Victory is closer than you think

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Submitted by korejung on
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Hi guys,

I know this has been said before, but I too am sorry if I was not around to converse with people much on the topic of rebooting. I just wanted to drop a line because something that seemed almost impossible for me became possible again and I think my story would benefit those who are really stuck and unsure of how things are heading.

I used to be a porn addict and chronic masturbator for about 9 years. I suffered from HOCD and could not perform many times when I was in bed with women (ED). It was usually a hit and miss. I've been trying to reboot for the past year now and have relapsed countless times. I have abstained for a month 3 times before I would hit the relapse cycle again. Many times I was able to go for a week or two at a time.

I have to say this was an arduous task. I wanted to give up many times and the thought of approaching another woman just seemed horrific to me. The idea of believing you still have it for women when really you don't (physically) just confused me when it was bed time. I really thought I lost hope.

The one thing that turned it around was just to keep pushing forward when I started to doubt myself. After about 11 months into the reboot I was just at a month of abstaining. The idea of waiting for 3 months (standard I suppose) and then to approach women seemed like a real challenge but I couldn't wait that long. The HOCD and the fact that I wanted to return to norm was always attacking me on a mental level to always test. I had so many sporadic thoughts that would cause me to sweat and feel very anxious at random times.

As of today, after the 5th attempt starting in month 11, I have finally been able to keep an erection for 75% of the time but when vaginal intercourse came, I was 100%. I abstained for 1 month leading up to this event. I guess 3 months is not really necessary. I felt so great and relieved afterwards. Truly the 4 times before I could not perform within that month really did a number on me. Even though I felt defeated every time. I kept coming back.

My advice to anyone out there is keep pushing through the storm. I had HOCD thoughts racing through my head every time before I met with women. I even imagined having sex with them in my head just to get an erection beforehand. With no response down there and only fear seemingly being the only emotion taking over, I still went to meet the women. So I would say two things. One is that if you believe your straight and you want your life back, you better take it back because life is not going to be waiting on you. Second is, be with a women you like, even if you do not have an erection around her or feel that aroused by her. Trust your heart when you get to know the girl you like. If you thought she was pretty when you first saw her but felt nothing down there, don't fear. You just need time. This is how I felt. Make sure she knows a bit of your situation as well (at least if you can't perform. If you can however, no need to mention your problems I guess). It's always easier to be aroused by women who are understanding.

Oh yeah, one more thing. After the feeling of victory and high self esteem, the HOCD thoughts slowly started to creep in again but have drastically been weakened. My advice on this is meditation. Always visualize or imagine what you are and say it in your head and picture the word. This will train you to change your thinking one day at a time.

Also I want to give my thanks to Marnia. She is a really nice and caring person. Every little bit counted on this journey to self-sanity. And I thank her for doing a great job of encouraging others as she has done for me.

Thank you guys. And thank you YBOP.

Victory is closer than you think. Don't think it will happen one day, just believe it will happen soon.

Good luck and happy gaming.


Congratulations on your progress

You guys are so brave. It's really hard to deal with such powerful deceptive thoughts and keep rolling. Well done. I'll add your story to the HOCD page and reboots.

My guess is that the unwanted thoughts will still crop up from time to time...less and less frequently.

Testing, of course, doesn't help. Did you see this? Exposure Therapy for HOCD?



Thank you guys.

Yes Marnia, I have read that article. Testing sure can be the trigger to damage self esteem. However, I believe there are two kinds of testing now. One that can make you or one that can break you. I believe going out to test yourself with women so you can feel made is a great way to get back into the game or introduce yourself to it if it's your first time.

The testing I believe that breaks a person is the one that is counterproductive or contrasting in nature to self identity. Even though I had HOCD (sometimes mild and severe), deep down I knew I always loved girls from my youth. So to feel nothing around women at the time did sometimes cause me to test in the contrasting way.

The testing that reinvigorated me, made me. The testing that was contrasting to my nature, hurt me. So I think people should test, but only in the desired direction they seek.

And yes, the unwanted thoughts still crop up time to time but are becoming so mild and insignificant, I can still focus in present environments and still have fun talking with women and people.

The biggest asset on this journey was my meditation. Words are truly powerful. Now I see firsthand.

I would ask though; do you know any other good forms of meditation? Does yoga count? I do not know if I like yoga but it seems like a form a meditation to me. I think I need to find something that is really soothing and tranquil for my heart.

