I am not naturally attracted to my wife. I know that's a weird thing to say, but it's true. Animal attraction isn't the basis of our relationship: I love her, and I want to be with her, because she's a wonderful person, very intelligent, loyal, and honest.
That said, I need to work at this sex thing. I mean, it's not that I have a low drive, but that feeling attraction to my wife requires intentional action on my part... which makes rejection even more discouraging.
A few days ago we had sex. Regular sex, and yes, I did orgasm. But then I decided I want to really try to make thing work with Karezza, which means two things for me: (1) Have sex more often, and (2) don't orgasm.
So yesterday I decided I want to have sex again. We actually discussed it right after the last time we had sex. She said sure, but that I would have to be the one to initiate. So, I did. I started with a relaxing massage -- with lots of love, and it wasn't a brush-off. It was around ten minutes of massaging her, both fully clothed, the way she likes it.
I then took off her shirt and started gently stroking her back, which is another thing she likes. She was very passive (relaxed from the massage, I guess, which is fine). She just lay there quietly as I did this.
A few moments later, I wanted to take things farther and wanted her to turn over so that we could have sex. That's when she expressed reluctance -- she simply didn't want to. I mean, I tried gently turning her over, and she made sounds that basically said "no." She understood what I wanted, and didn't want the same thing. So, rather than force the issue (very counter productive, obviously), I decided to stop.
At this point, I wasn't particularly aroused. I was feeling like I'm giving and giving, and there's no reciprocation. So, I just gently covered her with the blanket and let her rest while I lay beside her. I was feeling rejected and discouraged, but I wasn't angry with her.
A few moments later she got dressed and we both started reading, which is what we generally do before going to sleep. She then turned in and I kept reading, until she complained about the light and I turned in as well. I really didn't feel like touching her at all, but she put her hand on me.
This morning I woke up feeling kind of sad, which is something that happens when there's too little karezza (I think that's why, at least). I didn't pay too much mind to it, though, not wanting to make it into a big deal. I was then standing by the kitchen holding some food, telling her a story of something nice that happened (pretty upbeat)... and then I dropped the food on the floor, making a mess.
Of course I went to clean it, but she didn't like the way I was doing it, saying I was "lazy" for not getting the vaccum out. She wasn't mad or anything, but it wasn't a great feeling for me.
I finished cleaning up and went reading (we both didn't have to leave for work right away). She then asked, "if we have sex now, will you stop being sad?" -- I didn't know what to say to that. Yes, I was (am?) a bit sad, but that's definitely not what should be driving our sex. I said no, and she asked what happened.
I really didn't want to make it into a big deal, so I said nothing happened and I'm fine. Starting to blame her for things wasn't going to solve anything. However, turns out that telling her everything's okay wasn't going to cut it, either: She sensed I was introverted or sad, and started feeling guitly about it. Then she got mad at me, blaming me for not telling her what was wrong, etc. etc. By that time she had to leave home for work, so she just left in a huff, mad at me.
This is pretty frustrating. What am I supposed to do? Tell her, yes, I'm sad because yesterday you didn't want to have sex? That's not going to be productive. Or keep forcing myself, just like I force myself to initiate? So, force myself to act happy? That feels fake, and a lie.