you energetic, relaxed, and satisfied. We both understand this on an intellectual level but it's hard to think of a sex life devoid of orgasm. Every time I orgasm I regret it after but in the moment it feels like the only thing I want to do.
A life without orgasm. Really?
What a decision to fully forgo orgasm. To think we will never have that pleasure ever again. That's one hell of a decision and commitment and I admire anyone who can do that. The main thing is that we both now understand the result of orgasm and I think that makes it easier to react accordingly. We understand the shift in perception and know not to look at each other as the problem. For me orgasm leaves me exhausted and more prone to vices. Her neurotic, confused, and overly introspective.
Relating not relationship
After reading 'Osho - Forget Relationships and learn how to Relate' we have both stopped thinking about a relationship and are just living in the moment, day to day. She asked jokingly if we 'fuck buddies' now. I told her I wanted to spend time outside of the bedroom, go on a date. She said she'd like that.
By chance we are both going to be in different countries at the same time on holidays. We have talked about meeting up in passing but I would love to just know that's going to happen. To know she wants that to happen as much as I do. However I guess that's fear driven thinking. A relationship locks someone in and guarantees you their time. If we both want it to happen we can make it.
She is away with her family on one of these trips. We will literally being staying down the road but it doesn't seem right for me to be introduced to them outside of a relationship. To tell the truth it scares me full stop. Why do I find commitment so hard?
I've fallen in love
I have realised I've fallen in love with her. In a way it's killing me. That desire to be with this woman so fully. I've decided it's time to tell her. I've felt my feelings growing for a while. I felt on the verge of falling in love a few months ago, before our breakup. I've come close to telling her before. It's been long enough now that I am sure. It's time to be courageous. That requires such vulnerability. I don't know what her reaction will be. Might it spell the end of us? Can we go day by day without a relationship if there is love in the air?