Yet another relapse. I'm very frustrated because a short time ago, I thought I was making real progress. I went 44 days with no PMO recently, but my last two attempts were only 11 and 13 days respectively. No! I'm not supposed to be going backwards!
What makes it so frustrating is that I feel I literally can do nothing more about it than I already am, which isn't enough. It's not that I don't know the solution--I know it very well; for me, the solution is absolutely to build meaningful relationships with other people. I have noticed a direct correlation between my frequency of relapses vs. amount of loneliness. But I can't magically make a deep fulfilling relationship appear. I do what I can to draw others towards me, but there's no accounting for whether they choose to reciprocate. And when they don't reciprocate, what more can I possibly do?
A few months ago, I became friends with Scholar Girl. I wasn't interested in dating her, but we had some important things in common and she proved to be a valued friend. I even told her about PMO, and she was supportive. She trusted me with many personal secrets of hers as well, and I was similarly supportive. We had this special kind of trust happening. As a result of just this one friendship, I made it 44 days free of PMO, a lifetime record. Unfortunately, Scholar Girl has vanished. For reasons beyond my understanding, she is not communicating with me anymore. I'm not going to push it because frankly I'm not interested in chasing one-way friendships, but it's very sad. Easy come easy go, I guess.
When you can't have meaningful friendships, then what else is there? We all know we can't stop PMO by ourselves. We also know that being mired in PMO makes us pretty unappealing to other people, making it harder to make new friends. I admit I am totally stumped here, I have no idea how to get past this. Thanks for reading.