by L. Kevin & Donna Johnson, Darryl Keil and Sheree Swanson (Summer, 2012)
Note: This is a follow up article on the previous one entitled Karezza in Four Easy Steps. Here we will discuss specific details on how to move away from conventional mating sex toward the practice of Karezza. Commonly, some men feel that this form of sexual intercourse is “too boring and unexciting”, therefore, we’ll offer some insights based on our own personal experiences and explain why Karezza offers tremendous fulfillment and satisfaction.
The first thing to understand is that there is no Karezza rule book or supreme authority on the subject. As far as we know, there are no ancient Karezza scrolls with divine blessings on them. No Karezza police, no tee-shirts either. In fact, the word “Karezza” was first used by a woman named Alice Stockham who wrote a book in 1903 called Karezza – Ethics of Marriage. The word Karezza means “caress” and it seems to have stuck as the name for what we talk about on this website. The point here is that we are all exploring this new territory as we go along. Each of us, in a literal sense, is working on reinventing our sexual selves. No one possesses the ultimate method. And even though some of us have been at it for a while, it doesn’t mean we are the definitive authority on the subject.
A general definition of Karezza can be simply stated as “sexual intercourse without orgasm or ejaculation.” That’s it, the whole definition. Under that umbrella anything goes. May every couple find their own unique way. Though many of us prefer to have new things spelled out in specific details, Karezza paints a very minimal stroke and leaves it up to you to fill in the rest.
With this simple description in mind, every couple would be best served by the ‘no orgasm’ rule. If what you're doing causes you to go over the edge into orgasm, deliberately or by “accident”, then those certain methods should be avoided. Probably swinging from a trapeze in your bedroom while your partner is bound and strapped to the bed, wielding a double ended vibrator is most likely not going to fit under the Karezza umbrella. Someone’s bound to have an orgasm. For many folks, getting heated up is the main hurdle, so gentle intercourse, including lots of bonding behavior makes good sense. In fact, bonding behaviors are good no matter what. One of the nicest places to be when engaging in Karezza is the point where you have absolutely no urge to orgasm at all. Then you can relax and expand with the experience.
One misperception around Karezza is that “turning down the heat” is always the proper way to go. Instead, think of it as striking a new balance between stimulation and sensitivity. In conventional orgasm-driven mating sex the emphasis is on intense stimulation, while in Karezza style lovemaking, it’s about relaxing into sensation. With goal-driven genital stimulation the energy builds up and seeks release, hence the orgasmic conclusion. In cultivating sustained sensation (arousal), the energy flows back and forth between partners without seeking a resolution.
This also explains why Karezza sex usually goes on for a much longer period of time. In conventional sex, aggressive stimulation is centered on the clitoris and the head of the penis, where the energy builds. In Karezza, heightening sensitivity happens within the vagina and at the base (root; i.e. perineum) of the penis where the sending of life force energy (from the penis) and receiving (into the vagina) takes place. Over time, the sensation in the vagina increases in response to the sending from the root, and the penis root responds to the calling of the vagina. It goes back and forth, send and receive, call and response. It’s like the penis and vagina carry on a dialogue with each other in a new way, and we're the happy recipients of their conversations.
On the other hand, whenever there is a goal to achieve orgasm, there is a greater need for stimulation. Stimulation is how we get to orgasm. Through stimulation we create sexual energy, build it up and then release it in an orgasm. If we remove orgasm from the equation then stimulation quiets down and creates space for something else to take place. What fills this space is sensation.
Sensation encompasses a much wider range of feelings throughout the entire body and doesn’t come to an abrupt end, which is what happens with stimulation. Also, stimulation is something more localized, you have to create it directly. Sensation is something you simply tune into. Since stimulation is created by your focused attention on the genitals, performance issues and anxieties may come into play. However, this is not the case with sensation. Sensation leads to greater depth of feeling. This greater depth of feeling in Karezza translates into sex that is simply more pleasurable than conventional, orgasm driven sex.
To say there’s no sensation in conventional sex and no stimulation in Karezza would be incorrect. Both have some of each element. It’s simply a matter of how much, especially when your goal is to cultivate an energetic awakening of the penis and the vagina through the process of slow, non-orgasmic lovemaking. Too much sensation in conventional sex will most likely end up in orgasm, although it may take a little longer to get there. Too much stimulation in Karezza sex will also hijack the experience over into a mating sex program. No stimulation at all, however, can be a problem for some people.
