Irritability with partner

Submitted by Kevin on
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I haven't blogged in a while and I thought it might be a good idea.
I'm a little irritated, maybe disappointed in wife; may be a result of passion cycle, last sex with orgasm was a week ago.
I feel like she's not into cuddling or showing me the affection she used to.
There's even a hint of anger or storms brewing in the distance. She got really angry at me the other night, after a really nice day, when baby cried for two minutes because I didn't burp him completely, and I spend a lot of time caring for the baby too.
But I was thinking today after reading the article here titled "What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage" that I should surrender any expectation of affection, and reward her for positive behaviours. I like the line about treating your partner like some species of exotic animal.
Right now, to be honest, and excuse my language, I feel like she's a pain in the ass. Too much trouble. And it bothers me that she shows zero interest in karezza and anytime we have sex it is way too hot; but I am committed to this relationship. It is challenging, but so much of the challenge is dealing with my own mood, resentment, whatever. I have to remember that I can't change her. Talking about stuff like karezza will not work because i've done all that.
I think also it is a spiritual challenge for myself. I tend to be pretty self-centered and used to getting my way; but now I have to let go and relax into different rhythms.
I also resent that I feel like Im the one doing all the accomodating.
But my perception may be skewed; if I look at things from her point of view, she probably feels like she's doing a lot of accomodating.
I'll keep plugging away. I appreciate reading other people's struggles and victories on here.

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how much cuddling are you doing?

how much time are you spending each day in bonding?

And why do you have to have hot sex with your wife? Why can't you just have the sex you want, by asking her not to give you oral or whatever really hot things she is doing?

The not wanting to cuddle happens sometimes inside the passion cycle and usually ends 14 or more days after orgasm.

But it sounds like fundamentally if you both spent more time in naked hugging and non sexual touch, this would all resolve itself with nothing further, to be honest.

cuddling

She's not into cuddling. I should have mentioned that. I love cuddling in the morning before I get out of bed, but she moves way over on her side. It bugs me. she loves to cuddle when we watch tv, but she's not into it in bed. So Im stopping initiating; it bothers me being the needy one. If she's not into cuddling (and hopefully you're right, it's because there's a dip in the passion cycle) I just have to accept it. One thing I need to be careful of is that in a few days, when we come back up, she'll probably lure me into hot sex again. It seems it's the only way she knows how. By hot sex, I mean intercourse, even when we go slow, we get very very hot. Great at the time, but I think we need to keep it cooler.
But it's really hard when you're partner is not on board with Marnia's work, and won't even read a chapter of CPA.
So, I'll have to get spiritual and accept her as she is. That's a big trap for me, wanting to change my partner. I was like that in my first marriage. This one not as much, but i still have that desire to want to shape the relationship.

This was exactly our experience

, except we don't have a baby. When I am post orgasm, I feel more critical, and far more emotionally unstable. I also feel more alone and misunderstood. The thing that worked for us was implementing naked sexual snuggling on a daily basis. I'm the one with the higher sex drive, and without the daily sexual snuggling, I would unconsiously make sex too hot, and would frequently end up O'ing. And I'm the one with the serious fight triggering ripples that can turn into tsunamis at the slightest trigger.

As for timing, we have been on the Karezza path for almost 2 years, and I was not orgasm free until a year ago. So patience and persistence are the keys. My partner is not orgasm free, and I'm ok with it now.

How long has it been since the baby came?

Quizure

One more thing

When I was in hangover land, I would behave the same way - moving to the far side of the bed, but blaming my partner for some slight. Even though I had read Marnia's book, it took months for me to see myself as the source of the problem. My partner was very patient with me, he would let me pout and rant and have fits, but wouldn't engage in a fight. This is when I finally saw the light, but it took a few nasty episodes of my behavior to do it.

Thanks Quizure

Really helpful to hear your feedback, and great to be understood and get some more clarity.
Funny, the last day or so we've both lightened up and have been affectionate, and cuddling more.
She's not over on the far side of bed.
I realize I can't change her and can realistically just accept her and work on me, be warm and appreciative of the good stuff and ignore the less than good.
Watch the good grow.
Thanks

yes, you are a gem!

yes, you are a gem!

This is where some powerful fear-based religion would come in handy...to have some powerful rule that strikes the fear of the devil into people "for the first year after conceiving a child, thou shalt spend every night together cuddling naked, kissing, massaging each other, but if thou engages in hot sex demons will strike..." Not to mock religion here, just a comment to express how utterly difficult that first year of raising a baby is and couples need all the love they can get without any extra stress from something as 'controllable' as staying away from hot sex. Yet the stress of raising a baby makes the release of hot sex seem so compelling...or utterly repulsive as the case might be. So some ground rules would sure be helpful!