Third attempt at Kareeza / Tantra - Slipped up! Love and relating.

Submitted by intriqued on
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Last night, slow sex, stayed connected upwards of 1 hour. I like how we naturally flow into this type of sex. Just talking, comforting and touching and gradually becoming connected. Whereas orgasm driven sex the build up is fuelled by conflict, submission, dominance. Flirting with each other. Teasing and winding each other up until. Acting as if sex might not happen. Dirty talk. Until it all gets too much and we rip each other's cloths off in a frenzy.

When we connect in stillness she looks so beautiful to me. Radiant. So cute. We find ourselves telling each other these things 'Your beautiful', 'This feels like love'. I've never known her vagina so well. It contracts, my penis grows and shrinks as if searching. Her vagina is so welcoming and feels like a resting place.

She gave me a penis massage. I had read about this but wondered how she knew of it. She admitted she had been doing some reading on Tantra. That felt amazing. Touching my most sensitive area but not to overwhelm or heat up, just to comfort. At a level were we coud hold a normal conversation.

Is oral still possible?

We both said that we really miss performing oral on the other. It's an ego thing as we can see how much it pleases the other but also we both generally just love the sensation of giving oral. So I licked her but without a charge to my touch. I was breathing her in, smelling her scent, tasting her, and was still with her in my mouth. We stayed like this without her getting worked up for 10 minutes or so. She said it was a beautiful experience.

She then gave me oral but in a very soft and loving way. I remember lying down and staring at a candle flame burning on the other side of the room. My eyes went blurry and I became completely lost in the moment. All of a sudden I felt overwhelmed with a rush of energy that surged through my body.

I've read that Tantra can bring past emotions and trauma to the surface. I am starting to understand that. It's something about feeling so close to someone. A feeling of such vulnerability. Being so connected. Such a tight bond. It creates a safe space where deep feelings and scars are allowed to bubble up to the surface.

We connected again and lied in near stillness for another 30 minutes or more. So much cuddling and kissing, massaging. I realised we never really looked into each other's eyes during orgasm driven sex. She would often have her eyes closed or we would be in a position where I couldn't see her face. To gaze into her eyes for 10's of minutes. That's powerful in itself. She managed to avoid orgasm all night.

Seduced to orgasm

But before going to bed she said 'Would you like me to make you cum'. I was all of a sudden stuck between two mindsets. My body was screaming for a release. There was a strong urge. My rational mind was telling me I should avoid it. She then became really seductive and sexy 'I love the feel of you cumming in my mouth. I love pleasuring you and seeing you out of control'. I gave in and laid back as she gave me oral to orgasm. It felt amazing. A release after hours of stimulation feels so powerful, but a tantric failure. We cuddled afterwards and she was so sweet and tender. We fell asleep in each others arms.

Morning sex

The next morning we woke early and had sex. Again we went slow but we hit a point where she asked me to move a little faster. We got into a 69 position and then we stopped as we knew it was breaking the rules and heating each other too much. Back to slow sex.

I find my erections come and go with this style of sex. Sometimes I will stay hard in her for an hour when I get totally lost in the moment. Other times I will be soft and it won't be easy to get an erection as there is no obvious charging up stimulation. Other times I can be soft when entering and then go hard. I just go with the flow. I really don't see how this type of sex would be possible with a condom. Any thoughts on this?

I thought I was close to orgasm a couple of times. That happened when she was on top of me. Especially when she had her back to me (Reverse cow girl). I am not yet fully capable of judging whether it is an orgasm build up or just the additional sensitivity of this kind of sex. It's a new sensation to learn. An orgasm slipped out of her but it wasn't an overwhelming one. She said it felt very powerful but she was almost silent. She gave me orgasm again via oral.

Time for a bath

A few hours later we had a bath together. Lights out, candles. That felt amazing. We touched lots and she got on top of me but I couldn't get hard enough to connect. I guess because I had an orgasm not long before. I gave her soft oral and she had an orgasm. An hour later we go out had some tea and took a nap in each other's arms.