A woman who was new to Karezza said:
For a whole year we had sex with no stimulation and no orgasm. Nothing at all happened. When we were plugged in it felt like a dead battery. I avoided stimulating my clitoris because that was recommended and all I experienced was pain and difficulty with penetration. My husband achieved having sex without orgasm and he stopped masturbating. I avoided orgasm also.
Eventually I came across some information by an experienced Karezza couple. They described what I would call being in a state of “calm arousal” during their lovemaking. Neither my husband nor I were experiencing anything near what I would call arousal. I finally decided on my own, that if I was to feel aroused, I would have to focus on my breasts and allow him to gently stimulate my clitoris with his penis. It worked like magic!
For the first time in a year, I immediately enjoyed a pain-free, slippery, wet vagina and a state of sustained arousal by non-aggressive clitoral stimulation. My husband, who couldn’t move inside of me for that first year because of my pain, began to feel some sensation in his penis and was able to gently move in and out of my vagina. It didn’t lead to orgasm for either one of us.
We continued this cultivation of arousal for only a few days and then amazingly, something begin to change. I am now enjoying delightful sensations in my vagina and it seems that our genitals are exploring new territories of sensitivity. In my experience, I needed that initial phase of clitoral stimulation to get past the pain and to move on to deeper levels of awakening in our exploration of Karezza.
Understanding this framework can help couples find their own sense of balance in Karezza lovemaking. Therefore, it is safe to say that if the sensations are getting too heated up then you need to reduce the stimulation. If it’s a little too sedate and you want to build the energy up, then increase the stimulation. All you have to do is make more movement of the penis and more connection with the clitoris, but not so much that it causes overexcitement. This alone will help you discover the approach that works best. Again, the point is to enjoy the sexual experience and make it last as long as you both desire to feel satisfied and fulfilled.
As we will discuss in the next section, in our experience, encouraging the right amount of sensation (arousal) is the key. Usually it only takes a simple change in the angle of penetration, or some slow movement during lovemaking to do the trick. Obviously, if you need to reduce the amount of stimulation in order to avoid the edge, it is generally a good idea to choose a position that works better. This is why some sexual positions are better in Karezza than others, i.e., scissors, bridge, woman on top, side to side.
In the beginning, one must be aware of the level of stimulation. Then after a while you will discover that you’re so immersed in the pleasure and sensation that over-stimulation is not a problem. You will be able to monitor and flow along without losing focus.
There is one more piece to the Karezza adventure to be concerned about, and that is frequency. Since orgasm is no longer the intent, frequency plays an important role in achieving the full potential that Karezza offers. Once a couple discovers how easy this form of bonding is, they want to do it more often, even daily, if possible. When there aren’t any negative effects to deal with from the post-orgasmic fallout, then there’s no need to recover, so making love feels new and fresh every time.
The most significant thing about the practice of Karezza sex is the possibility of healing sexual problems, addictive disorders, poor self-esteem and relationship issues, as well as significantly improving hormonal and neurochemical brain balance. There is still a lot of research that must be done, but in the meantime, we can benefit right away by learning to adapt our bonding behaviors in ways that will bring about genuine feelings of well-being, joy and delight with our partners.
What this practice is leading to is not just an alternative to conventional orgasmic sex. It is the threshold to a whole new expression of male/female synergy. Beyond the ordinary level of human physical sexuality is the potential for interpersonal transformation within the biological code that’s built into our two strands of limited DNA. The direction for humanity’s evolutionary growth and spiritual development is something that no one can predict or control. But within this new approach is the possibility for an expanding field of deep loving expression between man and woman.
The male-dominant perspective is being cracked open. And there is a dismantling of the repression which has been the cause of violence and division between the sexes. Karezza is a fresh approach, which offers the promise of bringing human relationship into divine balance at last, where the emphasis is now centered more on the female as the sphere of influence. What this brings into view is a new level of consciousness, transforming the old patriarchal role from self-seeking sexual domination toward a new balance of collaboration with the creative power of the divine feminine. In Karezza, the male and female come into harmonic balance.
The Pleasure Plateau
The most common complaint we hear from young guys is that the idea of sex without ejaculating sounds boring. And because this form of intimacy (avoiding peak orgasm) doesn’t spike dopamine in the brain, it is alien to our modern way of thinking about sex. Our society is accustomed to reaching for highs either through fertilization-driven mating sex, pills, cigarettes, porn, alcohol, high calorie foods, or a chemical fix to counteract our lows. So when someone hears about the practice of avoiding orgasm for the first time, their initial thought is that Karezza must be boring and unappealing because it won’t give them the desired high.
