Day ten--fetish hardest to surrender

Submitted by Kevin on
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Hi all, day ten on a reboot, and having only intermittent success. Yesterday was a good day with wife and family, but today my pantyhose fetish is roaring and demands relief. That's the one thing I've never been able to give up, it has so much allure and power, like a religious talisman. It competes with my good nature, and wants to engulf me in satisfying that pleasure ( which because of the extremes it takes me could draw me to wander outside my marriage). Is there any hope here? A psychologist once told me that I would never overcome it and have to accept that side of me. But it takes me away from bonding, karezza, and affection for my wife. It also exhausts and drains me totally. Can anyone offer support? Is there hope?
And wife is going away next week and I keep thinking of a huge binge :(


Get real

You have to stop playing the victim. My bachelor's is in psychology and it is clearer than a glass of Evian that you somehow believe you are the victim of your desires. Before you look to external sources (message boards, shrinks, family) to help you cope, first develop the strength to control your desires. When you get an urge to act out, glare yourself down in the mirror, face colder than a witch's tit, and you will get the point. Also, tell yourself "I love you," after you do this. Otherwise you may feel like a bad boy.

replacement behaviors

there is hope. First, lots of snuggling and bonding. I know you do some, but the more the better. Second, finding replacement behaviors for the times/places you engage. Something else to do instead. There is no such thing as kicking something without a replacement that you engage in to do the job that the behavior you want to get rid of was doing for you.

Bonding behaviors build up oxytocin and make addictions much less of a draw and easier to get rid of. And replacement behaviors are the key to lasting change.

The reason I quit all masturbation and porn is that I found something to do that is much better and replaces the role that masturbation and porn filled in my life. I too had issues (in this case spanking/bondage) and those are now gone. I am still attracted to them but I don't act or think much about them anymore. In time they fade away and are fading away all the time, so long as I don't feed the sharks. I turn away even from triggers on TV or anywhere else and avoid thinking about them by using techniques like the Red X.

It takes time for

sensitized pathways relating to fetishes to fade...even when you stop reinforcing them. Yes, I know a lot of psychologists have been taught that male sexuality is a one-way street and no matter how extreme your tastes're a prisoner for life of those tastes.

This is simply not true. The brain is plastic. What is very hard is that you can't get rid of a fetish while continuing to reinforce it with orgasm. So you must choose. And then remain consistent for a long time.

Meanwhile, the cravings for the fetish can get stronger for a bit. All of this is explained in this article: Why Do I Find Porn More Exciting Than A Partner?

The reason it feels so challenging is that your brain has actually sprouted extra dendrites on the nerve cells associated with thoughts and triggers for your fetish. So you brain lights up like a Christmas tree when you turn your thoughts in that direction. It takes time for those dendrites to depart...and some may be around for a l-o-n-g time. However, if you read the article linked above, you'll see how men describe the shift when the brain returns to normal. It's profound, and it will happen to you as well if you wait the process out without reinforcing your fetish via porn, fantasy and climax.

Can you get a massage instead? Or test out one of the other tools here? ♦Solo Tools

Good luck!


Doctor Music

I'll try that--it might work; the staring it down thing. Being a victim may be a part of it; self pity and boredom play a role for sure.
A lot of it is that as soon as the fantasy plays up ( even just a thought, a single image) it becomes so pleasurable that it takes on a life of its own. That's why I said its the hardest thing to surrender.


Thank you Marnia--you always understand. That's exactly it; those dendrites light up like a Christmas tree ! Perfect analogy. I will read the article.
It's true--the cravings pass, once I get into doing something different.
I'll keep at it, and avoid reinforcing it. I've also started going to SA again, so I'm checking in regularly with other guys who are gradually getting over these compulsions.

Comforting reassurance and guidance on podcasts

I'm in a pornography recovery group called For Men Only at my church near Minneapolis, and I plan to mention Marnia's book AFTER I confirm its efficacy in my married life. Dr. Mark Laaser, PhD, is an excellent Christian sexual relationship therapist here near Minneapolis, and he has a site with wonderfully insightful and relevant 30 minute Men of Valor podcasts: