Day 44; Age 33: Still going. Stress though.

James2568's picture
Submitted by James2568 on
Printer-friendly version

Today I woke up feeling really good. I don't know why. I felt really refreshed, like I had a great night of sleep. It almost felt like waking up on Saturday morning when you are about 9 years old, and wanting to watch cartoons. Maybe I'm just weird. Ha ha. I thought to myself, "today is going to be an up day" which was good because I am having a rough couple weeks. I will say that I felt pretty good today. The only thing is that this is probably the busiest two weeks of the semester, so I'm under a lot of stress. I think if it wasn't for that, I would have been in an even better mood.

A few other side symptoms. I have been having more crazy dreams. I even dreamed of my ex for a couple of nights which is a little strange. And then I dreamed of a other strange things that I don't even remember right now. I kinda wonder if using porn repressed a lot of memories and emotions that are coming up now in dreams. It's almost like my mind is trying to deal with stuff. I don't know if that makes sense or not. One thing I think is for sure; these dreams are a result of the reboot. They just seem too... whacky and vivid to not be the result of something going on in my mind. I'm kind curious about how I will sleep tonight. It took me a while to get to sleep last night. I think this is part of the cycle of healing.

I'm also still getting fantasies. But there are some things about these fantasies that aren't so bad. One is that they are changing. My fantasies now are probably 90% about women I have seen out in the world, at school, etc. I don't really fantasize about porn hardly at all. And when the thought of a porn scene I have seen enters my mind, I'm more vigilant about trying to cut it out and focus on something else. Also, I think my fantasies are getting more realistic. In one today, I was just basically fantasizing about asking a girl to have sex. Or I'm fantasizing about situations that might lead to sex with real women. For example, I was thinking about being on a camping trip with a group of people and telling a cute girl she should spend the night in my tent with me. =) Kinda dumb, but this whole reboot thing is crazy in general. Also, when I do fantasize, I get very healthy, hard erections. They feel very full and potent. I think one of the biggest reasons I have a hard time with fantasy is that I think if I had an opportunity, I wouldn't have a problem with ED. That is a frustrating thing to me. I really just anxious to try it out with a real woman.

This is not to say that my fantasies are all that innocent. None of them involve any violence or anything unusual, but many of them do involve oral sex or regular sex. I'm sure that because I'm a guy and I have a sexual appetite (wasn't sure for a while there. ha ha.) that I will continue to have fantasies for life. I'm wondering if they will eventually spread out more, and if I will be able to stop thinking about sex as much as I do. I don't know if this is something I need to practice at, or if it is something that will be a natural side affect of quitting PMO.

Tomorrow is my halfway mark to 90 days. If I can, I'll try post something good. Fitting it should fall on Valentine's Day. I'm actually happy I don't have to worry about that this year! Ha ha.

Oh, one last thing. I have been taking fish oil omega 3 supplements twice a day for like 4 days now. I think that might be helping me. Not sure though.

Hang in there guys! It does get better if you just don't give in. You'll really feel the process working by the halfway mark.


about fantasies

I think it is possible that fantasies diminish and change to the point where we aren't fantasizing about having sex with different people.

Mine have moved to the point where many of them do not involve sex acts at all and most of them involve my partner. It is very different because I'm not constantly seeing women and picturing sexual acts with them anymore. My goal is for the fantasies to leave entirely as I think that is far better.

It's like the sex we have now. We used to use fantasy with each other to turn each other on. I said to my wife recently, we had sex but not much real intimacy. We were getting ourselves off using the other person. Now, with sex we have there is a strong connection and it is getting much bettter. Putting the intimacy back into sex is all due to REMOVING the fantasy from sex!

Because when we're into our fantasy we aren't present. We're off in dreamland and how can we be in two places at once?

Sounds like

you're healing rapidly. The fact that guys' fantasies change shows that our brains and sexual tastes truly are plastic. Kinda wild. We really can't trust our genitals to tell us what we like when our brains are out of balance.