Sometimes we wonder how these assumptions became perpetuated, but it is worthwhile to note that Karezza is in fact, very fulfilling and enriching! And the reason is because you can do it often, and for long periods of time, without ever getting depleted or feeling tired of your partner. It’s conventional sex that is boring and unexciting, because it generally ends after one or two peak orgasms.
In order to experience sweet sensations in Karezza sex, there is a valuable piece of information you should consider: Not only is it beneficial to give up the goal of orgasm, but in the beginning, it’s important for the man and woman to encourage a certain level of arousal between them. This is an aspect we didn’t stress in the previous article, entitled, “Karezza in Four Easy Steps,” because maintaining a calm level of sexual arousal is sometimes too difficult in the beginning practice. We wanted to ensure success for people who have not yet learned the skill of navigating the “rough waters” without giving in to “going over the cliff” toward peak orgasm.
In the previous piece we simply wanted to give men the information they need to successfully pull off at least thirty minutes of sexual intercourse without slipping into orgasm. After a guy can do that, the next stage is for him to start consciously enjoying the pleasure of intimacy by making it last longer.
This is when sex starts to move from a male oriented track of release through orgasm into an effortless balance by including the feminine influence. Then the man’s role begins to evolve as he becomes a “sender of energy,” while the woman becomes the “receiver”. As the woman starts to relax and open up to real love, which is beyond all goals, there is a shift in the direction of sexual expression. It transforms lovemaking into an experience of joyful bonding, something most women never get to feel from conventional mating sex.
For a man, in order to make the transition from the male oriented approach toward Karezza, it’s helpful to understand what is commonly known as the plateau phase of the orgasm cycle. As shown in the graph, this is the phase where you encourage an extended, heightened cultivation of sensation (during erection) without going over into resolution (orgasm). Maintaining this sexual plateau as a calm state of arousal is actually the key to reaching deeper levels of profound awakening of the energetic relationship between the penis (sender) and the vagina (receiver).
Typically in conventional lovemaking, a man will reach this plateau rather quickly, which is often shorter in duration than a woman’s. Once he is turned on, signals from the brain travel down the spinal cord to his genitals and bring about an erection. Then, if he continues stimulating his penis too vigorously, the pleasure will be short-lived because he will inevitably move toward peak orgasm. When that happens, there is an immediate drop-off phase where erection becomes difficult, leading to a period of recovery. The older he is the longer recovery time will be required.
By practicing Karezza, if a man learns how to navigate along this pleasurable plateau phase, or even slightly above it, while remaining cool, monitoring the sensation in his penis without building up sexual tension, then he can ride this plateau for a long time (hours). It is worth mentioning, however, what we’ve emphasized before: a man would do well making a firm decision to avoid the goal of ejaculation and orgasm completely if he wants to become a successful Karezza lover. As long as “release” is still an option in his mind, that innate mating sex program will occasionally urge him to go over the edge. It takes a strong commitment to stop masturbating, ejaculating and pursuing orgasms in favor of the enormous rewards available through Karezza sex.
In the woman, the plateau phase may take a little bit longer to get there. Depending on her age or hormone level, it may happen rather quickly or take up to twenty minutes or longer. With female arousal and receptivity, the vagina grows in length and becomes naturally lubricated. Once she reaches the plateau stage, she’s able to enjoy a level of sustained pleasure and sensitivity for as long as she wants. She may in time begin to experience orgasmic waves of pleasure and energy, which are far more satisfying than a peak orgasm.
For some women, focusing on the breasts with a semi-erect penis gently resting inside her for an extended period of time eventually results in a very noticeable awakening of her vagina, perhaps for the first time in her life. Eventually she becomes more sensitive to the delightful exchange of energy between the male and female genitals. The woman’s sexual response will begin to awaken naturally through the magnetic connection of the breasts and the entire vagina, not necessarily through clitoral stimulation alone.
Diana Richardson writes in, Tantric Orgasm for Women (page 90):
If the clitoris is approached in a relaxed, easy, passive way – as an extension of the vagina itself – it can deepen vaginal awareness, greatly intensifying sensitivity, and adding to orgasmic states. The clitoris can therefore be used in two opposing ways: The first is as a direct doing, an active stimulation – with the outcome of making a woman a bit pushy and easily orgasm-oriented, which reduces her awareness of the vagina. Or the clitoris can be used in a non-doing, more passive, softer way, which makes a woman more receptive and open and increases awareness in the vagina. One way leads to discharge, the other way leads further into her ecstasy and femininity.
