It's day 46, and I'm still going strong. I'm working on a brief like a mad man so this is going to be short.
Something I have noticed in the past day or two is a feeling of regret. I'm starting to understand just how much an imbalance in brain chemistry has affected my life for almost 20 years. As a result, I feel regret. I think I missed out on a lot of opportunities to have real, meaningful relationships in life because of this addiction. Don't get me wrong, I'm not totally down in the dumps. I'm very happy that I'm finally doing something about it. But there is this slight, nagging feeling of regret; and it is growing. It's a mixed emotion. There is a sense of guilt on the one hand for being so selfish. On the other hand, I look back at my situation when I was first exposed to pornography, and I don't think it was my fault. I was a 13 year old kid, and I saw something that I shouldn't have seen. I was also going through a lot at the time that was more influential on my life than I thought. Puberty, obviously, but I was also dealing with being a kid who had spent 13 years as an only child to single mother, trying to integrate into a step-family where I was seriously outnumbered. I'm not the kind of person who blames all of my problems on my childhood. But looking back, I can see how easy it was for the pornography beast to get its hooks into me. As it is right now, I'm feeling happy that I'm doing something about it, and I'm looking forward to a life free from enslavement. However, I'm starting to think that that little voice that whispers "what might have been?" isn't going anywhere for a while. I guess that's part of the price.
Well, back to work I hope you are staying strong in your fight. Thanks for reading.