Kevin's blog

Surprised

Submitted by Kevin on

Rough week, after the best February of my life. Had a sudden relapse which is taking me a few days to get over. I realized there is some fantasy material still in my head that I am resistant to giving up. As long as I indulge in those I will continue to fall. Engaging in willful fantasy is now a bottom line for me.
In any case, I have gone to SLAA and spoken to my sponsor, there are a few things I need to stop doing, bottom lines. And when I feel a sudden insane urge come up I'm to look around immediately to try and be of service to someone.

Day One no orgasm, hopeful, reuniting back up!

Submitted by Kevin on

So after a really good February with a couple of lapses I'm starting at Day One again.
The gift of another day !
I was doing very well, until I started feeling some pride and self pity because my wife wasn't giving me obvious signs of affection ( but lots of subtle ones which I didn't notice until later) so one day I peeked on some shit on the Internet which ignited the compulsion, old behaviours, orgasm.
Then I had hot sex with wife last night. I told her after that now, after a good two weeks, I want to aim for a month.

Struggling

Submitted by Kevin on

Wow, terrible night, bad sexual dreams, nearly had a wet dream for first time, and other emotionally difficult dreams. Really struggling with the addiction and craving some old taboo behaviors and fetishes I used to indulge in at the height of my addiction. Just want a wild binge of out of control and risky behaviour.
This is a huge switch from where I was last week.
I don't want to go to those old ways, they just got me into trouble eventually. I had a real sex addiction, beyond just porn and m. So I'm not here by any virtue, it's necessary for me.

Rebooting

Submitted by Kevin on

Beginning to smooth out. That orgasm with my wife ignited the chaser effect on day two--I got through it with some discomfort. Thank G now I know how to read the signs. I slept well last night and cuddled with wife in bed in the morning.
I really have to thank Marnia and Gary for their book and website. I know this relationship would have imploded like all my other sexual relationships at some point, just because I used to be under the cultural 'more orgasm is better' delusion. Now it doesn't have to be like that.

Day 10-gratitude, benefits

Submitted by Kevin on

I've had probably the calmest week I can remember in my life.
Work smooth, home life smooth, just feel so mellow and good.
Even some people at work who I have avoided in the past, have suddenly started being all friendly with me.
Women at work seem to enjoy me more too. And I'm not taking things personally like I used to.
A big thing also is that I resolved some inner conflicts around family of origin. I realized finally that I don't need to talk to them, or need their approval or anything. Live and let live.

Day 5 again-withdrawal

Submitted by Kevin on

Well, 5 days without o and must admit am feeling low. I also ran 17 km yesterday and was up late working,so that could be it too.
I find though that when I'm really tired like this, I want some high intensity porn or other online intrigue.
I looked at a website I shouldnt have for a minute, not porn, but close enough.

Wife freaked out

Submitted by Kevin on

Unreal. I had just finished reading some of the suggestions Marnia made and a link that another member had written about sending energy through the penis and so on, when my wife called me to bed. We had about 30 minutes of nice bonding time, which was nice because I've felt she's been distant recently. Then we started intercourse which was very pleasurable, not too intense, and I was able to really slow down and enjoy the whole experience. Eventually I slowed down, to a stop, cuddled her a bit, and got ready to sleep.

Premature ejaculation?

Submitted by Kevin on

Hi all,
Just had sex with my partner again, we were kissing a bit and she said ' put it in' so I obliged. We were going slow but deep, and after a few pleasurable minutes I suddenly ejaculated. I was disappointed because I want to conserve my semen. I think maybe I'm going into hard and straining a bit when maybe I should relax more and be looser and limpet about it. I have no problem with erections, just the fact that the sensation is so pleasurable I ejaculate quicker than I'd like, when in fact I'd rather not ejaculate at all.
Any tips ?

Day 5

Submitted by Kevin on

Day 5 and beginning to feel stronger. Also my work is going very well, and I'm taking things less personally from wide.
She's distant and detached, a hangover from the passion cycle, but I'm positive better days are ahead.
I'm also re-reading Stanley Bass's energy karezza book. I don't agree with everything he says, but his enthusiasms infectious.
I have to be careful though, often when I start feeling better, I get cocky and think I can get away with porn... I seem to go through extremes of despair to grandiosity.
Hopefully I can stay calm and centered.

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