After this awakening of the vagina begins to occur, focusing on the breasts as well as an occasional touch now and then of the clitoris or slow movement of the penis is enough to keep her sexually enlivened for longer periods of time. Many women report that the most profound sexual response comes from awareness and contact with their breasts.
The following testimony is from an experienced Karezza woman. She writes:
For me, as a woman, Karezza has been a path of enlightenment and exploration; it has given me the opportunity to relearn what sexuality is all about. I have discovered how important it is for me to know my own body and how to use my mind in a way that releases the tensions I normally hold that prohibit me from being able to experience all the pleasure that is possible.
My first step was to learn how to let go of all thoughts that didn’t focus on our bodies and the present moment. That in itself was so liberating. Now I am able to feel my body and concentrate on the sensations that are flowing between my lover and me. Once I was able to let go of outside thoughts, I was able to consciously relax my pelvis and my vagina. This relaxation enables my lover to be able to send his energy up through me without being closed off or blocked. It also gives him the sensation of being fully welcomed and accepted, which adds greatly to his own experience.
I never realized how common it was in my past for me to instinctively close off the area of my vagina near the cervix. It is no wonder men feel they have to thrust so hard in conventional sex – they are trying to reach the area where the electricity really flows (the “garden of love”). But the harder they thrust, the tighter a woman will keep that area closed. Once a woman relaxes and lets a man in, he can relax and stop trying so hard – his penis can rest deep inside a warm and welcoming vagina and there is no longer any need to try to push through. This involves a lot of trust on both parts and is one of the steps toward creating a divine sexual union.
Once I was able to accomplish all of the above, I then learned how to derive greater pleasure through my breasts. A woman holds the key to feeling bliss beyond imagination when she can find that link between her breasts and her vagina. I started by touching my own breasts and nipples and imagining energy coming from them and then circling down to my vagina and up again through my breasts. I would do this when I was alone and also when I was making love. Eventually, I was able to feel my cervix pulsate just by letting energy flow through my breasts.
There are many reasons I love this connection – for one, it causes my vagina to lubricate (immensely!). Also, while making love, my energy flows up and out rather than down and out as in the case with clitoral stimulation / orgasms. This means I do not feel tired or drained during or after sex. In fact, I feel completely revived. Since the breasts are a woman’s positive energy pole, when my lover touches them, it causes energy to flow to him as well. This results in an erection for him most of the time. Sometimes we will lie with each other and just touch each other’s positive poles (his penis in my hand and my breasts in his hands). The energy circulates and feels very good and is a wonderful prelude to making love.
Since I have started feeling the energy flow through my breasts, they have actually increased in size, amazingly. I feel more feminine than I ever have in my life. And I no longer feel the need to touch my clitoris nor have it involved in any sort of foreplay: all I need in order to be open and ready for lovemaking is to bring the attention to my breasts; I can do it myself or my lover can do it, but it works best if I start the energy flow myself because otherwise, it can feel like an affront to my body. It all has to come from within ‘me’ and once I get the energy circulating, I am more than ready to accept my lover inside me. It is heavenly for both of us to connect in such a loving and welcoming way. Men love to be accepted in this way and women love to receive a man in this way. The man is able to disperse his energy up and through the woman and she receives it and becomes energized, while returning to him a sense of peace and serenity.
Again, one can see why most Karezza couples choose to avoid peak orgasm, so they can enjoy the most exquisite sexual satisfaction for an hour or more without suffering from the post-orgasmic fallout. This practice leads smoothly toward a delicious state of deep connection and nourishing feelings of bonding and contentment that can last all day long. Then they can enjoy the benefits of uninterrupted pleasure on and slightly above the “plateau”. But this is certainly not the end of the story. There is much more uncharted territory to explore.
Our conclusion, therefore, is that in Karezza sex there are no rules, with the one exception of avoiding orgasm. It is important to understand where you are heading along this path. It is not just to experience sustained pleasure through stimulation of the penis and the clitoris, but instead, to awaken the ecstatic response between the root of the penis and the entire vagina. This is for the purpose of establishing higher levels of energetic connection and receptivity.
In circumventing ejaculation, the man learns to hold the “space” for the woman to open. She is given a “reservation” of time, permission to just allow her arousal and passion to build naturally and at her own pace, with no goals or limits. Karezza takes the performance anxiety and pressure out of sex. This helps to create a space where she can relax and allow whatever pleasures and feeling are naturally there to bubble up to the surface. It should be understood that “good sex” and performance do not necessarily go together.
