Will Karezza Keep His Eyes From Wandering?

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What I'm wondering is that if avoiding sexual satiation will keep a man's eyes focused on his partner instead of all of the other women in the world that he seems to have been taught to ogle throughout his life? Those men out there who've been practicing Karezza, do you find this is your experience? Or has the way you see women not changed? Thanks in advance.



Thanks for your thoughts

I agree with you that not all men are "lookers," and that healthy family relationships are (and especially were) a major factor in the healthy balance and healthy perspecives of both males and females. I grew up with lots of those men. They were my relatives, my professors and my bosses. They tended to think of me as a daughter or mentee, more than as something to leer at. They probably noticed I was pretty, too, but more in the way that someone notices that a flower is lovely...not in the way of "storing my image and proportions up for later use."

When I began to choose mates, I noticed that more-centered men were very interested in sex and nakedness...and not at all in kinky lingerie, etc. I tended not to be very judgmental about male sexuality, but I couldn't help noticing that these guys felt like "a spring of clear water." There were no "pollutants" in their perception of me and as a result, it was very easy to please them sexually.  It's the overstimulated brains that find satisfaction more difficult...because without realizing it, they are like the sexually satiated rats in the Coolidge Effect lab. They need the novelty of a new partner, daring experience, or whatever, because they have numbed their brains to normal pleasure. That underlying feeling of lack shows up as cravings, which they mistake for genuine libido, and it all gets projected onto their sex lives, which must produce "more." Always more, if they're really hooked.

I think it helps men to understand that the Coolidge Effect is "under there," and that it (potentially) kicks in when they sexually exhaust themselves. It helps if they can spot it. And it also helps if they know some of the things that "quiet" this need for novelty (arising from an overstimulated brain).

Bonding behaviors and karezza (avoiding sexual satiety) turn its volume down. It's likely that many of our ancestors naturally found a similar balance...because of the demands of their lives and the constant pregnancies of the women. It has only been in the last 60 years that we have become convinced that our wellbeing will be increased by more orgasms, and that those joliles achieved by solo sex are as valuable as those achieved through intercourse.

My sense is that humanity is going to learn that both of those assumptions are untrue. Regular intercourse is useful, constant orgasm is not. See Women: Does Orgasm Give You a Hangover? and Men: Does Frequent Ejaculation Cause a Hangover? We are slamming into our limitations at the level of the brain via too much stimulation, and it is throwing a lot of us off balance...or even turning some of us away from sex and relationships - which could be an enormous source of wellbeing if we knew how to focus on the bonding behaviors and the connection, not the climax.

Already the research is rolling in that the benefits of sex are associated with intercourse, not masturbation. (You won't find 3 sexologists who will acknowledge that, however.) Here's a summary of the research that disproves the standard view. Needless to say, no one is looking at whether the benefits of intercourse come from the connection or the orgasm...yet. Costa.Masturbation

But back to the wonderful subject of men. Fewer and fewer men (and women) are being raised in happy homes with centered, relatively balanced parents (in part because several generations have been operating on the wrong assumptions about sex). In particular, guys are not receiving the attention of centered, unstressed mothers. All too often they have stressed, abandoned single moms instead and no healthy male role model at all. 

As you point out, this can leave guys "hungry." And a brain in search of comfort, which doesn't get it from its ideal source...will look elsewhere. In the case of many of today's guys, they're looking in the most obvious place: Internet porn. And many are numbing their brains to normal pleasure, and feeling hungrier and more dissatisfied than ever. And they don't know it, because many haven't ever experienced feelings of contentment in their family life.

It's normal for women to object to being looked at like ice cream cones all the time. But until we learn to make it easy for our mates to find the nourishment their brains are really seeking, the guys aren't going to feel like they have much choice. Sure, they can learn meditation or work it out in the gym and form a deep connection with a therapist and do some comforting re-framing of their childhood issues. Or maybe someone can shame them into hiding their activities and not looking at real women at all. (Many move in this direction automatically.)

But my point is that it will take time for couples to open their minds enough to tap the benefits of bonding-based sex. Meanwhile, they don't know where the "EXIT" is. They just know they feel bad and want to get a quick fix to relieve their misery...not realizing that it is making the world darker and darker.

I think it helps to explain to men where that urge toward novelty arises...and not make them wrong for it. It IS biologically driven...even though it doesn't tend to rear its ugly head and DEMAND attention unless someone overstimulates his brain. Trouble is...most all men are overstimulating their brains with too much orgasm right now, not to mention training themselves to need the constant dopamine drip of Internet porn (addiction).

I find it ironic that we got our sex advice from Kinsey (a closet bisexual sex addict) - and now that we've followed his advice to a "T" many men are doubting their orientations and hooked on constant sexual stimulation. Hey folks, it works! But do we really want to stay stuck in escalating addiction as a race???

