Day 12 no orgasm, but still driven to intrigue

Submitted by Kevin on
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By intrigue I mean personal ads; others interested in my fetish.
Yesterday had a very serene day; red x'd any images, did my meditation, worked well, harmony at home.
Today went to work, and on the drive home I didn't red x some images that were coming to me, and lo, within minutes I'm pulling over to the side of the road and searching on iPhone for personal ad intrigue.
Went on for a couple of hours.
I think the core of this is self pity ( I didn't want to have to do work ) and not taking this as critically as I ought to.
Also, the daily long car ride leaves me vulnerable to flashbacks.
Compulsions aren't easy; I'm in two 12 Step programs and I see lots of people dealing with this issue.
Talking to other members is sometimes the only thing that can change the path my brain's reward circuitry is on.
That fetish, compulsion hit sends a powerful reward to the brain, in the short term at least. But it makes everything else worse.
It's very hard to see past it when it comes calling.
But see past it I must.