What returns to the man is an experience of the balanced energy which flows through the open channel of the woman. The longer he holds the space without ejaculating the more sensitive he becomes to the gifts of her feminine essence. Over time and with lots of practice, more and more subtle experiences may begin to emerge, which continue to deepen as time goes on. This can lead to even more profound levels of exhilaration, connection, mental clarity, emotional healing and feelings of expansion and love.
The Purpose of Karezza is Giving, Not Getting
Karezza, like other forms of bonding behavior, requires a willingness to extend acts of selfless giving. In most cases, the concerns and struggles we face in our intimate relationships can be easily corrected by simply embracing this important principle.
We have found that scheduling lovemaking early in the morning, before the activities of the day, is better for us. That is the time of day when the energies of the earth are fresh and awakening. Also, a man’s hormone levels are higher in the morning, especially before eating. It’s easier to maintain an erection on an empty stomach and when he is well rested. You may want to get up first and refresh a little, stretch, urinate and then go back to bed and kiss and cuddle for a few minutes. The man will generally be ready to get on with it, while the woman needs to take a little more time to open.
For beginning couples, those who are trying to move away from conventional sex, it may still require little bit of direct (slow and gentle) clitoral stimulation with the penis, before she’ll be ready to tenderly “plug in”. The Scissors position is generally a good way to start out because the man can lie on his side while she is on her back. This position is good for maintaining eye contact, and the man can gently touch and hold the woman’s breasts.
For a man, learning Karezza is easy once he appreciates the importance of being a sender of life force energy. Behind this “sending” is something more fundamental, and that is the role of serving. Rather than driving toward his own orgasmic release as in conventional lovemaking, in Karezza, the man stays serving the woman. In other words, the “sending becomes the serving.” Obviously a man can serve a woman in conventional orgasmic mating sex too, but at some point he’ll inevitably veer off and start serving his own orgasmic release. When the man holds firm to his serving role and gives her everything she wants for as long as she wants, the deeper part of the woman can freely open up and flower.
A woman should be given the opportunity to open to the depths of the love and bonding she really craves. She needs the gift of a man’s time and devotion in sexual union, so she can discover these treasures for herself, without the requirement or pressure of orgasm. Many females report that in conventional sex with orgasm as the primary goal, they never have the time needed to explore their deepest longings. Most men assume that a woman is getting everything she needs through peak orgasm. Many women have adopted this belief as well. But what if there is something more to the sexual experience for a woman; something that can only be experienced through slow, sensual and calm arousal, a sense of timeless expansion in the present moment?
Within this deeper opening are all the feminine gifts a man craves as well. But to receive and experience this deep level of fulfillment he must willingly give up his goal of personal release. Ironically, to serve the woman sexually ends up serving both the man and the woman. It’s a great paradox of life: give up one of life’s most intense pleasures, and a world of infinitely deeper, more meaningful pleasure opens up. It’s the joy of being conscious together in the present moment, with no goals, no thoughts, just the simplicity of exchanging life force energy.
Throughout life, a woman is built to be a giver and nurturer. But in the realm of sexual experience, she is the goddess. She is built to receive. And in this regard men are built to give. This is what the practice of Karezza embodies. Through the act of honoring the woman, the divine feminine that she is, the man fulfills his role and receives what he truly yearns for. But to truly offer his gift, he must first be able to control his ejaculation.
To complete the woman in this way, he must learn to give her an extended period of time where she can relax, open up and enjoy her pleasure plateau for as long as she wants. During sexual intercourse, he hands the sexual reins over to her and allows her to be in control. Eventually she will begin to trust her own power and invite the delightful sensations to awaken in her vagina. In time, the woman will unlock her feminine energy and allow it to flow back toward the man.
A woman is naturally built to receive in the sexual exchange, but to achieve this, she needs the space and extended time to open and expand. In our experience, women love this form of sex because it truly fulfills their sexual needs. On the other hand, male oriented orgasmic sex does not fulfill this longing for most women. It just doesn’t last long enough to truly satisfy them.
And even though most of us like the experience of intense peak orgasm, the fact is, it doesn’t like us. This biological program doesn’t really care if we are happy and fulfilled. And it certainly doesn’t care if we are consequently depleted, tired and groggy afterward. All it cares about is that we do it often enough to increase the chances of our sperm fertilizing as many eggs as possible. This improves the likelihood that some of our genetic information will survive into the future.