On waking I felt hungry for her body. That aggressive side had come back. We tried to have slow sex but we could both tell our hearts were not in it. I didn't spend anytime 'warning' her up and as a result she wasn't very wet and it wasn't possible for me to get fully into her. I had to perform oral to stimulate her enough for full entry. It still felt like her vagina was resisting me. She said it was odd. It was a stark contrast to still sex when we always comments on how wet she gets. I put her on all fours and fucked her more forcefully. Not with a normal level of aggression but we were not Tantra still. Oddly I found myself looking out of the window, looking at passers by, slightly detached from the experience.

Back to hot sex - pleasure for her less for me

She got on top and I started to 'bounce' her up and down. She had 4 or 5 orgasms in a row. Her whole body shuddering on top of me. They looked more sensual, fully body. I just love seeing her have pleasure like that. We had been trying to avoid orgasm and be Tantric but I just couldn't resist. I wanted to see her cum. She wanted to come. Because of our breakup it was a couple of months since she had had orgasmic sex. After orgasm we would go still and then start moving slowly and roll into her next one.

The 'sound' of sex was back; the bed creaking, our panting, the mattress noise, her squeals. I had forgotten how loud 'normal' sex is. I felt quite distant. I wasn't in the moment and my penis was not hard in the same way it is when we are still. I felt like my role had been taken away. I don't get the same pleasure to my penis when we are having sex like this. My pleasure comes from orgasm but that also marks the end of my experience. So it's like stalling for time whilst she can fully involve and immerse herself in the experience. I didn't orgasm.

17 hours of touching, 7 of those sex.

We lay together and she said she felt sated. There wasn't that feeling of closeness. She kind of clicked back into normal and got dressed. She became really silly as she normally does after stacked orgasms (chemical overload). We realised we had been constantly touching each other for the past 17 hours (sex, cuddling, sleeping, bath) and must of had sex for 7 of those hours. Crazy. Just totally adoring each others bodies.

During our first couple of Tantric 'sessions' she didn't have an orgasm. I'll be interested to hear her thoughts on how she feels over the next few days. Whether she picks up on any post orgasm hangover. Both of us totally see the benefits and how non-goal driven sex is so different and beautiful. But we are struggling to contain our urges. Today we totally failed in avoiding orgasm. When she was dressed and ready to leave I wanted her to give me oral to orgasm. I didn't ask or suggest but that's what I was thinking. My earlier orgasms and goal orientated sex left me hungry. Sex without orgasm leaves you energetic, relaxed, and satisfied. We both understand this on an intellectual level but it's hard to think of a sex life devoid of orgasm. Every time I orgasm I regret it after but in the moment it feels like the only thing I want to do.

A life without orgasm. Really?

What a decision to fully forgo orgasm. To think we will never have that pleasure ever again. That's one hell of a decision and commitment and I admire anyone who can do that. The main thing is that we both now understand the result of orgasm and I think that makes it easier to react accordingly. We understand the shift in perception and know not to look at each other as the problem. For me orgasm leaves me exhausted and more prone to vices. Her neurotic, confused, and overly introspective.

Relating not relationship

After reading 'Osho - Forget Relationships and learn how to Relate' we have both stopped thinking about a relationship and are just living in the moment, day to day. She asked jokingly if we 'fuck buddies' now. I told her I wanted to spend time outside of the bedroom, go on a date. She said she'd like that.

By chance we are both going to be in different countries at the same time on holidays. We have talked about meeting up in passing but I would love to just know that's going to happen. To know she wants that to happen as much as I do. However I guess that's fear driven thinking. A relationship locks someone in and guarantees you their time. If we both want it to happen we can make it.

She is away with her family on one of these trips. We will literally being staying down the road but it doesn't seem right for me to be introduced to them outside of a relationship. To tell the truth it scares me full stop. Why do I find commitment so hard?

I've fallen in love

I have realised I've fallen in love with her. In a way it's killing me. That desire to be with this woman so fully. I've decided it's time to tell her. I've felt my feelings growing for a while. I felt on the verge of falling in love a few months ago, before our breakup. I've come close to telling her before. It's been long enough now that I am sure. It's time to be courageous. That requires such vulnerability. I don't know what her reaction will be. Might it spell the end of us? Can we go day by day without a relationship if there is love in the air?