I agree that it doesn't "have" to be this way, but my thought is that we have to start with where we are. My thought is that it's not useful to make men wrong for seeking comfort where it can't be found. Had we been men, we would probably have done the same. Better to share the science, such as it is, about how the Coolidge Effect works and what soothes it, and then see what they come up with as they experiment.

I think you would be absolutely amazed at the insight and wisdom of the men recovering from this blight on the websites where they're supporting each other in recovering. As their brains come into balance, they are thrilled to discover that they see women as people again, very appealing people. They also discover their inner leadership qualities, heal their social anxiety and brain fog, and their sexual tastes start to return to their fundamental inclinations. Regular sex becomes more deeply satisfying. Truly inspiring. With a little bit of knowledge, they are beginning a revolution back in the direction of sexual balance. They deserve our admiration and encouragement, not our judgments. They are performing a miracle that seemed impossible only a few short years ago.

Are you a therapist? I find that therapists have been trained to focus on issues rather than addicitons/reversible brain dysregulation. And to assume addictions are always coping mechanisms for issues. And that the issues are always the true target.

There are times when this is all absolutely true, of course. People do have issues, and therapy can help them reframe them so they aren't debilitating.

However, it's also true that people can often discover a deep sense of wholeness and safety simply by ending their addictions and using a practice like karezza to ease the defensiveness of the amygdala. Feeling nourished and comforted, they often discover the "issues" were more manageable than they thought, or that they even evaporate. It's like finding the "nourishment" the brain was always looking for, and once that's available, the other "stuff" comes to the surface to be seen from a new, healing perspective, or simply fades away.

I won't get into how this major derailment of human sexuality has also wounded women. It's just as tough for us. And it's turning a lot of us into kinds of women we don't want to be: defensive, selfish, lacking in compassion, discouraged, reaching for our own stimulants/stimuli, and even turning into addicts ourselves. It's grim. But I'm thinking that because nurturing is so soothing to us, the way out for us is to support men in getting back on track by making sure that we engage in daily bonding behaviors...come hell or high water. And hoping for the best. "Happy men, happy women, happy planet."

Thank you very much for your post. As you can see, our views are more in sync than you may have thought.

Interesting that you should

Interesting that you should mention that more balanced men seem interested less in kinks and more in nakedness and straight up sex. Yes! I have seen this in my husband very specifically. I've tried to draw his interest with lingerie and the like without much interest from him. He has always been more about making love - like the real look-you-in-the-eye lovingly sort of thing. Which is amazing and was a first time experience for me when we met. Even his fantasies, which we've discussed, seem very vanilla and all about nudity and the mechanics of sex. However, the element of novelty is still present with the images of different women. Funny enough, I think this whole issue wouldn't have been such a big deal for me if he had been interested in kinks or something else I could've explored with him. It was that he was aroused specifically by images of novel women that made me feel so undesirable and insecure. After all, I can't be anyone but me.

I want to make sure it's clear that I've never been interested in judging him. What I've attempted to do was understand him. We are both very adamant about a relationship built on compassion without judgment. While I may have been angry at the situation from time to time, I never wanted any of it to be about "right" and "wrong". In fact, I'm not interested in dictating morality at all. What I want is the tools and information necessary to have the happiest, healthiest relationship possible. And shaming him in any way is not going to get us there. Instead, it would probably repress him further and put a stop to all healthy communication.

No, I am not a therapist. :D Actually, I'm an artist - which is a bit strange perhaps considering I'm a very analytical thinker. I tend to think being an artist helps me take abstract ideas and make them make sense in a rational way. I guess I'm kind of a conundrum. Anyway, I think the psychological issues we deal with are important in terms of integrating them into our whole being. Sort of like the shadow concept of Jung. In this way, we can learn to understand and love all of ourselves instead of relegating the "darker" aspects to our subconscious where they can wreak havoc on our lives. This, of course, is very similar to Buddhist concepts of having compassion and lovingkindness for self before we can truly experience it for others. So that's where my interest in psychological and repressed emotional issues comes from.

I so agree that the way relationships are being done these days helps no one at all. It's my goal to have the best relationship possible with my husband and give our children the greatest possible example so that they too can find real love and happiness in their lives. I can only hope there are many more couples out there striving for the same goal.

As always, thank you for your words. It's been quite the journey for me these past few months. I know it's not over yet, but I feel the worst of the storm has passed thanks to the work of yourself and others on a similar mission. I'm grateful to have the opportunity to learn and grow here.

Wise woman

Yes, I'd be unnerved too. And yet, I always wonder what I'd be up to if I were male. Wink

That said, there's nothing wrong with the two of you deciding to aim for a different target for the benefit of your relationship/family. Gary has sorted me out quite a bit over the years. Smile