Whether or not we use birth control doesn’t really matter. We’re still going through the motions of fertilization driven sex, “acting” out the program through the process of mating. A man may not be conscious of this dynamic, but nevertheless, his brain interprets the act of copulation in this way, and so the urge to emit semen is strong.
We may tell ourselves, “It’s okay to come; I’m making love to this woman”. But what we may not realize is that we’re really after a reward in a primitive part of the brain. Having an intense orgasm gives us a squirt of dopamine (the ‘pleasure’ neurochemical) which provides a temporary sensation of euphoria. This is really all the motivation we need to want to do it again and again. In most cases, this addictive behavior is all that’s actually going on between men and women. It’s about getting a spike of dopamine, the addiction chemical, in the brain and not about giving love.
Having sex with a woman just to ejaculate and feel “release” is not about giving her what she needs. Being “fertilized” does not really register in the heart of a woman as an “act of love”. She won’t experience the deep bonding she needs to let her rivers of passion break free and flow on to the ocean of expanded joy, where love can truly grow. For men and women, love is found on a higher dimension, a different frequency. The experience of Karezza is the bridge to that higher dimension.
Engaging in casual hot mating sex is fine if all you care about is going to a bar room, hooking up with a novel woman and getting a quick brain spike - so is internet porn, drug and alcohol addiction, smoking, bungee-jumping, roller coaster rides, compulsive gambling, etc. The key word here is “getting”. If the only reason we want to engage in sex with women is to get something for ourselves, then we can be assured it’s going to eventually become disappointing and unfulfilling.
Also, the older we get, with decreasing hormones, the harder it is to feel satisfied. There’s always going to be that feeling of, “something just doesn’t feel right, I need to do it again.” And it’s the reason why after “getting some” a lot of men generally pull away, feel uninterested and are ready to move on to another fertilization opportunity. The mating program sends out a signal which says, in effect, “Great, you fertilized that one, now go find another.” It is an agenda that has no end, a classic form of “seek but do not find.”
In Karezza, the experience is different. Now it becomes, “seek, find and enjoy it without end.” This may be very difficult to comprehend, especially at the beginning, but it must be said again and again, sex without the goal of orgasm is unbelievably wonderful and fulfilling. It is as if life is really all about the sensual pleasure of the flow of life force energy. Reuniting the male and female genitals in this way brings about a kind of spiritual communication link.
As mentioned before, the fundamental problem with conventional sex between a man and a woman comes down to the fact that ‘getting’ from another never truly fulfills us. Intuitively, we know at a deep level that it is in our best interest to give. It is far more satisfying to build bonding connections with each other and support systems that enable us to thrive.
As biological, separate beings, we’re pre-programmed to survive and flourish, and the first rule of the ego is this: “I’ve got to get what I lack from someone or something outside of me.” But, once we see through this dynamic, we can choose another way. We can choose fulfillment and joy in sexual relationship by giving selflessly to another person. Because if it’s not about giving, then it’s about using, grabbing, taking, usurping – and ultimately its’ going to lead to feelings of dissatisfaction. And as a result, we will eventually begin to feel that someone is trying to use us. For example, some men use women for sexual release, and some women use men for security (baby gravy and paychecks).
Fortunately though, there is another way and the secret is in the bonding neurochemical called oxytocin, also called the “love hormone”, which we acquire naturally when we bond with another person through giving, sharing, kissing, cuddling and most of all, non-goal oriented sex.
Isn’t that interesting? The neurochemical responsible for true feelings of fulfillment and happiness comes from selfless activities and giving love unconditionally to another person. But it takes time to develop the receptors in the brain necessary to experience this. It doesn’t happen over night. It takes an investment of time spent giving to a partner before the effects start to manifest.
On the other hand, dopamine (the ‘I got to have it’ chemical) is easy to get, especially in modern society. There are many ways to spike our brains with steady squirts of dopamine, such as fatty high-calorie foods, alcohol, pornography, masturbation, cocaine, methamphetamines, cigarettes, compulsive gambling, etc. If we want to turn our lives around and experience something higher and better on this planet, we need to practice the wisdom of establishing bonding behaviors with others.
Some Common Concerns about Karezza Answered
1: “Karezza doesn’t do anything for me or the woman”
As mentioned before, here again is an example that one may be thinking that Karezza sex is a way of getting something, a way to supply a lack or achieve a future goal by using someone or something outside ourselves. So if being mindful in the Now through affection, cuddling, kissing and gentle intercourse is not enjoyable to you, then the problem is simple - you’re not in the present moment; you’re not really there with your partner. You’re down the road in your mind, off in the future, trying to get somewhere else (orgasm perhaps?).
