Weird social situation

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Submitted by kurisu on
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By now, it's no secret that I deal with a lot of repressed anger and emotion that comes out in unintended ways. My struggle now is to become well enough to at least function in society, so that I can get a job and afford the additional healing that I need.

Something happened to me recently that I can't wrap my head around. I got contacted out of the blue by a woman I'd never met--the wife of a former classmate--who said she sensed the sadness and negative tone in my recent facebook posts and blatantly offered me her friendship if I needed it. I explained to her that while I don't try to sound so negative, my current state of mind doesn't give me very much control over my emotions right now. This should have been a dream come true for someone like me who finds it hard to make friends, but it seems like something isn't quite right. I met up with her at a coffee shop where we got to know each other a little. She not only paid for my sandwich but she brought me flowers too. How often does a man get flowers?? I've never received flowers from anyone before. I was absolutely out of my comfort zone that night. Later we met up with her husband and went out to eat, where we paid for ourselves. I've hung out with the two of them a 2nd time since then, but I don't feel any personal connection with them and I don't think we can become great friends.

However, now she is telling me she wants to buy me something else, and she asked for my shirt size. This is starting to toss up red flags for me. On the one hand, I would love to take her up on her spontaneous generosity and compassion, because I really could use that right now. On the other hand...this kind of thing simply does not happen to me. People don't approach me out of the blue (unless they're selling something), and they certainly don't just start spending money on me with no warranted behavior on my part. I have no job, I can't pay her back or offer her anything of equal value in return. My emotions are out of control too, so I doubt I could offer her meaningful emotional support either. My instincts wonder what she may be hiding.

Another thing to consider is that I have had several other friendships begin in an eerily similar way. It's always a woman, slightly older than me, contacting me out of the blue, and offering her friendship to me for no apparent reason, getting too close too quickly.

All of the previous ones have ended badly.

Is this really nothing to worry about? Is this just my lizard-brain overreacting with paranoia? Or, is there a real cause for concern here? Do I give off a vibe that attracts a certain type of predatory woman? I have no idea. I'm maintaining contact but keeping her at arm's length for now. Yes, an affair is the first thing I thought of too, which is why I told her I wouldn't meet her unless her husband was okay with it. He was okay with it. But I'm not sure that I am, and I can't fully identify why.

I don't expect answers, this is just a blog entry for my own benefit. But if you do have insights, I would appreciate them!


It does sound kind of strange

I'd definitely get a bit worried if a woman I didn't know started buying me flowers and clothes. Remember it's not generosity to give to someone who doesn't want it. Of course you're the only one who can judge in this particular case.

While it's helpful to have social interaction you don't have to settle for something that seems weird or makes you uncomfortable. And there's no rush, right? You can get to know lots of people and move towards those that you feel comfortable around.

Meeting people you resonate with is like coming home after being away for many, many years. You'll feel relaxed, at peace and be able to speak simply and honestly with them.

You're right,

It's true that we don't have to settle for a friendship we don't want. She might be doing these things for me in order to force some sense of obligation or guilt in me so that I don't leave. In any case, I'll have a talk with her and tell her that this is very uncomfortable and that I'd prefer to limit it to talking/hanging out at this point.

Sounds strange to me too

I think if I was in that situation, I would try to talk to the husband when the wife was not present and ask him what's going on. Why is the wife offering to buy stuff for you? Did she ask him if it was OK to contact you, or did she just say it was OK with him without asking him?

I'm also wondering, is she older than her husband? Does it seem like she's the boss in that marriage?

One thing that occurred to me - I have no idea if this is true, of course - is that maybe they have an open marriage and are polyamourous.

I'd be curious to know what you find out and hear how the situation develops.

Regarding some of the previous older women, did they seem sort of motherly to you? If so, and you are not wanting another mother in your life, that might explain why those relationships went badly.

Thanks for your insights

It's still too early for me to tell what kind of person the wife is or what kind of lifestyle they lead, but frankly, it's looking shady from the start. I don't like it when one member of a married couple engages me without the other, because that reeks of an unhappy or unbalanced marriage, and in no way am I getting dragged into that.

As for those previous women I mentioned, I think there was an element of codependency that I wasn't aware of at the time. For whatever reason, I was unconsciously drawn to emotionally damaged people. They saw me as a loyal friend figure or a shoulder to cry on, even just a target for their emotional bloodsucking. But once they realized I would not play that game, they became disgusted with me and left. Now that I know, I refuse to repeat that pattern again.

Heh... I think I just answered my own question.