I'm creating this blog entry as a means of restarting a challenge I was meant to undertake from January 1st 2012 as part of a 2012 CHALLENGE.
I managed to last a full month before giving in to my physical urges. (You can view my previous blogs and full background from 2012).
However, I am at a point in my life where I have really noticed a decline in my attitude, memory and skin, which is a worry. My memory is the worst. I have an exam in June, and the state of my brain is scary. It's worse than the majority of 60 year olds I know.
I am also in a battle against a yeast overgrowth. The side-effects from the medication with this includes depression, mood swings, rashes and flu-like symptoms. I can only eat meat, eggs and certain veg, so rewarding myself with sweets everytime I achieve a small goal is now out of the question. I am also restricted from doing exercise regularly, as this diet I've been put on causes big weight loss and exercise can put extra strain on the nervous system. I used to run 6 times a week. Now it's 3 at most and at a reduced time.
Ideally, I'd like to get to May and finally have conquered this addiction, but I shall see.
I feel different in my head compared to last year. I'm already battling one addiction, so I'm thinking 'what the heck, I might as well get on with it.'. My body is flushing toxins out all over the place except the part of my brain associated with PMO.
Even when I masturbate, I get bored of the fantasies and the porn videos. There's no excitement to masturbate, only the urge because my body has become used to it. It's pretty sad to think I'm getting a kick from pixels on a screen. My past endeavours with prostitutes did not help (2011), and I've fought off the urge to go back during 2012, as I need to remind myself that they are women who do always, if at all, enjoy what they do, and that I am using them for my own gratification. They are human beings after all, who deserve as much love and affection as I desire in return. My only sexual encounters have been with prostitutes, and I am still ashamed as I was last year, if not more. I let this spiral out of control, and now I must change it, before it's all too late. I've deliberately posted this tonight as I'm starting tomorrow.
I'm always known as the quiet one, the one who does no wrong, that annoying kid who always sticks by the rules, yet I'm carrying this dirty secret that I will one day share with my family and friends, because they need to know that underneath that sweet exterior, there was a bag of rotten meat. I still feel like a virgin, like a young man with a bunch of memories from a stranger.
I'm done with this. Absolutely fed up and I know I need my reward circuitry rewiring. I've noticed such a big drop in my concentration levels. It's all brain fog and oily skin. Time to nip this one in the bud I think.
Maybe you'll remember me Marina once you look back at my previous blog.
Wish me luck!