Last night

Submitted by kuaka on
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was interesting. I went to bed around 9...woke up around midnight. Wife came to bed then...naked (I insisted on it). After a fairly long session of cunnilingus and other stimulation, she drifted off to sleep. I took her to a couple of "gentle" O's...trying very hard to NOT "slam her against the wall". I was extremely frustrated by my inability to become erect and simply could not get to sleep. I decided to throw a "hail Mary"...a.k.a. Viagra. I split a pill and took half of it...waited 20 minutes then worked up an erection and attempted to use it with her to no avail...I went soft immediately...didn't even wake her up. I usually suffer the side effects of Viagra of a stuffy nose and headache, which is why I split the pill. I took the other half of the pill for a total of 100mg and lie in bed wide awake for the next few hours. Medicines work very slowly for me...I absorb them very slowly. The sun started to come up, so I put a liberal amount of vasoline to use and worked up another erection. This time it held as I woke her up to PIV intercourse. I went ahead and O'd, as I was extremely frustrated...but it worked. She's a bit sore now, and sleeping on the couch. I feel much better, and even more hopeful than before.

I know that I am capable of erection without Viagra, but I needed the crutch to get over some emotional boundaries between us that make it difficult for me to remain aroused. She is understandably adamant about my sexual pleasure ONLY coming from her...but at the same time, she is unwilling/unable to take any significant effort at arousing me. I think of it a little like somebody taking an object and declaring it theirs, then putting it on a shelf. "Mine. You can't play with it, but I'm not going to either". Pretty frustrating.

My need/desire for sexual stimulation so far seems to exceed her ability/willingness to participate. We'll just have to see if we can reconcile our differences in this area.

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One of our issues

revolves around me expending all of the effort when it comes to our sex. I am supposed to be satisfied by satisfying her, which is more than a bit one sided. Historically, I have justified M by that very fact...I do her, and since she won't do me, I do me. I'm not certain we can actually get past this, but I'm certainly going to try.

I'm working on that

but it is a difficult concept to grasp...even when I scale back the concept of "satisfaction" away from O and make the "measure" simply "stimulate". It takes time to overcome the previous notion of O being the "goal"...

One thing

that I find hard to grasp is that she is more willing to forgive an actual affair than an episode of M...even if O is not in the mix. She says that if I were to experience the dissatisfaction of an actual affair it would demystify the whole concept of something being "better" sexually...I would much rather just resolve our issues without involving a third/fourth/etc party.

Her rationale

is that M has been my "lover" since I was about 5, and that if I were to experience the dissatisfaction of an actual 'lover" that I would value what we have all the more. I'm inclined to believe that it would be destructive and will therefore avoid it.

Just for reference

she is actually only the fourth actual woman I've ever had any experience with. My first was a setup by my parents with a 21 year old when I was 14 in order to "demystify" the whole experience. My second was a "failure" with this girl I kinda had the hots for. My third was my first wife, and my fourth was my current wife.

It's so interesting

the way humans get their sexual educations.

My thought is that it takes a while to get the "feel" of karezza under any circumstances, but that getting close to the edge of orgasm actually slows the process.

I'm a really goal-driven person by nature, and I found that I really had to stop that entirely...and learn how delicious bonding behaviors without any "sex" were first. I mean really wallow in them and learn to enjoy them completely without feeling you're just wasting time.

Then when you add intercourse back in, it's like the icing on the cake...instead of the only point of the whole exercise. Biggrin

Really helpful

to hear that. In my present situation, my wife isn't available for sex often enough for my liking; it's like once a week at the moment based on her job sapping her time and energy. I wasn't sure what to do about it, but having read this, I can now see that I'm still feeling a kind of goal around sex.

The trouble is, I don't know how to distinguish real sexual frustration from my unreasonable PMO-mind. It's been more than 40 days since my last O, so I'm sure I'm past the hangover ;-), but I suspect my "wrong thinking" will take longer to sort itself out.

My experience is that

eventually, events "loosen up" so that sex becomes more frequent. But she needs to find at least a minute a day for genuine snuggling with some good skin-to-skin touching. Is that happening? This isn't about becoming content with separation.

That's happening. I just

That's happening. I just need to be more patient. I have lots of good qualities, but it is genuinely a struggle for me to be infinitely patient about sex. I know that when she is ready, she'll let me know. It just feels so dis-empowering to have no say at all, like her needs are the only ones that matter. Tired is tired, so I can't expect her to just buck up and do it; and I don't want her to do that when she's not feeling it either. It's just frustration.

In the past, I would use PMO to relieve that frustration. I'm not doing that anymore, so I'm in new, unfamiliar territory...

this is very true Marnia

In my experience it took a good 18 months to really reach a happy equilibrium. 

It's a trust problem.

She felt a huge burden on her to "give" when I wanted sex. And I felt a huge burden to have sex with her.

I didn't trust she'd invite me. And she didn't trust that I would be okay "just cuddling".

Now we have sex more often than that, and there is very little tension around it. A little still. But not much. Because inside I'm not feeling pressure-y, and she senses that.

We spend time every day doing all that bonding stuff. Every day. Unless I'm on a trip. And I'm not looking for it to turn sexual. And I'm waiting for her invitation mostly these days. And I get invited quite a lot. 

Like I said, a good 18 months for us.