Wife freaked out

Submitted by Kevin on
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Unreal. I had just finished reading some of the suggestions Marnia made and a link that another member had written about sending energy through the penis and so on, when my wife called me to bed. We had about 30 minutes of nice bonding time, which was nice because I've felt she's been distant recently. Then we started intercourse which was very pleasurable, not too intense, and I was able to really slow down and enjoy the whole experience. Eventually I slowed down, to a stop, cuddled her a bit, and got ready to sleep. I was feeling very good about the whole thing, when suddenly she started saying how angry she was (that she didn't orgasm) how upset and how frustrated she was! She was super upset!
I was so shocked, after what was for me a great hour of bonding time and intercourse.
I just said ' I'm sorry you feel that way'. I fell asleep for a bit, then woke up later hungry and upset. Upset to the point where I want to leave her.
Ive never ever seen a woman react like that, like I am a masturbatory tool for them.
I am still blown away, and I'm really wondering if I should stay with her. I do all the spiritual work and inner change work, she just follows her instincts. We are both divorced already and I have read that divorce is inevitable for people who re-marry unless they change themselves. She just says she married the wrong person the first time. I've repented to God and man all the selfish shit I did in my first marriage ...anyways , we have a four month old baby. We"ll have to see. I'm beginning to think it ain't going to work and should start looking for an apartment.

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Slow down even more

Quitting orgasm is not exactly the easiest thing in the world. Did you explain to her that the goal of karezza like love making is to avoid getting heated up? Because sexual frustration without release is a total bitch, that much I know. Let her in on what you learn here if she's not the reading type. In a few months she'll probably teach you. That intuition thing they have going is pretty cool stuff, that's why they rely so much on their instincts. Not that they don't make completely asinine decisions sometime based on instincts but hey, nothing is fool proof.

You sound a little post-orgasmic yourself. Don't make any important decisions until you're out of the two week passion cycle.

How do you know she was angry

How do you know she was angry because she didn't orgasm? Did she say that?

If you are going to not orgasm and you always did before, then you have to expect that a lot of stuff in your relationship is going to be redefined. This is what is going on in my relationship. I had a similar experience but my wife wasn't angry, but she did not share my feelings at all.

I can read her on this and although she lets me put my penis in she isn't into it. It's what Darryl here has called feminine lock-down and it isn't anything she can control.

It's important to be extremely patient on this and it could take months to unravel. In my relationship it's totally worth it. If you bond with her for 3 weeks or so you may feel entirely differently also. Bonding and being non-orgasmic changes everything.

Well,

I guess that settles it. She needs a chance to get educated.

We've all been brainwashed that more orgasms will make us happier, so if anything is bothering us, and our drug pusher doesn't give us our fix...he's the bad guy.

I suspect part of the problem is that you made the decision for both of you without consulting her. I suggest you back up and tell her that she can choose if she wants to go for orgasm or not, but that you prefer to avoid it and will not push her. Leave it up to her to come long when she's ready. There's a thread here that may have a tip or two: http://www.reuniting.info/node/7173

Would she read a few chapters in our book...when she calms down? Might help.

Have lots of patience and

Have lots of patience and definately don't undermine the postpartum upheaval. When I was pregnant, my husband was perfect. On day 2 after our child was born, I looked at my husband and couldn't believe I'd married him. At 6 months, I was slamming doors in his face and screaming that I hated him. And I wasn't dealing with postpartum depression at all. Those hormones/neurochemicals are intense! And then mix in the fact she's just become a mother, is probably freaked out of anything that's not perfect in the relationship cause she doesn't want to ever raise a child alone, the stress of having a child, the total lack of a good nights sleep, and of course the post orgasm hangover...whoa!

I'd be VERY careful asking for too much to change in the first year. A new mother needs a LOT of support and anything you do could be considered selfish to her, including not giving her an orgasm. I have no idea about your wife, but she might also be dealing with a serious fear/insecurity around being rejected sexually because her body has just undergone a major major transformation. Remember that there's a lot of women around the world choosing c-sections to avoid having a stretched vagina that might not 'please' their husband. I consider myself to have a very positive body image, yet when I started sleeping with someone after my husband and I split up, I worried that my body was no longer desireable cause my stretched vagina just wouldn't be pleasing. Go slowly, be patient, stick to your commitment to Karezza as a long term goal, but for now focus on giving, nurturing and bonding.

You might need to be a bit of rock for now (as in don't take these outbursts personally -if she looks at your like you're the devil, remember it's not you, it's the hormones, but DON'T tell her that!) and take care of yourself too, cause you're going through all that stress as well. Get together with your male friends, especially fathers who are still with their partners (not ones who are single and embittered about relationships, you don't need that right now).

If you are sharing those bonding moments like you described, that's great. That should go a long ways to ensuring she doesn't just make some crazy decision to leave. Now is not the time to make any decisions like that. My husband and I went through hell that first year (add to that the fact that neither of us knew anything other than conventional sex and I pretty much didn't want his penis anywhere near me and he was constantly asking for sex.). Things settled out after that and we did okay for a while. We likely would have benefited a lot from Karezza and I'd say I would have been open to that if I'd read about it after that first year, but likely not before that.

Thank you

Great feedback, from the men and hearing a woman's point of view. We reconciled; what I get from everyone's suggestions is be super patient and let her be. Work on my own shit--she's doing a great job as a mom, and our baby is a sweetheart.
I'll let her know that I'm working on not orgasming, so she can expect md to slow down etc... but her end is her business.
Thanks a lot