But in Karezza sex, man’s function should be focused on sending the universal life-force energy from his positively charged sexual center, thru his penis, into the woman’s negatively charged vagina. Rather than serving his own orgasmic release, as in conventional lovemaking, he serves his woman with loving awareness and attention. He holds the space for her to open to arousal and awaken sexually. So if you want Karezza sex to do something for you, then allow the energy to flow through you rather than discharging it out through orgasmic release.
2: “If I try Karezza, she’ll think I’m a dud in bed…”
In the previous article, (Karezza in Four Easy Steps) we suggested the idea of being perfectly still during intercourse. Some readers felt this was too restrictive. The instruction wasn’t meant to imply that this is the ultimate end-all way to do it. It was intended to be advice for beginners, for men who have no experience in ejaculation control.
As stated before, a man’s primary aim in Karezza is simple: avoid getting sexually heated up to the point where you feel the need to climax. That’s it! It might take up to three months before you can get past the itch to ejaculate. Eventually the primal urge will go away all together and you’ll be in a position where you can serve your woman sexually. If you have an occasional slip – no big deal.
When the temptation to “come” is gone you’ll discover that you can last until she’s ready for it to end. And even though you get out of bed and go about the day, the enjoyable feelings continue on. If your woman comes up to you and starts kissing you again, you can resume making love without any sense of frustration or boredom. Is that the sign of a dud?
This is the most wonderful thing to experience because you discover that you never get tired of your woman. She looks attractive to you all the time and you want to be with her, you want to love her and give her your attention and affection. It is a miracle that a man can feel this way. But again, this can’t happen if you are thinking “I want to have sex with her because I need release” or “I want to give her an orgasm so I’ll feel like I’m a stud.”
Non-orgasmic Karezza sex is a way to offer a woman what she really craves, which is the strength of masculine presence, and enough time for her to discover what she really wants and needs. And a man can give her this through sexual bonding. (If you want to know more about the science behind this, be sure to read the articles at www.reuniting.info).
3: “Masturbation and ejaculation are good for you. Besides, if you don’t have an orgasm, pressure will build up and damage your prostate…”
Excessive masturbation and ejaculation are not good for you and there is no real evidence that doing it supports prostate health. In fact, the older a man gets, the worse it is to masturbate too much. Ancient cultures knew this, but it seems today that, as a civilized society, we’ve lost this fundamental wisdom. And because of the prevalence of high speed pornographic images on the internet, the quick availability of prostitutes and the social acceptance of unbridled promiscuity, the consequences are even more tragic than in any other time in human history. Men are ejaculating recklessly and few question the long term physical, psychological and sociological impact this will cause on future generations.
As stated before, a man’s proper role in relation to a woman is to “send” biogenic, life-force energy into her during sexual intercourse. This “male” energy occurs naturally, yet it is most noticeable and flows easily when a man stops habitually masturbating, which is a reckless depleting of his own store of vital energy.
When I [one of the authors] stopped the compulsion to self-ejaculate, it produced profound changes in my awareness and attitude concerning the significance of the divine interplay between the penis and the vagina. After that, I realized that completely giving up masturbation and practicing Karezza was the key to unlocking the greatest source of happiness, fulfillment and sense of unity with the Source of Life.
4: “If I don’t orgasm, how will I know when the sex is over?”
As far as timing goes, it is best to let the woman choose the ending. Since woman is at the center of the sexual experience and it’s her domain, whenever a man follows her lead concerning the ending, it is likely that she will remain more open. Generally, when a man pushes for it to go on a little longer she closes down somewhat. It causes a kind of unsettling disconnect.
One woman recommends:
As far as length of time, you'll just “know” when it's time to end. You might have something you need to do, or you both might just feel happy and satisfied, or you might need to stop because you are getting too close to orgasm (I don't like stopping like that. I like for him to stay inside me until his penis is soft and then we gently part).
Here a man shares his experience:
Personally, even though my wife and I go on for a good while, I almost always feel that I could go on longer. I feel like there's something in my masculine nature that is built to serve, and as long as she wants me inside her I can keep going. So in that regard, without orgasm, there is no end except when she wants it to end. When she's done, I'm done. I could say we both sense the end together but if I'm honest with myself, I am really sensing her end and know it’s time for me to end with her.
In conventional sex, a man is “done” when he can no longer maintain an erection or when he falls asleep from exhaustion. Pharmaceutical companies have figured out how to get rich by promoting and supplying chemicals to men to increase blood flow to the penis, but this is not a long term solution. The risks and side effects from using these kinds of drugs are dangerous, if not life-threatening.
