Developing trust...and a deadline

Submitted by kuaka on
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or at least trying to. My wife is resisting my efforts to reconnect with her sexually. I don't blame her. For years I complained to her for not contributing to our sexual activities more...mostly being a passive recipient of my efforts. I would be the one getting her off, and I would be the one getting me off too. Of course, being rather desensitized by PMO, expecting her to get me off was not exactly reasonable.

Once getting off is no longer the focus, I feel no resentment towards her for the effort I put into our physical relationship. I gave her a much needed massage today, and will offer to do so daily. She's not quite buying it yet though...my not having expectations of equal effort on her part that is, but I have hope.

She has wanted to give up on us more than once in the last couple of years, but I have resisted. I have given her a deadline of sorts...if by the end of the year, she does not feel like we can reconnect, I will not resist her in a divorce. I hope it doesn't get to that point.

I need to be able to perform with her sexually before then, or at least we need to make enough progress for her to not want to throw in the towel.

Besides, throwing in the towel just creates more laundry.

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so where are you at?

are you not masturbating or using porn?

Your aim is to reconnect with your wife...fantastic. Are you able to spend cuddle time with her every day? 30 minutes or so, morning and night preferably, does magic after a few weeks...

My wife is a low drive woman but she's wonderful and we have a lot of sex. I was highly dissatisfied with our marriage due to sex about two years ago but it all got fixed as I fixed myself, that is I stopped masturbating and using porn and I introduced Karezza into the relationship. It was rocky for quite a long time but I stuck with it and today it's all great.

I don't expect her to do anything different really. And that gives her space to do things differently when and if she wants to. 

I found it easy to be manipulative and needy during this time, and that backfired on me all the time. Not sure if that makes sense, but if you care to you can look back at my blog where it's painfully documented :)

Talking helped

I went through something similar. Although our relationship wasn't at risk, I had a similar obstacle in terms of getting my wife to trust that I could touch her (and be touched) without any expectations. That took about 2 weeks. It helped for me to verbalize my intentions both before a massage and during so she could understand not just what I was doing, but why I was doing it; and for her to hear my commitment to the process. It has to be about connecting, not about getting sex either now or in the future. If you can manage to make that transition in yourself, then sex will come; and when it does, you won't want to call it sex anymore - it will become "making love". That was my experience anyway.

Do you really want her? If you do, let her know. Fight for her. Apologize [sincerely] for past transgressions. Read this together with her: http://www.maleinitiative.com/six-initiatives/; that one really helped kick off the process for me and my wife. Don't be put off by needing to enter your email address - it's good stuff.

The Male Initiative

Thanks for all the shares. As a female, I feel profound relief and gratitude to the men here. It makes me teary - now to have explanations for, as well as solutions, to the huge and painful problems I've had for decades in my romantic and sexual relationships with men (every one of which did not last).

The Male Initiative has a Facebook page, too.

Namaste,
Shannon

even today

when I go over to my wife to kiss her during the day, I tell her I don't want anything from her. She feels better that I'm not expecting anything. It relaxes her. Trust is difficult when you've been needy for a long time...

I do engage in

what I call "Meditative Masturbation"...not to orgasm. Just to relax, clear the mind, allow me to focus on letting my tension go in my many trouble areas...neck, mid back, low back, feet. My mind usually races around on far too many things to meditate without some sort of low level distraction. Concentrating on low level pleasure sensations helps to relieve some of my persistent pain without the overdoing and fallout associated with using O for pain relieve, which my "drug of choice" for many years. I have never responded well to conventional pain medicines...taking about three times a normal dose AND mixing it with alcohol to have any particular effect. I fell into the P thing in an effort to continue to achieve O for pain relief, though it became increasingly difficult.

My discovery of "yourbrainonporn" and this site (actually, my wife found them) has given me the tools I need to recover. Using O for pain relief has a lot of secondary effects I wasn't allowing for...the worst being that expending my sexual energy for pain relief left me with none available for actual sex...which is a big DUH when you think about it.

No longer seeking O for pain relief leaves me with my sexual energy still available. I feel more energetic. I don't drop off to sleep at sundown anymore...though I am still mostly an early-to-bed, early-to-rise person. Getting my wife to accept the MM without O is a bit difficult, but we are making progress. I have also started swimming as a means of no-impact exercise to also assist in pain management. If you want to know just how out of shape you are, swim a few laps. I think it is going to take a combination of things for a while.

I have read through most of the initiatives...my wife has read it through. It has some very helpful information in it.

It's about sending love

You can even do this without touching her. Developing the ability to give love unconditionally is valuable in itself; that alone can improve your mood whether or not it improves hers. I feel for you though. To do that unilaterally is a massive challenge. Personally, I find it really difficult to take myself to that place when my wife is being bitchy. It always helps (at least me) when I can, but it's hard to do. I find myself dealing with my emotions and past hurts. Even that's helpful, but it sucks going through it.

If she feels the changes from you are real and trusts it, she may come around. Be patient; give it time. And she might not...you can't control that.

I have always

loved her without condition in many ways. My own sexual dysfunction impaired my ability in that area, but I spoil her in many other ways.

I make her coffee and breakfast almost every morning...except when we go out for breakfast or I am away on business.

Last year, she almost died. I forsook work and stayed with her as much as possible throughout her bouts with meningitis, c-diff and finally an intestinal infection so severe she was within minutes of having most of her intestines removed in order to save her life. This was all in about a month and half. It was bold action on the part of a new doctor in the area which enabled her to keep her intestines intact, and we are still nursing them back into proper operation. In one of those twists of fate, it was the nurse who was the ex-wife of the man my wife had a brief affair with a couple of years ago while I was away on business who brought her non-response to treatment to his attention, which prompted him into taking action which overrode hospital protocol while waiting for further tests. She would not have lived long enough for the test results to come back if he hadn't taken those extreme measures. This doctor was only in this area due to his hospital in another state being destroyed by a freak storm the year before.

What a drama

Congratulations on pulling through together.

Maybe just exchange foot massages or something, and see if you can pass on the masturbation for a bit. I know it will be hard, but it might help more of your energy flow toward her (instead of within yourself) - which is the best way to help her become more receptive. Works kind of like an electrical circuit.