Too much energy? Should you use the "Exchanges" in "Cupid's Poisoned Arrow?"

Submitted by Karezza Korner on
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The Exchanges in Cupid can help get around the following challenge because they "pace" the transition. A Cupid reader reported:

This past weekend we just kind of lost it and spent 9 hours total making love, no orgasm, but lots of edging. It was awesome but left us both exhausted due to sleep deprivation. I felt jumpy and anxious, like having had too much coffee. So we cooled it down for the last couple of days. Then this morning we woke up and started getting heated, just some kissing, and breast touching/kissing. FIRE!!! It's crazy, we can't keep our hands off each other.

I don't like this! I feel extremely aroused and loving toward my wife, but jittery. There is defnitely sexual tension that is causing discomfort. My wife feels the same, as she has recently decided to join me to go to 30 days without O. But this morning she says to me that she wants me badly but we'd better set some boundaries like no hugging in bed, as that just opens the box. I completely agree with her. But I find this really frustrating. What is happening is that we're getting so charged up for each other that it seems the only way to control it is to keep our hands off each other. We can't lie down and kiss or that will lead to more. Can't hug in bed or that will lead to more. Probably can't even snuggle on the sofa as that will lead to more. I love snuggling and being close, but it seems so difficult to just do this without it leading to more. And I'm afraid that my wife will pull away and we will be less affectionate in order to gaurd against the raging fire that always seems to be smoldering. I'd love to engage in more bonding behaviors, but it seems like we can't do that without getting out of hand. Which leads to further feelings of neediness and longing because I'm not getting the affection I crave. And then the feelings of needing affection get blended in with the feelings of sexual desire.

If edging really does cause these feelings i would definately caution people against it, or at least to be aware of it and experiment with cause/effect. For me, I feel like it actually raises my anxiety and stress. Sure, it's exciting, but very taxing on the body and central nervous & immune systems and does not feel right.

Another guy answered:

My wife and I have gone through this exact "problem". It is easy when you start on this path to go nuts and have intense, long sessions of edging and rev up that dopamine all you can. But it's still detrimental because you are still using all of the habitual tensions you brought to this situation in the first place. And you get that over-caffenated feeling, which can turn into all sorts of other problems.

You have to replace that dopamine-obsessed attitude with oxytocin, and that is about learning to relax. Once you start putting your emphasis on relaxing, you will discover many layers of tension that you were gleefully glossing over in your edging sessions. If you can stay together in a spirit of love and relaxation, you can both work through those tensions. The more you can work through them, the more intense your feelings of bliss will be, making your dopamine-centric lovemaking seem pale in comparison.

But it sure is difficult to let go of the excitement... don't worry too much about it, there is a place for it. The trick is, can you use that energy to crank up the oxytocin?

Another guy answered:

I think most all of us that have gone down this path, experiencing some version of this. I call it the rewiring process. I believe our energy circuits are used to only so much charge running through them and on top of that we keep discharging the energy when it builds up.

Then karezza enters the mix and the discharging stops or is reduced to infrequency. I compare it to having 10amp wiring and running 20amps through it. My experience is that the body readjusts to the increase current and then the buzzing, jittery energy settles out. You begin to handle it with a lot more ease. We noticed in the first year or so that we would have some adjustment to handle increased energy and then it would even out. Once we got used to that then it would up again and we'd adjust to that level. Kind of like going from 10 amps, to 20 amps, to 30amps and so on. It has leveled out for the most part for us but even now we can reach new places. Its kind of never ending, quite frankly.

Moral of the story....the body naturally adjusts given a little time.

(Marnia) Suggestion: Definitely don't avoid doing some bonding behavior before sleeping. Try one without kissing, such as

  1. placing a soothing palm over each other's genitals. This may increase arousal at first, but then things calm down leaving a nice glow, or
  2. spooning with as much stillness as you can muster.

This jittery tension has been reported by others and it does seem to be related by going too close to The Edge for too long and then stopping. It will pass if you don't keep stoking the fires. You might try cold water (or a cold, wet towel) on the genitals if you overheat.





One suggestion I have as a

One suggestion I have as a man is to practice letting go of erections.... this is something that we are heavily programmed to prevent at all costs! My guess is that most men have a lot of physical and emotional tension going into sustaining their erections.

Something my wife and I do is to lay completely naked together, front sides completely touching, hands on each other's backs, not moving; this naturally causes immediate erection. With eyes closed, I place all of my attention on my tailbone and PC muscles and focus on my breath there. After a while, I notice that I am tensing up down there in very subtle ways to sustain the erection. I relax and relax and the erection starts to fade. We breathe together, erections come and go, and tension is healed over time. Also, the love-bliss energy begins to circulate naturally between us without any genital contact. The feeling of our stomachs / chests touching is often more erotic than any kind of PIV... as long as that pelvic floor is totally relaxed!

I notice a lot of emotion tied into this (years of being told that losing an erection meant you weren't a man and that women would laugh at you). You may feel anger or shame or dissapointment when you practice letting go of erections. I think a great goal for a man is to only have erections that are free of tension- don't bring that tension into your partner. The more I heal that tension in my tailbone, the better (more rooted) I feel in all aspects of my life.