Honesty and Integrity

Louie's picture
Submitted by Louie on
Printer-friendly version

I have noticed a few things about myself since I decided to give up M. I am much more comfortable being completely honest with people, and I am able to brush off the dramas that erupt in my life much more easily.

My wife has always been somewhat emotionally reactive. That is to say that she gets upset easily, and when she is upset she needs to vent.

In the past I was not very skilled at handling her emotional energy. I would tend to either flee from it, or just sit quietly and feel miserable. In either case, she would end up feeling bad as well. Early in our marriage she told me that I needed to fight back more. It makes her feel like a bitch when she vents at me and I wither up like a flower in the hot sumer sun. Eventually she started biting her tounge, but that was no better. She had this emotional energy raging and no appropriate way to vent it.

Lately that pattern has changed. I no longer fear being chewed out by her. I understand that she needs to vent her frustration. I just let her go ahead and vent. I do not try to flee. I do not fight. If she accused me of something that I did not do, I wil calmly tell her that. However, most of the time I legitimatly screwed up, so I just let her say what she needs to say. If an apology is called for I will give it. I note the things that I could do better next time. Then I just let it all go.

After that, all of the negative energy just evaporates. She was able to express what she needed to express. I took my lumps without flinching. Everything that needed to be dealt with was dealt with. There is no lingering resentment or anger that will smolder beneath the surface. We are both good now. Water off a duck's back.

Because this pattern has chnaged, I no longer feel like I need to hide the things that I have done wrong. I openly admit that I made a mistake, weather the storm that may follow, and then carry on.

It is all rather refreshing.



I am fully convinced

that if we had a lot more natural touch in the world, we wouldn't have a lot of the issues we do have.

There is nothing better than snuggling a lot to get you calm, relaxed, rational, thoughtful, happy, and more even-keeled. Nothing better. Of course, Karezza really satisfies on the deepest levels.

I am lately finding that my need to connect with my wife is incredibly high. Just to hang out there inside her. It is just so amazing to plug in and feel the energy and whatever it is. It isn't lust at all, and it isn't animal hunger. But I feel a strong physical desire to be inside her and hang out.

We are going through a few difficult times and it is NOTHING compared to the old days. Nothing. Emotionally things are even keeled and wonderful, not the way they used to be at ALL. So much nicer it is not to be believed, even in tough times.

And I just want to add: the tough times are external, having nothing whatever to do with our relationship.

Or perhaps it's not the

Or perhaps it's not the pattern that changed. Maybe because you are coming into love with yourself, you realize that just because you make a mistake doesn't mean you're bad or that you need to run and hide in shame. Now that you love yourself - you can also accept yourself - the perfectly imperfect you. :) So happy for you.

Right On

It is true that a big part of the change is my own self love and respect. When my wife gets upset, it does not deflate me like it used to. I understand that her getting upset is about her, not me. I may have done something that triggered her, but it was her who decided to get upset. I did not "make" her upset. I just provided a trigger. In response to that trigger, she made herself upset.

If I choose to get upset back at her, then I have added more energy to the whole thing and it grows.

If I choose to stay calm then she is able to vent what she wants to vent, and then the whole thing dissipates.


It's a wonderful realization. I think when both parties in a marriage figure this out, there is less chance of defensiveness and all the nasty stuff that can go along with that. There's tons more room for genuine honesty and it's then easier to remember we came together to help each other break down all the composted psychic garbage to grow beautiful flowers together. Again, so happy for you guys. ♥