Update

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Submitted by Jesse on
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Continued from http://www.reuniting.info/blogs/emerson/family-guy-episode-cuddling

I’ve still been hanging around – just haven’t posted in a while. Love this site.

Despite my best efforts over the last couple of years, Christine cannot (or will not) give me what I think I need from our relationship. I won’t go thru the details that are documented ad nauseam on my blog. I really like Christine. Sometimes, I even think I still love her. I don’t want to do anything to hurt her. I hate to see her cry. Besides, I’m a man of my word, and I promised …

So, we have reached a place that is working for us. I treat her like a goddess. I know pretty well by now what she wants in every area of her life, and I do my best to provide it to her. Thanks to meditation, I have learned to give without intent or expectation. More difficult is to do so without anger or resentment. I have learned to receive my pleasure from giving.

But I need more. What makes this work for me is to be polyamorous – to have (non-sexual) relationships of various degrees with multiple women. All with the knowledge of Christine. So I have been fortunate enough to assemble a company of other goddess to honor and serve. The most important ones:

Marianne is 70-something, divorced for 20 years and walks four miles every day at our gym. I join her for a couple of miles, a couple of times a week. She seems to enjoy my company. She has concluded that I am a non-traditional male, i.e., non-controlling. She is puzzled by men and likes to talk about the men in her life (current and ex-). I would like to get her views on how the concept karezza would work with people of our generation, but I am proceeding very cautiously – I don’t want her to think I am hitting on her. Our physical contact is limited to a high-five or fist-bump as we go our separate ways. I am honored to be in her presence.

Elizabeth is my yoga/meditation teacher. She has been vital in guiding me along a path to deeper meditation. Our classes are small – usually three or four students. As part of our concluding savasana, she usually gives each student a brief shoulder release – always thrilled at her touch, even for a few seconds. The yoga studio is a very special place. It is shared with a non-profit foundation focused on encouraging and empowering women globally and locally. It is housed in a wonderful old home, which I have adopted as the unofficial groundskeeper.

Paula is my barber. I’ve been going to her for ten or twelve years, ever since she started in this male-dominated profession. When I first saw her, I thought, “Get my hair cut by a young, attractive woman, or a stinky old guy? It’s a no-brainer.” So I have stayed with her, as she has changed shops three times. Paula is a devout Christian, her passion is belly dancing and she is a fairy-tale enthusiast. She thinks yoga is from the devil. We have some long, interesting discussions; to the displeasure of the guys who are waiting in line for a haircut. So I see her once every four or five weeks, but I always get a hug a Christmas. She is a blessing.

I am blessed by many earthly goddesses. And of course our cyber-goddesses: Marnia, Rachel, hotspring, Quizure and SnowyOwl.

So that’s how we’re working things out. It’s a little crazy and not what I would have chosen.

The spirit in me is grateful to be in the presence of the spirit in you.

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hi Jesse

May I be blunt. Are you okay with no sex?

I've read your past blog posts a good bit. It seems you've been through the wringer with your present relationship. I can't speak for other people but I personally wouldn't stay monogamous in that situation.

Just wondering. Glad you're posting again.

 

Jesse

Jesse, so good to hear from you, although I was hoping for better news on the karezza front~~

At this point, if you asked her about taking on an outside sexual relationship, would she care? If nothing else, it might cause her to wake up?

I hope you can find some loving touch somewhere~~

Dear Rachel,

No, just the mention would devastate her. She is very fragile and insecure. And it would be too similar to the event in her family history that is the root of her insecurity. I am in a good place right now and I worked very hard to get here, under the loving guidance of some very dear people. I've purged a lot of craving and delusion; and I'm not seeking an outside sexual relationship. And she is quite content with the way things are.

Okay~

The only reason I asked is because you said "no" when Emerson asked you if you were okay with no sex~~but I guess you really are okay without sex~~I'm glad you've found a good place for your heart to live. I hope your wife knows how much you love her~~

Aww Rachel,

Now you’re going to make me think this through. I hate it when that happens.

Q. Are you okay with no sex?
A. No.

Q. Do you think your wife will ever have sex with you again?
A. No.

Q. Are you seeking an outside sexual relationship?
A. No.

Q. Do you think you will ever have sex with a woman again in your whole life?
A. Don’t want to think about it.

Q. Are you conflicted?
A. Yes.

Q. Are you crazy?
A. Maybe. Probably.

Q. Do you get a lot of pleasure from giving your wife pleasure?
A. Yes.

Q. What kind of pleasure do you give her?
A. Sensual massage. But no touching down there.

Q. Is it as good for you as sex?
A. When I really get into it, it is very similar to karezza experiences described by others on this site. But still comes up short.

Q. Do your relationships with other women help make you feel complete?
A. Yes.

Q. Why.
A. I don’t know. Perhaps these relationships help affirm my masculinity. Maybe they somehow help me know that at least I am capable of having sex.

Q. Are you really “in a good place” or are you just faking it?
A. It has taken a lot of focused meditation to reduce greed (craving, lust) and delusion (pornography and fantasy.) To rewire my brain. I am in a much better place than I was two years ago (before CPA) and six months ago (before serious meditation began), but I still have a lot of work to do. I believe I am slowly moving to an even better place.

Q. Please wrap up this thread by describing your “good place.”
A. My marriage is intact, I understand better why I prefer the company of women, I’m learning to be OK with no sex, and I get to live with a very happy woman.

Jesse

I admire your honesty~~and I hope you can find a way to share intimacy with your wife...eventually she may come around. Hope so.

Thank you for your update, Jesse.

I especially appreciate that you're aware of and have changed your relationship to the powerful energies of craving and lust, pornography and fantasy. This is no mean feat. I am very happy for you.

I am also happy that you have so many women in your life, including your wife, whom you can turn to for friendship and probably energy balancing as well. I think that it is likely that energy balancing happens even in casual contact, to say nothing of the more intimate relationships that you have with the four primary women in your life.

Wisdom

I am no expert on Buddhism nor Eastern meditation practices, but it sounds like you have developed the ability to let go of earthly desires, which Buddishim sees as the source of our unhappiness. And we're not talking the traditional Christian "sinful" desires, like lust, gluttony or power, but even the craving for recognition from our peers or constant unconditional love from our family. That is a valuable gift to have, since it has helped you approach your wife with kindness and unselfish service. That's impressive.
But I'm even happier that you have four "real" women in your life with whom you can spend time and fellowship in real space. Cyberspace is amazing--if I had had the internet in the 1980s, I would not have felt like such a lonely teenaged weirdo stuck in the world of my school and neighborhood. Still, I feel that I need to get off the computer and interact with real people, and I am glad that you are able to do that and get the attention and conversation you need

enlightenmentgirl wrote:

[quote=enlightenmentgirl] But I'm even happier that you have four "real" women in your life with whom you can spend time and fellowship in real space. Cyberspace is amazing... Still, I feel that I need to get off the computer and interact with real people, and I am glad that you are able to do that and get the attention and conversation you need[/quote]

Cyberfriends are great and the best ones in the universe are on this site. But they're no match for real flesh and blood people, however brief and casual that contact is.