For years my wife hated to talk about sex. In the last three weeks she has initiated two different conversations on the subject. These were not deep heart to heart talks or anything, but each one served to establish another level of understanding on the subject. Each one was sparked by an article that she read in the newspaper or online.
First she read an article about birth control and mentioned to me that 19% of married couples reported abstinence as their primary form of birth control. Her intention was to make me feel better that it is not only us who have sex infrequently, however, it opened the door for us to talk about habituation and the idea that the thrill of conventional sex wears off after a while. I told her about the concepts in CPA and we came to an understanding that sex does not have to be an all-or-nothing affair, orgasm fueled affair. Since that conservation she has become much more relaxed about intimate cuddling.
The second conversation was about an article she read on the affects of porn on young men. The author of the article was arguing that porn is harmful because it is damaging the ability of young men to enjoy sex. He was coming from the view that it creates enormous performance anxiety in these men who feel that they need to make women gyrate and scream like the women in the films (who are just acting). When a real sex partner just relaxes and smiles without squirming around and moaning all the time the man feels that he is doing something wrong.
This opened the door for us to talk about how we want sex to be in our relationship. It was like one of those negotiations where both parties want the same thing, so they just go through the points rapid fire.
I said that sex does not have to be driven by passion. I woul prefer it to be slow and relaxed. She said that was good because most nights she dose not have much in the way of passion. She is just too tired for passion.
I said that I like to block off at least one hour for sex and she nodded vigourosuly. She hates quickies. It takes her a long time to warm up and it would frustrate her greatly if I was an impatient lover.
Lastly, I told her that I have not been pressuring for sex lately, but it is not because I have lost interest. I am just waiting for her to be in space where she wants to do it. I told her that I knew full well that if I laid on a guilt trip I could probably get her into bed, but I don't want to do that. Such a thing would prove nothing other than the fact that she can be guilted. She agreed that guilt would porbably work and was grateful that I do not use it.
After that the kids came into the room so we had to end the conversation.
So ... we are still well short of agreeing to have slow sex on a regular basis. In fact, she has not agreed to do anything at all yet. However, I could tell from the tone of the conversation that the negativity has come out of the whole thing now. She is no longer resisting. She is just feeling out how to move forward. She is voicing her concerns and is encouraged by the responses that she is getting. It pleases me greatly that she is doing all of this without any overt pressure from me. She is obviously thinking about it, and if the initiatives come from within her then the whole process will go smoother.