Day 6 - I'm back after a long time...

Submitted by jigsaw on
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Haven't writtin here in a while. A lot of things happened. My girlfriend broke up with me 1,5 month ago :( I think in the end it was all due to my porn addiction. And perhaps not even porn, but my addictive behaviour in general. I haven't accomplished a single thing in two years that actually helped us move forward as a couple. I'm still in college, with the same marks I had two years ago since my mother passed away.

Since her passing away, I lost all energy to become a man. To force myself to go through the pain, it was easier to run away for it and flee into porn and internet. This had been too much stress on our relationship. My gf responded on this by taking on a mother role. In this way, it was even more easy to hide from the pain, and let someone else beam the motivation in me. I'm guessing I don't have ADD after all, I just lost all self discipline. Always giving in to emotions and impulses. Though always hard, I had this power before internet. Porn is only part of the problem, but it happens to be the biggest, beceause it;'s the biggest source of dopamine freely availible.

So for now, I'm quitting this addiction for good. I have the confidence, I now see ALL the consequenses. The love of my life left me. And perhaps the chance of getting her back is a great motivator. I don't want to be that little boy anymore. I want to become a MAN, like my father was for me. Accomplishing things in life, enough energy to share with a loved one. When I'm done dealing with porn, I slowly will start removing other addictive behaviours in the meantime. I'm slowly limiting my internet time, I have stopped gaming half a year ago already. I never touched a cigarette in about half a year. So these two big things are the only things that are holding me back to became a responsible man. Self-control/discipline is the thing I want to learn from this journey.

At this time, I feel anxious, HOCD and even ROCD spikes, even though I'm not in a relationship anymore. I hate this demon. And that fact only ackknowledges it as being a demon. Tormenting me from the inside, it has nothing to do with being gay or not. It wants to kill me. I've learned to deal with it about three years ago, remember? I can do this again. I know what lies ahead, I know the beaty of being porn free. And actually enjoy the 'normal' things in life. I have to embrace the pain, it's a sign of healing

Comments

Sorry you've been having trouble

You're not alone. Read the stories on this page: What's it like to use porn after rebooting?

The good news is that there are some really great support forums now. Reuniting is no longer about porn recovery. We moved all the porn stuff and recovery stories to www.yourbrainonporn.com.

I suggest you check out www.rebootnation.org. You can see the founder of www.rebootnation.org in the middle column (of www.yourbrainonporn.com) doing a half-hour interview with an NZ television team.

Also, read this: Is porn making my social anxiety/confidence/depression worse?

It's widely beleived that "addiction is an attachment disorder," meaning that absence of a close relationship (losing your mom) drives the need to reach for comfort and distraction. And if you slip back into your addiction...AND have a co-dependent partner who allows you to indulge, it can be the worst of both worlds (because you combine addiction with attachment in an unhealthy way).

The good news is that you see the problem. Go on through the discomfort. You are quite likely to transform into someone you really like and respect. That will be the basis for a healthy relationship.

BTW, stay OFF all interactive screen devices as much as possible. They stress your brain, increasing its need for relief. Read the first part of this book for more on the science:  Reset Your Child's Brain: Victoria L. Dunckley MD - Amazon.US It's written by a shrink who works with kids, teens and young people. 

i'd like to add

I would also like to comment.

I recently posted a link about myself. I'm 33 years old and I'm a virgin. I've never been in a relationship or got a genuwine hug or kiss from a girl that I liked, but I plan on changing some of this soon.

http://reuniting.info/blogs/bhayes/casual-sex-dating-and-serious-relatio...

so - you say u had a relationship but because you weren't progressing she left you. It does suck and is probably a blow to your self-worth but we all need to take responsibility for our mistakes. I know I have made plenty of them in my lift..

As far as dealing with depression feelings and being in school and getting bad grades because you can't focus, I understand you. I've been there. The reasons behind your depression are a little different than mine, but I understand how personal problems and emotional distractions can really trip a person up when it relates to grades or even getting to your job on time and staying in a healthy routine. I've been thru that before.

I also used to eat compulsively too. video games, porn, comic books and sci-fi movies and Japanese Anime Cartoons and Action Movies and other geek stuff was my escape from my problems.

there's a book called "Unmasking Male Depression" on amazon you might want to check it out. it helped me ask myself some important questions 10 years ago.

Also you mention HOCD and ROCD. To be honest, I don't have those issues specifically, but I understand porn addiction and the brain and escalation into genres and I'm very very sympathetic to other men now. I understand much better thanks to Gary and Marnia's research.

I've seen every genre of porn that exists with my eyes as a curious kid growing clicking away on the net and in my 20's and up. I've seen it all. trust me. everything from softcore to the grossest stuff you've ever seen just out of pure curiosity.

sometimes my curiousity would take me to scare placey and I would go "why did I even peak at that..OMG what does that mean? ahhhhh"

but. -as far as what I have used in the to aid masturbation and jacking off - I've never went beyond lesbian porn or seeing threesomes or orgies with men and lesbians. And honestly, I think that's the case with most straight men who are addicted to porno, so when I hear men have escalated further than that into other strange genres and they're hooked I know that must destroy their confidence and makes them question themselves - I'm very very sympathetic and I feel bad for those men too - because you ultimately have to live with what you watched and got excited by.

However, as Marnia said you gotta put it all in perspective and focus- Gary has done a great job of covering all this. I honestly think his best but most excplicit interview was with a guy named redbar - it was a comedy podcast from Chicago

check it out. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yA9yi6FIDdY

of all the interviews with gary this was his best interview because a lot of intellectual guys interview Gary but Mike David is a regular guy who is like us who asks excplict questions and has funny but frank talk.

But just know and understand that your life needs to be about self-improvement. It's a hard thing. you mom died and your girl left you. bad grades which possibly means fewer employment opportunities.

it's funny I have the opposite situation. I'm not close to my mother at all and I've never been in a relationship (which will change soon) and I'm a virgin....but...

I'm sure you have some people whether they be athletes, actors, superheroes or just some male role model that has a quality that you admire.

I admire actor/athlete terry crews. but you might admire someone else...but...focus on changing and growing.

I'm learning about Karezza and I'm trying find a way to attract the right type of woman who is open to it. but I was once in a rut emotionally 10 years ago the way you probably are now.

you got to take things one step at a time.

FYI, most of the

guys struggling with overconsumption of internet porn are no longer on this forum. What about sharing your insights on a recovery forum like RebootNation.org or NoFap.com?