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neurochemistry rears it's attractive head :)

I enjoy reading your account. I would say it borders on a trigger for me so maybe I won't read any more.

This is probably the type of sex that really leads to bigtime brain balance shifts, sadly.

Is it really hard to be non-orgasmic? Probably yes, very much so at first. But after awhile, no it's not for me. I haven't had an orgasm in at least 3 months and don't miss it. The key is that as you get past the last orgasm yes you are horny in a way, but you don't *need* that orgasm the way you do right after the last one. The chaser effect I guess.

I can't say that everything's rosy this side of Karezza, as it's not 100%. My partner and I are far apart but I don't really find that I'm tempted to have an orgasm and I think I'm a lot better for it. For her, I can tell you she's a lot more stable and less moody than ever before and she's having an orgasm about once a month.

I would say that ONE reason you find commitment hard is orgasms cause that. That's the Coolidge Effect, my friend.

 

Orgasm

Never have that pleasure again? That sounds a bit fatalistic, intriqued!

My lover and I practice karezza/tantra every time we are together (hours and hours each weekend), but guess what~~we have orgasm sometimes! We don't try for them, but sometimes they happen. And those are the best.

Karezza isn't an "all or nothing" thing, intriqued! Just practice it and let what happens, happen. By practicing it, I mean stay in the moment, don't think ahead to orgasm. You may have one...you may not! That's the beauty of it. But either way, it's never an experience that is lacking in *anything*~~you don't need an orgasm for pleasure and I think you know that.

Your girlfriend can have plenty of blissful orgasms and you can still get the satisfaction of feeling her pleasure and you don't have to bounce around and make a lot of noise on your bed for that to happen, ha! Through conventional sex, she is losing her energy and becoming unbalanced. Please realize your desire to see her having orgasms is costing her a lot in terms of neurochemistry and energy balance. The day I finally stood up for myself and said "no more" was the best day of my life. It's very empowering for a woman to take possession of her thoughts and what happens to her body.

I'm just trying to reassure you it's not the end of ecstatic pleasure, in fact, you haven't even come close to the feelings you will eventually experience. (but you've got to stop numbing yourselves with conventional sex in order to get there)

So are you saying that orgasm

So are you saying that orgasm will cause person to lose control and energy. Mabe that is why I feel my ex has total control of my thoughts feelings when i cum or even when he cums and I swallow. it still think much of it has to do with my husband not being in to sex and my meds

The idea of consciously

The idea of consciously removing orgasm from the mix is not to take away pleasure but to create space for a deeper pleasure to emerge. Orgasm keeps one cycling in a build up and the release loop. For a man to be fully and deeply received by the woman goes far beyond the pleasure of orgasm. For a woman to have a man fully present in the moment with her allows her to open up to a place that orgasm will never compare to. Orgasm, as toe curling pleasurable that it is, keeps the experience from dropping down into this other level. Although it sounds this way, I am not saying this is better. In talking about making love without orgasm it can easily come off this way, which is not my message. What I will say, is that karezza style lovemaking is more sustainable over the long run. Vibrant, alive sexual relationships are very rare in long term partnerships. Karezza is a practical way to create an enviornment where this will happen. My wife and I have been together for 29 years and our sex life is more alive, fufilling, and more fequent than it has ever been. For us pulling orgasm out of the mix was the key to creating this reality for us.

On a side note, we too have orgasms every once in a while. Like Rachel, they are unintentional for us. No worries though, sometimes they sneak up on you. I think of it like surfing, I'm sure the best surfers in the world find themselves in the water every now and then. Just get up and catch the next wave.

I've been pouring through

I've been pouring through Diana Richardson's book. I think I love this perspective the most: "the time afterward is your teacher...By keeping an eye on your postcoital states, both of you will get insights into the genuine goodness of sex and what leads you where....The inquiry becomes, 'How is sex able to spread its benefit to every moment of my life, every day, in and out of bed? How do I get the best out of sex as a human being, not just a human doing?"