Day 46; Age 33: Feeling good, but something...

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Submitted by James2568 on
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It's day 46, and I'm still going strong. I'm working on a brief like a mad man so this is going to be short.

Something I have noticed in the past day or two is a feeling of regret. I'm starting to understand just how much an imbalance in brain chemistry has affected my life for almost 20 years. As a result, I feel regret. I think I missed out on a lot of opportunities to have real, meaningful relationships in life because of this addiction. Don't get me wrong, I'm not totally down in the dumps. I'm very happy that I'm finally doing something about it. But there is this slight, nagging feeling of regret; and it is growing. It's a mixed emotion. There is a sense of guilt on the one hand for being so selfish. On the other hand, I look back at my situation when I was first exposed to pornography, and I don't think it was my fault. I was a 13 year old kid, and I saw something that I shouldn't have seen. I was also going through a lot at the time that was more influential on my life than I thought. Puberty, obviously, but I was also dealing with being a kid who had spent 13 years as an only child to single mother, trying to integrate into a step-family where I was seriously outnumbered. I'm not the kind of person who blames all of my problems on my childhood. But looking back, I can see how easy it was for the pornography beast to get its hooks into me. As it is right now, I'm feeling happy that I'm doing something about it, and I'm looking forward to a life free from enslavement. However, I'm starting to think that that little voice that whispers "what might have been?" isn't going anywhere for a while. I guess that's part of the price.

Well, back to work I hope you are staying strong in your fight. Thanks for reading.

Comments

I had a lot of the same

I had a lot of the same feelings recently ( im at day 36). In my opinion, I think these thoughts show you how the brain is changing so its a good thing. Before you never thought about the missed opportunities because you were so satisfied PMOing. Since you have given PMo up your brain probably has started to change; your brain is starting to look for actual relationships and now realizes that you could have had some but you missed out. The fact that you care now shows how your perception is beginning to change. Since we are both around the midway point and had the same feelings I figured that this might be the case. Who knows for sure tho...

Also, i bet that voice will go away once you make present relationships. Then you won't be worrying about the past.

That reminds me a lot of

That reminds me a lot of thinking I had while in that phase. It seems like your entire life is being revealed. The things you missed. It's not easy, but like need hops said-I would be encouraged to actually feel those things. Keep at it, the most important thing is that you are feeling.

I can relate

It's a bummer, knowing you can't get that time back. But isn't it fantastic to realize you can do something about it? That you can heal and change? For a long time I felt doomed. What a relief to realize it's not a permanent thing.

And about regrets, every time I catch myself moping about what coulda been, I always think of Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite. If you haven't seen that movie, it's a good time. And if you have, I'll always tell myself this..."If Coach woulda put me in in the fourth quarter we woulda been state champs for sure."