The First of many?

Submitted by Jon Smith on
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I'm not sure quite how to use this blog, but I'll start with an introduction.

I'm 30 years old, single, and having read the content of YBOP for the past few months am both angry and relieved at discovering what the cause of so many years of frustration and misery might be.

I've always been a very strong willed man, who rarely drank to excess, ate sensibly, didn't smoke, exercised, and seemingly had control over my life. Except for one thing, which we all get told is harmless. I always did it when I was feeling low, or bored, or sometimes just habitually, and I never really knew what effect it was having on me until a couple of years ago.

For reasons I don't feel comfortable explaining right now, I was 28 before I ever had a girlfriend of any note, and when it came down to business I had no problem becoming aroused, but when it came down to sex itself, I could barely feel anything and no matter how many times we tried, I would wilt (what a lovely image) within a few minutes. Now I appreciate this could have been partially anxiety, but the lack of sensation is what confused me. Long story short, this relationship ended after a few months, I had no problems going down on her, in fact I loved it, but it got to the point where I didn't even want to try anything else and I knew it would fail, I would be upset and she was confused as to whether I actually was attracted to her.

Initially when I started seeing her I had stopped PMO as I felt it was a bit disrespectful to her, but after a few weeks of failing miserably I started PMO again, as it was the only release I was getting.

So months later I discovered YBOP and suddenly it all made sense to me; so I was definetly stopping. Definetly. I lasted about three days, felt down, and rationalised, "I'll stop when I start seeing someone again." So I kept up to PMO, and 8 months later started seeing someone else. This time I didn't stop PMO, and for other reasons we split up.

I say other reasons, but now I appreciate that my attitude towards women was affected by the constant PMO'ing. So again, after much similar behaviour, I grew determined this year to stop for good and turn my life around.

I stopped on Sunday, made it wednesday and failed. This is now day one, again. I came very close to failing again an hour ago, but forced myself to stop.

So here I am, determined to finally crack this.

Sorry for the long introduction, it felt good to finally write all this down.

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