Hangovers?

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Submitted by LB on
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I've read CPA and understand the concepts of the orgasm hangover and the Coolidge Effect. Strange, I have not experienced either of those in my relationship since switching to non-goal driven, conscious love making. We still orgasm but neither of us seem to be experiencing ill effects. And as I mentioned, he has been able to change his style of orgasm to one that is more directed within instead of a dumping of energy without. If anything, we seem more into each other all the time. And my husband has never had the stereotypical reaction of rolling over with disinterest and sleepiness after orgasm. We cuddle, talk, etc. We're tired after but we also make love at the end of the day more often than not. And even when we fall asleep we do so touching, holding hands, etc. So, I'm wondering why this wouldn't effect us in the same way it seems to effect some others. Different levels of hormones? Higher levels of Oxytocin? Perhaps it will creep in on us eventually, but so far so good. Anyone else have similar experiences?

EDIT* I just had a thought. Because the drive for orgasm is an unconscious animalistic desire, could it be that orgasm brings out emotion we have yet to deal with - or yet to become conscious of? If we become aware and deal with these things on a real world level, understanding and having compassion for ourselves and our partners until all that is left is love - then perhaps orgasm can't have its hangover effect? Maybe all that comes about then is more love? And then if orgasm results in more emotion and more relationship struggle, we deal with that and make more room for love. Perhaps then orgasm has the power to force us into a state of emotion so we can no longer avoid dealing with the issues that can hinder the happiness of our relationships. Huh.

Little note: I'm certainly not trying to stir up a subversive pot here. Just thinking and learning as I go.

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Yes

Yes, we have a similar situation as far as not experiencing hangovers nor mood changes when orgasms come while making love consciously (and these days, mine come first and sometimes trigger his~~he can go as long as I can and then if I go over the edge I think his body decides to land in a heap of bliss right along with me).

Our main motivation for going as long as possible without orgasm is that it extinguishes that sexual charge *for a while* and we love that electricity. But that charge comes back after a good night's sleep, a day working outside, some time apart, etc. But I don't fight an orgasm that comes to me after an hour or more of making love, I just accept them and assume it is where my body wanted/needed to go (perhaps it wanted to rest and recoup!).

My opinion is the most important part of lovemaking (and of life) is to be totally present and conscious in whatever you do~~and good things will only get better.

P.S.

LB, you seem so happy and I love that you are embracing this and understanding it the way you do~~so nice to have another woman's perspective!

Rachel

I enjoy your perspective too! I think I just needed some months to digest all the information and for my husband and I to get in sync with each other. Since that's happened (many late night talks and books read later) and we're both conscious and present with each other, everything seems to have fallen into place nicely. I have very little anxiety these days and feel confident in myself and my relationship. And he is a new man. Honestly. He was able to make me feel some amazing things one night and all of sudden - boom! He's just come full circle somehow and really begun to understand what his sexuality really is and how to direct it for the most benefit of both of us. And he figured out a more tantric form of orgasm all on his own. LOL Amazing.

That's interesting

and reassuring to hear. When I was in a relationship, I didn't have the orgasm hangover effect either, but we weren't making love daily, more like weekly.

Not Sure Frequency Matters

But there is a lot of stuff involved I think. Being aware or conscious or present - or however we want to put it - can be a challenge. And being able to separate ourselves from our emotions through that level of awareness can be even more so. I think if we take the time to work on ourselves (and it's probably a life long journey) it can be so very beneficially to our partners and our level of sexual satisfaction. It opens us up to experience love as a peaceful state of being instead of some kind of emotional tornado to get swept up in.

Attitude

As a man, I have never felt exhausted after making love, even if I ejaculated. However, I have read stories by many men about wanting to go to sleep after an ejaculation so obviously it affects different people in significantly different ways.

I have decided that I am not going to worry too much about orgasms, at least for the time being. I will focus on just relaxing and enjoying the love making experience in an open and loving way.

In some of the Taoist books I have read the teachers instruct men to avoid ejaculation at all costs, even if it means having no contact with women. That is one extreme that a person can go to (if they want to). I have no interest in that level of self discipline.

At the other extreme is men who are very promiscuous and are literally ejaculating their life force away one (highly potent) spoonful at a time. I can imgaine that if you are ejaculating every day, or more than once a day then you are probably draining yourself.

I think that somewhere between those two extremes there is a happy middle ground. There is a nice ballanced point in there somewhere, which is different for each person. Within that comfort zone a man is neither depleting himself, nor fighting a war of self discilpline with his own body. He is just relaxed and comfortable.

Right now my happy balanced point is to ejaculate no more than once or twice a month. Emerson prefers to go much longer and that is great. Each man has to find his own comfort zone. I expect that over time my ejaculations will naturally start to to spread further and further apart as more and more of my energy moves at higher levels of connection. At this time last year it would have been a huge effort of will to go even one week without ejaculating. Now I can do two or three weeks easily. I have not aged enough in that time for age to be the deciding factor. There is something else going on there that I do not quite understand.

As for women, I do not notice my wife having any hangover from orgasm, but I have not asked her either. Maybe she does. The next time she has an orgasm I will note if her behavior changes over the two weeks following. In any case, she is not currently having enough orgasms to worry about it Wink

Great Insights

Thank you for sharing this. At this time my husband is still having orgasms but definitely seems to be going about it differently. There is less ejaculate most of the time than there used to be, but it's still there for sure. I think he's still not comfortable forgoing orgasm and we have been debating the pros and cons of such an idea. He doesn't chase orgasm at all in the midst of making love but can very easily (most often) decide when he's ready to do so. I keep thinking he may be on the verge of learning to orgasm without ejaculating at all and I'm exciting to watch him progress in that area. Thanks again for your thoughts.

Thanks for sharing your experience, LB

Couples definitely report less fallout when there's lots of conscious affection on a daily basis (with or without sex). Maybe you'll be lucky and not be affected...just as some women don't get PMS while others do.

The one thing I'd like to point out is that the hangover can show up as ripples many days after sex with orgasm, so it can be very tough to spot the cause-effect link. Should you notice any uncharacteristic moodiness, start tracking and see what you observe.

Meanwhile, enjoy with abandon! Wink

minor ripples

when my wife has an orgasm there are minor ripples, very noticable but not intense. It will come in the form of a little distancing behavior or desire to separate, often about 10 days after. But not bad. I think that's due to the intense bonding we do just about twice every day. It really ameliorates the orgasm fallout. They are infrequent anyway, about once a month.