Haven't writtin here in a while. A lot of things happened. My girlfriend broke up with me 1,5 month ago :( I think in the end it was all due to my porn addiction. And perhaps not even porn, but my addictive behaviour in general. I haven't accomplished a single thing in two years that actually helped us move forward as a couple. I'm still in college, with the same marks I had two years ago since my mother passed away.
Since her passing away, I lost all energy to become a man. To force myself to go through the pain, it was easier to run away for it and flee into porn and internet. This had been too much stress on our relationship. My gf responded on this by taking on a mother role. In this way, it was even more easy to hide from the pain, and let someone else beam the motivation in me. I'm guessing I don't have ADD after all, I just lost all self discipline. Always giving in to emotions and impulses. Though always hard, I had this power before internet. Porn is only part of the problem, but it happens to be the biggest, beceause it;'s the biggest source of dopamine freely availible.
So for now, I'm quitting this addiction for good. I have the confidence, I now see ALL the consequenses. The love of my life left me. And perhaps the chance of getting her back is a great motivator. I don't want to be that little boy anymore. I want to become a MAN, like my father was for me. Accomplishing things in life, enough energy to share with a loved one. When I'm done dealing with porn, I slowly will start removing other addictive behaviours in the meantime. I'm slowly limiting my internet time, I have stopped gaming half a year ago already. I never touched a cigarette in about half a year. So these two big things are the only things that are holding me back to became a responsible man. Self-control/discipline is the thing I want to learn from this journey.
At this time, I feel anxious, HOCD and even ROCD spikes, even though I'm not in a relationship anymore. I hate this demon. And that fact only ackknowledges it as being a demon. Tormenting me from the inside, it has nothing to do with being gay or not. It wants to kill me. I've learned to deal with it about three years ago, remember? I can do this again. I know what lies ahead, I know the beaty of being porn free. And actually enjoy the 'normal' things in life. I have to embrace the pain, it's a sign of healing