In truth, almost any man who is willing to make a few simple lifestyle changes can improve the quality of his health, which will enhance and improve his sexual ability as well. Some basic improvements are: eating a wholesome diet which includes whole grains, lots of raw leafy green vegetables, nuts, fruits and plenty of filtered water. Reduce the use of prescription drugs, avoid white flour, white sugar, genetically modified foods, (especially corn and corn syrup), unhealthy forms of fat, such as hydrogenated oils, trans-fats, etc., and reduce consumption of too many non-organic animal products. Include regular detoxification, occasional fasting, adequate sleep, moderate exercise, exposure to fresh air, sunshine, moderation of alcohol, caffeine and so on.
Any enhancement in overall health, as well as losing unnecessary weight, will produce improvement in sexual satisfaction and performance. For that reason, it’s wise to take note of a couple of other helpful issues: Try not to make love on a full stomach. It is difficult to control yourself sexually if your body has to use energy to digest food. It’s wise to not make love until 4 or 5 hours after a big meal. Also, avoid too much alcohol if you’re going to have sex because the booze will numb your sensitivity and will either cause you to ejaculate quickly or reduce your ability to feel the subtle energy exchanges. Too much alcohol consumption stimulates a spike in dopamine and tends to make a person slip back into the “getting” mode.
5: “I find it hard to resist the urge to thrust”.
In the beginning of Karezza practice, the old mating program may have a strong foothold and so it will require patience and time to reprogram the temptation to go after a peak orgasm. Often a man may feel the need to rapidly pump his penis inside the woman. If he is lying still during intercourse and unable to feel sensitivity in his penis, he may unconsciously suffer an urge to quickly move it in and out. If he hasn’t mastered the itch to ejaculate and he pushes into her too hard, it may cause the woman to tense up because of the pain. Or, she may squeeze down on his penis, triggering her own desire for release as well.
When a woman tightens her vaginal muscles, she is creating tension; therefore she’s not opening her body or her heart. Then the energy between the couple starts to diminish. The whole point here is to get to a deep level of relaxation so the living current can naturally pulsate and move between them. But to really enjoy it for an extended period of time, they must first learn to loosen up. They need to allow the subtle energy of the awakening process in their genitals to occur easily and slowly without trying to make anything happen. It helps to focus on the now moment and not allow your thoughts to carry you away into the past or future.
It’s perfectly fine to feel pleasure. In fact, that is the point. And as a man and woman make love more often, they arrive at a level of familiarity with each other and develop higher skill. Then they can change positions often, caress each other affectionately, roll around effortlessly, slowly move the penis in and out, kiss, and embrace, anything and everything. They can ride to the edge and glide back down again, creating ever higher levels of joy, sensitivity and pleasure.
Along with a greater depth of feeling and pleasure, Karezza style lovemaking maintains the connection between partners long after the act. This isn’t necessarily true with conventional goal oriented sex, because it builds a charge of attraction through stimulation and then releases it through orgasm. This release breaks the attraction and signals a feeling of disconnection. Couples then have to wait a period of time until the attraction builds enough to create a renewed desire for connection, only to be released again through orgasm. It is a cycle that continually repeats itself over and over.
Engaging in slow sex without orgasm, however, allows the connection to remain and grow. It is in this envelope of connection that the deepest pleasure of the sexual interaction exists. The act of lovemaking never completely ends. Instead, it continually rises and falls like waves on the ocean. As partners go about their daily activities, the attraction and connection stays, usually at a quieter level – but it is easily rekindled when they come back together again. Over time this continuum of connection builds a deeper sense of intimacy between partners, something most couples long for, but do not know how to achieve.
It needs to be understood that there are great benefits for a woman in Karezza. One of the most important benefits is time. It has been said that man is like fire and woman is like water. She needs time to warm up and slowly melt into her pleasure. Without peak orgasm, couples naturally engage in sexual pleasure for a much longer time, giving the woman the kind of environment she needs to discover her sexual self. A woman needs extended time to fully open to her own pleasure.
As long as a man can hold the “space” by avoiding ejaculation, he can stimulate her as much as she desires, as well as be a sender of energy to the woman. When she begins to experience this for herself, she is transformed. Then, what she receives is sent back to the man, and this harmonic, synergistic energy becomes the most profound experience for both. This is the way nature intended it to be. It establishes harmony, well-being, and a sense of completion between man and woman.