Sometimes I feel like my heart is racing and warming up internally at a rapid rate. Yet when I count my pulse, it is at 68 bpm, which is pretty normal. Yet I don't know why I feel so uneasy sometimes. This feeling seems different from HOCD. It's just a weird sensation.

Two types of testing

That's an interesting concept, about the two types of testing. Yes, the type of testing to "see if you like it" or which you would prefer (in the context of HOCD testing) only seems to lead you down a deep dark hole with no answers.

And I appreciate what you've said in this thread about how testing triggers damage to the self-esteem. I wonder sometimes if HOCD is really tied in to self-esteem as you really doubt who you are and feel helpless and so unsure. It seems to be the opposite of confidence.

And I'm usually a pretty confident person, but I do have that internal doubting mechanism that some people have, and it went haywire with HOCD.

I think things that help your self-esteem help your HOCD. For me I've found that really getting out and living life, being around friends and family, playing sports, just living a dynamic life makes me feel more authentic and gives me more self-esteem. And staying away from those HOCD message boards, or any other form of compulsive checking, has really been a good thing for me too.

Thanks for sharing your experiences. As Marina says, the HOCD thing can be a real bear, the more information we have about it the better.


It's turning out that

shame, depression and confidence are pretty much strictly "neurochemical" in many people. In other words, seeking for "issues" is just a red herring. The most effective solution is to restore balance in the brain.

Did you ever read this experiment? It's the fastest way to understand why guys who get their dopamine signaling back to normal (for them) so often see improvement in anxiety (of all kinds), depression, confidence and "shame."

The only reason we humans don't figure this out (that overconsumption of superstimuli screws us up) is because porn (like any addiction) causes "creeping loss of dopamine signaling" in those so affected, as opposed to acute loss (as in this experiment).

By the same token, to really see if sorting this out is the source of an individual's particular condition requires "acute improvement," if you will. Compromise muddies the water and allows rationalizations to creep in. But we're human, so this is normal too. Smile

I'm not sure

how big of a dose 4.5 g of AMPT is, but it's pretty crazy how even a healthy person could suffer negative consequences from a seemingly minor drop in dopamine.

It would be sad if the 21 year old had intercourse with a women for the first time only to feel those harsh effects afterwards.

How is it possible someone could suffer so bad from such a test?

Oh for sure

if a man frequently does ejaculate then I could see some problems arise. I thought that this experiment was just a small dose dopamine drop equivalent to maybe having sex with a woman one time. Maybe if you have sex too much with women on a frequent basis I could see the same problems arise.

Are you a scientist researcher by the way?

The researchers

used a drug that created a really powerful effect of depleted dopamine. Sex wouldn't cause that...unless someone was already so depleted that sex left him in a similar state. Alas, with Internet porn some guys seriously overdo the ejaculation, which may help explain similar symptoms.

Gary is a physiology teacher, not a researcher. He analyzes and teaches science. He's the source of all the research on this site and on his site, YBOP:

I think I understand...

[quote=Marnia]The only reason we humans don't figure this out (that overconsumption of superstimuli screws us up) is because porn (like any addiction) causes "creeping loss of dopamine signaling" in those so affected, as opposed to acute loss (as in this experiment).By the same token, to really see if sorting this out is the source of an individual's particular condition requires "acute improvement," if you will. Compromise muddies the water and allows rationalizations to creep in. But we're human, so this is normal too. :-)[/quote]

Ah, so the changes are so incremental (in both directions) we don't notice them right away, they take some time to build up.

Though I don't quite follow you here "Compromise muddies the water and allows rationalizations to creep in." Could you explain that one?

I certainly think I qualify for overstimulation for a decade-long PMO habit.

I mean that

you can assess what caused your problems more easily if you are consistent in your experiments. So, for example, if you want to try karezza to see what effects it will have on your HOCD, be consistent with it. Otherwise, you'll get mixed results and rationalize that your anxiety is coming from other sources.

Mind's possible it does come from other sources. But my point is that you'll never know if you're not consistent.

oh yeah

I have just re-edited my post. I am honored you would add my story on YBOP, so I have made sure the text is clear and easy to understand. There were a few typos and spelling problems I had to correct.

That's an interesting concept

We'll add it to your post. This HOCD is such a tough challenge for some guys that we collect and share all the useful tips we can.

That's how the guys here cracked the porn-induced ED sharing their approaches and discussing what helped and what didin't.

About meditation, I think you have to find what works. I've collected lots of suggested meditations here: Meditation

Some people swear by yoga, tai chi and qigong. The right answer is whatever works best for you.