Being a sexual pleaser

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Submitted by Louie on
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I think that my biggest obstacle in karezza will be learning how to stop without giving my wife an orgasm

To put in bluntly, I am a sexual pleaser. When I make love with my wife I focus on giving her a wonderful experience. It becomes all about her having the big O so that I can feel that I was a good lover. Two years ago I self-diagnosed myself with the Nice Guy syndrome. Being a manically selfless lover is one of the most common traps for nice guys. It may be a challenge to overcome this.

In all honesty, I do not think it will be a problem to stop before I orgasm. The bigger problem will be to stop without giving her an orgasm. Some part of me will be unhappy that she did not get the full "experience". I guess I will just have to trust that she will still enjoy it without the O. Having read the book, I now know that orgasms have a cost. Now I just need to convince myself that the cost is not worth the thrill of being a skilled lover who consistently takes his woman over the edge.

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Well,

first, maybe she's not much affected by climax. I'm sure there's a spectrum. It takes time and extended periods of no climax (after a climax) to figure out how sensitive one is to orgasm's effects on mood and perception.

Second, there are the "accidental orgasms," so chances are that you'll not be stopping on a dime. Wink Consider the UM Rev's experience....

The key concept is not to push her over that edge. If she's going over, let her go over without an intense build up of dopamine. The hangover tends to be milder, and the overall experience better for all concerned, even if there's less screaming and thrashing about.Man in love

it's very different

I focus on myself and not on my partner's arousal, at least not to the extent I used to. It is truly very different and it is still a process that I'm getting more comfortable with. It is really a key point. After all, it's all about "I". We don't "give" someone an orgasm. The world is experienced inside of my own head, and the neat thing about Karezza is that I learn that and as I do, I become a better more selfless person. Don't ask me how it works that way, but it does.

 

'Mr. Nice Guy can equal "Mr Pushy"

There's a difference between a selfless, skilled lover and a manipulative one who controls through pushing a woman to orgasm. Look, I can MO and have some pretty fierece ones, but connecting with another person in a loving, nurturing fashion is why I want a lover. When someone (like Weird Friend) gets into that "multiple orgasm" mindset, I don't like it. I know how much I want and i know when I want to stop and someone who keeps pushing me in order to feel better about himself is not acting selflessly. But you seem to have recognized that about yourself. If your wife climaxes, nice. And if it doesn't lead to that dopamine spike and hangover, even better. But remind yourself that just being there with her, knowing her intimately and loving her unconditionally is more important than how many orgasms she had that night.

Thanks

I have decided that her orgasms are her business. I will just go about making love with her and if she has an orgasm that is OK. If she says that she wants one, that is OK too. I will do that for her. I am not going to try and dictate what she is allowed, or not allowed to do with her 50% of the sexual encounter.

For my part, I will do my best to abstain from ejaculation and just enjoy relaxed sexuality. I am sure there will be slip ups, especially when she is climaxing, but eventually I will get it sorted.

I want this to be as low pressure as possible for both of us. I am not at all interested in making this an issue of discipline. I want max relax. I want it to be natural and spontaneous for both of us.

Just be careful

Louie, just be mindful to check out that you arent projecting your own fear of rejection onto her. We sometimes see all too well ourselves in the mirror of our partner.

Be very clear that 'your easy does it' plan isnt in part your fear talking. Read and reread Daryl's pep talk to guys.

I only say this because i see much of you in me :)

In our case i wanted daily bonding, her exposure to the ideas in CPA, and ultimately a schedule. I had to fight for all of it, including literally reading out loud the entire book to her one page at a time. I just held the tiller firm, stuck to the course and eventually she came along.

Smiling

I am smiling as I read this because I know it is true.

How much of my resistance to push her is me being considerate, and how much is me trying to avoid the kind of ugly confrontations that we used to have? It is a good question and it is always near the front of my mind.